Day 69- Do You Have ANXIETY?

Did that title make you anxious?

Today I had a silly experience with anxiety. I was trimming my nails and something I do quite often is trim them too short. Well, I was about to clip a toenail and a thought came up, "You should be careful not to trim that too short." Another: "You should use the smaller fingernail clipper so you don't cut it too short." I stopped the thoughts, and continued to trim the nail, making sure I didn't cut it too short. But, afterwards, I had lingering anxiety about the situation- "what if I had cut the toenail too short?". There was no pain, but even if I had cut it too short, there was nothing I could do about it at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I am anxious

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being anxious.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be not anxious

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that I am anxious about something that ‘could have happened’- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the thing didn’t happen, and even if it did, there is nothing I can do about it at this time

When and as I see myself become anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that being anxious is an emotional reaction about something that either didn’t happen, happened but I cannot do anything about it, or happened and I am suppressing the solution of the problem within me and therefore must take ACTION to fix. I am not anxiety. I can act to create solutions.

When and as I see myself reacting within anger at my being anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that reacting to my anxiousness is an indication I am in my mind.

When and as I see myself fear my anxiousness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that anxiousness is not real; it is of and in my mind, and I can stop it within a breath. 

When and as I see myself desire to not be anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that stopping anxiousness requires breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself within a moment. 

I commit myself to stop anxiety through breathing.

I commit myself to realize that anxiety is not a solution, but to investigate whether the problem actually exists (lol), and if it does, if there is anything I can practically do about it. Otherwise, I commit myself to STOP anxiety in a single moment of breath.

I commit myself to not become angry when I am experiencing anxiousness, but to stop, breathe, and ground myself in my physical reality, to stop the mind and remain here in awareness.

I commit myself to not fear anxiety.

I commit myself to not desire to not be anxious

I commit myself to investigate and stop all forms of anxiety in this world.

Thanks for reading

DIP Lite- Free self-help course w/Buddy (ONLINE)
EQAFE- Your existential library w/Every Question answered for EVERYONE

Day 68- Why is Nobody Helping Me?

A thought came up the other day that ‘I am not getting the feedback I need/deserve from other Destonians’. I have been participating on the forum for 9 years. When I first started, it was a lot more active than it is these days, where it is mostly just a few of us posting our Journey to Life blogs. I’ve thought ‘this is supposed to be a platform of support, why is nobody giving me feedback on my writings?” 

Within this is a stance of passivity, where I expect another to do something for me. Yes, there is a general expectation that the platform is there for people to interact and give feedback/support to others, but nobody is being paid to participate there and in no way is there an obligation for this feedback to occur. Thus, my entitlement to receiving feedback is misplaced. 

And, when I really look at it, I haven’t given much feedback to others on the forum. 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not getting the feedback I deserve on the Desteni forum.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I deserve feedback on the Desteni forum when and how I want it- instead of considering that forum members are real people with their own lives who may have any number of reasons for not wanting/being able to provide feedback to me



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I am entitled to feedback on the Desteni forum implies that I desire to receive feedback without explicitly asking for feedback, engendering an attitude of passivity where I expect to receive something for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask for feedback on the Desteni forum, instead of wondering and hoping and wishing to receive feedback on my posts, hiding behind the expectation that, because I read somewhere once that it is ‘supposed’ to be a platform of support, I should receive this support automatically without specifically asking for it if I have not received the support I want/need



When and as I see myself think ‘I am not getting the support I require on the Desteni forum’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am not entitled to receive anything in this life. If someone wants to give feedback, cool.



When and as I see myself believe I am entitled to receive feedback on the Desteni forum, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am capABLE of asking for feedback if I need it.

When and as I see myself go into fear in relation to asking for feedback on a certain topic/issue I am struggling with, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that communication is important in getting the specific help I need, otherwise, how can anyone know what I require?



I commit myself to ask for feedback if I need it



Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 67- Redefining and Living Apathy (A-Path-I-See)

The process I used to explore this word can be found here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18230

Self-Allocation

For me, I can remember developing a certain sense of apathy in my childhood in relation to my younger brother. He would go to extreme ends in attempting to gain my attention and eventually I learned to ‘block him out,’ so to speak. This sense of carelessness became a bit of an energetic fix of more-thanness whenever he would be acting sporadically and I would sit there, calm, grounded, having already decided I was going to ignore him. The more he thrashed, the better I felt, as I knew my lack of reaction was only winding him up more. Another memory I have related to the word apathy is when I received a compliment in high school from a popular girl who implied I just didn’t seem to care about things. I agreed with her assessment and felt a positive energy when she said I didn’t care. Thus, I have come over time to charge this word, apathy, with positive energy. 



Dictionary Definition


1. lack of feeling or emotion : IMPASSIVENESS
    // drug abuse leading to apathy and depression
2. lack of interest or concern: INDIFFERENCE
    // political apathy

Sounding of the Word

A-path-I-see



Investigating the word

I have developed a positive polarity in association with the word apathy as I learned to express indifference to my little brother and my mother’s erratic behavior growing up. This continued into my school days as I often got in trouble for showing indifference to my teacher’s and my mother’s expectations of me. Once I started using drugs, I enjoyed the apathetic feeling I experienced while under their influence, as if the world and it’s problems didn’t matter. Eventually, I came to lack total interest or concern with anything except for drugs, as I saw the world as a hopeless place and had little interest in politics. This apathetic feeling I kept reaching for made me feel separate from the world around me, in a way that made me feel superior. Instead of learning to work with the system, I just rejected it, justifying my apathy with self-righteousness.

It’s interesting that the dictionary definition gave an example of drug abuse leading to apathy and depression, as that’s exactly what happened to me. I chased that feeling of apathy as separation and more-thanness in relation to the world around me, a feeling that drugs helped me to achieve. However, the combination of the drug abuse and re-charging the emotional experience of apathy over and over again led to depression, which to me is basically the experience of inescapable apathy. While getting high and feeling separate from the world and my own problems was originally a choice I made, once I became depressed, I was basically at the throes of my own negative emotions. Apathy came to me without choice, even when I wanted to do things that I enjoyed. Thus, by positively valuing apathy, I eventually created like this giant inescapable experience of apathy towards everyone and everything in this world. And I really got very deep into it! I ended up homeless, completely cut off from everyone in my past life, even my parents, just experiencing pain and indifference over and over again without even understanding how I had created this experience for myself nor how deeply embedded within it I truly was. 

Within the word ‘apathy’, I see the sounds ‘A path i see’. Even still, to this day, I tend to react to my problems or difficult experiences within apathy, where I even have caught myself at times saying ‘I just don’t care’ when faced with an uncomfortable experience. What I have really thought / decided within myself even previous to this statement, however, is “I can’t do this.” Within the sounds I see in the word, what if, instead of thinking ‘I can’t do this’, and then justifying/trying to soothe myself within the maelstrom of negative emotions/the actual, real problem still existing in my world within the statement as energetic experience of “I don’t care”, I stopped, took a breath, slowed my world/reality down for a moment, and said “A path I see”. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I can’t do this” when confronted with a difficult situation/problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then justify my reaction of “I can’t do this” with/within the energetic experience of “I don’t care about this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into the experience of blame for experiencing the difficult situation in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the positive experience of apathy is the other side of the coin of the negative experience of blame/jealousy that other’s are not apparently forced to experience the same plight to which I have been subject, and that these two energetic experiences compliment/balance out each other to create and maintain the entire energetic personality activation when a difficult situation causes me to have the thought “I can’t do this”. Further, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that this personality experience as the oscillation between positive feeling and negative emotional energy is designed to keep me trapped in energy / distract me from the actual issue at hand that I am not moving myself to effectively find solutions for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the entire energetic personality system is already activated as soon as I have the thought “I can’t do this” and by the time I notice that I am in positive feelings of apathy/negative feelings of blame/self-pity/comparison/blame = it is already too late. 

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the positive feeling of apathy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that apathy is the outflow of giving up, where I instead seek positive energetic fixes through distracting myself from the triggering issue/event that “I don’t care about”.  I am not apathy, I am not an energy that keeps me distracted and limited in my reaction to a problem in my reality.

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the negative emotion of blame, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that blame is used to justify my apathy so that I can keep going back and forth between positive and negative energetic experiences in my mind, not seeking solutions and acting in reality to create solutions. I am not blame. I created the problems that caused this Particular Mind Construct to activate, I am response-ABLE to fix them.  

When and as I see myself react to a problem within the thought “I can’t do this,” I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a thought indicate I am in my Mind, experiencing energy resourced from the physical, essentially Self-Abuse. I am not the Mind. I can create and implement solutions to a problem as it is presented to me. I am not Self-Abuse.



I commit myself to create and implement solutions that are Best for All.

Day 66- Self-Forgiveness on Placing my Power in Another

Many moons ago, I fell in ‘love’ with a person who I believed granted me access to things I simply would not be able to discover without this person in my presence. It is true that I discovered possibilities I hadn’t thought of before I met this person. However, I came to put A on a pedestal because I had the belief that I wouldn’t be able to continue to access these unknown, apparently ‘extraordinary’ things without being around them.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can only access ‘extraordinary’ things when in the presence of A

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A is more-than others because I discovered these things about myself in their presence and therefore they must be imbued with ‘special’ powers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A has ‘special’ powers- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that these things I accessed within myself are simply ‘Words’- words, which can be accessed and lived by anyone who has the vocabulary to access them

I forgive myself therefore for placing my power to access words outside of myself, in A, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have the power to access and live words within myself, if only I applied the process of redefining words into a form I can stand with/as into infinity and committing myself to live them

When and as I see myself place my power to live words outside of myself in an ‘other’ ‘out-there’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the power to live words lies within me, I am the arbiter of my destiny within redefining the words that constitute my participation in this reality and choosing to bring to life new words.

I commit myself to redefine and live words that are best for all

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 65- Blaming Desteni Process for my 'Life'

I’ve had within my the belief ‘Everything in my life has gone to shit since Desteni Process started’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame Desteni Process for my life apparently going to shit

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that blaming Desteni Process for my life going to shit implies I do not take responsibility for my life going to shit

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my life going to shit

When and as I see myself not take responsibility for my life going to shit, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that no one else can take responsibility for my life having gone to shit. 

I commit myself to create stability in and as me as who I am as Life

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 64- In a Relationship with a Narcissist? Don't Be Like I Was

You know how they say you should go no contact if you realize you have a narcissist in your life? Well, I am a shining example of a reason why. Instead of reaching out to friends or other family members when I was in need, I went crawling back to the narcissist. It was a ‘comfortable’ relationship, which basically meant it was one of those relationships that society ‘tells’ you is sacrosanct. For me, that meant I didn’t have to deal with my issues as long as I could keep going back to this relationship. What I didn’t realize was that merely participating in this relationship WAS one of my issues. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a relationship with a narcissist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that participating in a relationship with a narcissist implies I lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that lacking self-respect implies I have never created self-respect within and as who I am as a living word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone else should give me self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that believing someone else should give me self-respect implies that I am not the director of myself

When and as I see myself wanting to participate in a relationship with this narcissist, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there will be no closure when participating in a relationship with a narcissist and therefore there is no way this relationship can be best for all or best for me in any way.

When and as I see myself not direct myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that lacking self-direction implies I am waiting for someone or something to direct me, such as a substance to which I am addicted or an authority figure or fear or needing money and so I deny myself the gift of creating myself whenever I give my authority over to someone or something outside of me to direct me, but that there can be no closure within that relationship because I am not a narcissist and therefore I must take responsibility for who I am in every moment.

I commit myself to take responsibility for who I am in every moment

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 63- Fearing Living Words

How did I get to the point where I am afraid of myself? Why are you afraid of yourself? Ego. I am enthralled with the idea of bringing something unknown into this world but I would rather experience the energy of being that person than actually express myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to experiencing myself as important- instead of being inspired by ‘being important’ to actually act to bring something unknown into this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being addicted to the energy of being important mirrors my own addictions to substances in and of this world, which I use as a ‘backdoor’ to keep me cycling in cycles of being of this world as I engage in/with substances, and holding me back from being ‘in’ this world but not ‘of’ this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear missing an opportunity to express myself in such a way as to bring something unknown into this world, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown because I fear making a mistake and because I fear death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a mistake

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing making a mistake implies I haven’t acted on the goal I haven’t even set for myself which is to bring something unknown into this world



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not differentiate between mind constructs, nothingness, and living words wherein I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define mind constructs as negative and nothingness as positive and not allowed myself to live words because I have defined living words as ‘something’ and thus gave myself no space/time to explore living words because I was caught in the duality of “either you are in the Mind” or: “you are creating Nothingness”. 


Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 62- Fearing Sleeping

Today there was a moment where I could see that what I was on my way to do wasn't what was best for me, but I continued on to do the thing I had set out to do anyway. I can see that the original thought to do the thing was tied to a habitual behavioral pattern that is not best for all, but I interpreted the self-honesty to stop/change what I was doing as "intrusive".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the budding expression of self-honesty as intrusive because it apparently contradicted my previous thought that I wanted to do the thing I was on my way doing.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not realize that experiencing the self-honesty impulse to STOP is actually my self-expression trying to "poke through" whereas the original thought to do the thing was a) aligned with a habit that is b) not best for all and my suppression of STOPPING in that moment was actually me as the mind wanting to "cling" to my unconscious behavioral pattern of taking caffeine at night when it will affect my sleep and through off my rhythm making it difficult to participate normally during the day.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this thought is an extension of my mind and not what is best for all/self in a moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that the thought "it's too early to sleep, I should go get a diet Coke" is not as innocent as it seems- as it happened in the evening and has had repercussions lasting into the early morning in terms of me not being able to sleep. The seemingly INNOCENT enjoyment of a coke that late in my day/evening has consequences lasting for the 12 hour half-life of caffeine. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very thought of not wanting to sleep is = avoiding a negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleeping too early in the night as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that defining sleeping too early in the night as negative implies that I fear waking up too early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up 'too early'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing waking up 'too early' implies that I believe I will have nothing to do if I wake up early in the morning when nothing is apparently going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have nothing to do early in the morning- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding there are plenty of activities I can do early in the morning.

When and as I see myself go into the experience of tiredness and then react to that within 'it is too early/late to sleep', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I must check in with myself during such times and listen to my body- if it needs sleep and I can afford to get some rest, then I can let my body rest.

When and as I see myself react to sleepiness within 'I should get some caffeine, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are certain situations where taking caffeine will/could/might affect my ability to sleep during 'normal sleeping hours' lol, and so I can/should take that into consideration when considering taking caffeine to fend of tiredness.

When and as I see myself fearing sleeping in case I should 'wake up too early', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that 'waking up too early' is/has been defined by me through my mind and, as long as I am getting the proper amount of sleep, there is always something I can do/be doing, regardless of the 'time' I might have to do it.

I commit myself to let my body sleep when/if it needs to sleep

I commit myself to consider the time of day when considering taking caffeine; if it's too late and I don't want to be up late, I commit myself to not partake of caffeine

I commit myself to realign my relationship with activities/tasks to being effective/productive and not define my willingness/appropriateness of doing the task by the time of day.


Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 61- Coming to Terms with Narcissistic Abuse

Coming to terms with the fact that my life is ruined because of my choice to interact with a narcissist and buy into her insinuations that she is there to help me. It is easy to blame this person for wasting my life, but I participated with/as her in the ways I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moments of change during times of conflict because I fear the unknown and because I am not secure in who I am within the world system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing the unknown implies I cling to the known

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing the unknown to justify avoiding change in moments of conflict, instead of seizing moments of conflict as opportunities to change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that not being secure in who I am within the world system implies that I haven’t created my change into placing myself as who I am within and as the world system, taking into consideration the principle of being in the world, but not of the world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system- instead of creating financial stability for myself step by step

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 60- The Perfect Job- Does it Exist?

I don’t know what type of job I want. I can see that it is perhaps more important so simply place myself in the system, because the likelihood of landing a job that fits into my fantasy of being perfectly melded with my process and goals seems unlikely. Even landing the type of job I want seems unlikely— what’s more important is to place myself in the system in a financially stable position, knowing I will be able to apply myself within my process in whichever position I find myself actually being hired for. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate thoughts and feelings about landing the perfect job, only to become upset when the littlest thing derails my path

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can navigate the entire system perfectly, without making one single tiny misstep, in such a way as perfectly matches the vision I created within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s more a matter of practically placing myself in the system with the goal of achieving financial independence, a process which guarantees nothing and is rather dependent upon the actions of external characters who determine whether I am hired or fired, regardless of the energy I have applied towards my idea of the position, and the polarities I have assigned the words that describe the position

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not humble myself before the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am more important than the entire system that supports human beings on earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that thinking I am more important than the entire system that supports human beings on earth implies that I believe the system values me as an individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my belief that the system values me as an individual, think and believe that it then thus owes me a position to my liking such as I am capable of envisioning ahead of time, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must physically walk myself into places of employment and ask for a job without the security and stability that I imagine within my mind of it matching my wants, needs, and desires perfectly to a t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus want to control the employment situation ahead of time by generating a certain energy frequency based on my imaginings of ‘the perfect job’ and allowing and accepting myself to become upset when the world out-there doesn’t match up with that generated energy frequency I have created, leading me to think thoughts about wanting to give up even looking for a job and spending days and days cycling in this cycle of generating imaginings and fantasies related to a ‘job’, going about my errands and experiencing a lack of support for that particular energetic frequency, and then giving up searching for a job entirely

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am generating positive energy in my mind around an image of a perfect job I would like to have, concurrently there exists negative energy related to ‘what I don’t want from a job’ that I am trying to avoid and so,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to avoid certain scenarios as jobs/hiring processes/situations instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that, similar to the positive energy-experiences I ‘crave’, such scenarios/instances/hypothetical situations = don’t exist

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the giving up/not wanting to look for a job component is based on imagery/energies and so similarly not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such negative energetic experiences as imagined scenarios cannot and will not exist and therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the generated negative emotional charges related to those thoughts/ideas/fantasies as justification to not look for a job/just give up looking while the clock keeps on ticking for me to establish financial stability within/as the system


Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 59- What Scrolling Social Media Says About the Nature of the Mind

You're sitting there on Instagram, scrolling through your feed. You know you shouldn't be doing it, but at this point you've been in lockdown for what seems like years and, really, what else is there to do?!?

You know what I'm talking about when you experience what seems like a continuous stream of highs and lows, seemingly unrelated to the content you're viewing. Why does it seem like sometimes when you are viewing things you actually like, you still go into a "down?" Why do you sometimes get a rush when you are looking at disturbing content, and then feel guilty about it later? Why can't you seem to just look at your content without the endless rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows?

The thing about the mind is that it is actually preprogrammed. When you are sitting looking at your feed, you are suppressing whatever normal emotions and feelings you'd experience throughout your day, searching for just a moment of calm in this crazy world. But have you noticed you can't just turn your mind off?

The programs of the mind continue operating in the background as you lounge on the couch with your phone. You open your feed and the image of a kitten resonates with a positive memory of kittens, and your mind's program is activated.

You keep scrolling.

While you have meticulously curated your feed at this point to present an unbroken stream of almost entirely positive, apparently uplifting images, including glamour shots of your friends doing cool stuff, you know it's coming: the inevitable valley after the peak of euphoria.

Why is it so hard to predict what will trigger this sudden relapse into negative feelings? Clearly, a well-taken picture of your stoked friend doing something envious should elicit positive feelings. Although, sometimes it's just the odd dark or realistic image that has snuck into your scrolling which triggers it, and that make's more sense. But it doesn't seem to really matter which image it is, the oscillation between high and low seems inevitable.

So, what's going on here?

As mentioned earlier, the nature and structure of your mind is preprogrammed and those programs are based in polarity. In order to continuously generate energy (the mind, like a computer, requires energy to keep operating it's programs), the mind needs to swing back and forth between positive and negative. This program operates regardless of what is going on in your environment

What's more, it can utilize positive or negative images/experiences to trigger the next stage of the program- it doesn't matter if you are already in a positive or negative experience.

For more information on how the mind operates and how to break out of the cycle of constantly cycling between positive and negative, positive and negative, investigate Desteni.

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
DIP PRO
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 58- Hurry Up!

So a trigger point is when someone isn’t moving quickly enough for me. This stresses me out.

 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, because of believing I am better than that person and because I am afraid of becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by the person.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am better than the other person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that believing I am better than the other person implies I am in the mind, not here in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use believing I am better than the other person in my mind to justify becoming stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, instead of slowing down to be here, in physical reality, by breathing and coming back into my physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person implies that I have been living out this fear reaction for a long time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished by another person if I allow them to affect me -instead of directing myself within common sense in every moment of breath

Day 57- Part 4- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as separate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as more than


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must take full responsibility for who I am in every moment of breath, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand in equality with my world and my environment in every moment of breath, but to instead go into the mind in separation where I can define myself as special, different, more than, or less than another, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that the very person I am defining myself in relation to is: a part of me in oneness and equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the equality part of the oneness and equality reality, where I accept the oneness of existence and reality without considering the equality that must be cherished within each being existent in our shared reality, where it is the absolute manifestation of spite and hatred to consider myself as more valuable than another being, simply because I have defined myself as such within my mind, being, and body, not considering that: we have all been gifted life equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than within a self-definition of mental illness, where I secretly, within myself wanted to be more than others, but when I couldn't get my way, I descended into the depths of the darkness available within me, programming myself in despair, self-pity, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-abuse, manifesting myself as the very realization of less-than so I could hold another in spite

Investigative links:
Desteni.org
DIP Lite- FREE online course w/Buddy
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every Question Answered

Day 57- Part 3- Self-Interest/Self-Abuse

Today there were two moments where I saw something which I could have acted upon which was best for all. Unfortunately, I didn’t ‘trust’ the self-trust within me (remember, everything is in reverse), and continued doing the thing I knew wasn’t best for all. The thing about these moments is that it wasn’t pure self-interest which I was following, but actually a self-interested self-abusive point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by drinking the frappucino.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which inside me told me to not drink the frappucino, even though I knew it was best for all within the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I received a second chance in the form of leaving the frappucino in my truck, to instead grab the frappucino out of my truck and proceed to drink it, embodying Spite in all it’s eviL glory in that moment

Desteni.org

Day 57- Part 2- Two Dimensions of Spite

Self-Allocation Point

Spite is a pretty extensive point for me within my life. What came up immediately was my relationship with my mother, which, when communication was replaced by manipulation, transferred into a dynamic of: spite. She didn't trust me, so she would act towards me in ways that didn't consider what was best for me. In return, I responded to her unreasonable requests and expectations (power over me) spitefully. I was trying to hold onto whatever sense of independence I could, especially when I knew that what she was telling me to do / making me do wasn't what was best for me. So, I learned to manipulate her to get her to believe a certain image of me, so that I could then act in the way I wanted to.

Dictionary Definition 

noun 

1. : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart

2. : an instance of spite

in spite of

: in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by succeeded in spite of their opposition

verb

1. a: annoy, offend

    b: to fill with spite

2. to treat maliciously (as by shaming or thwarting)

  

 

Sounding of the Word

spit- To spew toxins outwardly

Creative Writing

I see spite as a very extreme manifestation in this world. When I was exploring my self-allocation point of the word, I initially saw it as a manifested behavior pattern that was more neutral in terms of the external affect it had on my world. More "in spite of". But, I see within the dictionary definition that there is also the definition of "to be spiteful towards." Which is a darker dimension as it implies wanting to treat someone maliciously, which is going beyond simply doing something despite their preference, simply because you want to do it, and venturing into the territory of deliberate abuse.

So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.

The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.

However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.

Due to a wrist injury, I will continue this redefinition process in a later blog.

Day 57- Growing Out of Competitive Video Games

I experience myself as quite sensitive to my external environment. I pick up on the energy of whoever is around me, and sometimes the person can be miles away and I still 'pick up' on their energy. For example, when I play a game on my phone, I 'pick up' on the energy of the other person playing, and it is no longer about me the game, but about who the other person is within their playing.

Obviously, bringing this back to self, it is an indication I am not grounded in my physical body. I should not be able to be influenced by another person in such a way as to become emotionally upset or feel like I am not in control of the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset when playing a mobile game and I perceive myself as 'unable to just play', but am instead apparently forced to reckon with who this person is within their life, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that such a reaction indicates that I was not grounded before playing the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ground myself within my physical body before engaging with another on mobile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset when I perceive myself as no longer able to just play my precious game

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that becoming upset while playing the game indicates that I was already lost within the mind before I even started playing the game, creating an unstable situation, where the equality equation might require that I a) stop playing the game or b) deprioritize 'just playing the game' for a moment to deal with this person within who they are in their environment on a beingness level, but I am within that moment only considering/thinking/emoting in relation to myself and thus become upset when my little bubble of self is broken and *gasp* someone else's life might interrelate with mine.

I have noticed that I only become upset in this way when playing competitive multiplayer games. When I am playing a single-player puzzle game, for example, I do not experience the same "I am being intruded upon" emotional reaction. Something about the competitive nature of the multiplayer games I've played just doesn't jive with walking my process, even in those instances where I've grounded myself before playing. Because it's always about the beings playing and where they are within who they are that is the most important thing to consider in trying to build a world that is best for all. And so I'm drawn to put aside utilizing whichever method or psychological trick I have at my disposal to win the game at any cost, and then the game is no longer really relaxing or fun for me.

Investigate Desteni and especially the DIP Lite FREE online course w/Buddy where you learn to walk the mind in detail in the first step in taking responsibility for who and what you are in this world. From there, we can expand to implementing an Equal Money System that considers the inherent value in all life.

Desteni.org

Day 56- Self-sabotage

Why do I sabotage myself. How do I sabotage myself. When I don’t slow down, and I rush to do things, I am sabotaging myself. Why and how do I rush to do things? Caffeine. Improper nutrition. Stress caused by caffeine and improper nutrition. I need to focus on taking care of the little things in my life. This will help me establish discipline. This will strengthen my self-responsibility. I was not taught self-responsibility. I was taught obedience. I was taught to follow directions.

Self-supportive EQAFE products dealing with self-sabotage:

Deliberately Sabotaging my Own Change - Part 152

Self Sabotage: Nature & Design - Atlanteans - Par… 

Fear of Change: Understanding & Support - Fears &…

Giving Up: Self Sabotaged Beginnings - Atlanteans…

Desteni.org

 

Day 55- Internal Strength

I remember when I was younger overhearing the mother of a friend talk about how enrolling her son in wrestling was one of the best decisions she made for him because it taught him about inner strength and I had an extensive reaction. This happened in my parents’ home during a party they threw for friends and family every year and I was sure that she was conveying this story specifically because I was within earshot and would thus hear what she was saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe C was comparing her son to me and implying that her son had inner strength while I lack inner strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience internal words about how I was smarter than her son

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what C thinks about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as lacking internal strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for my belief that I lack internal strength

When and as I see myself go into the belief that I lack internal strength, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this belief is actually making me less strong internally.

I commit myself to make practical steps to strengthen myself internally, both on a physical and a beingness level, for me, and not so that I can go and prove to C or anyone else that: see, I am, in fact, internally strong, because developing and nurturing and strengthening my internal strength is best for me

Desteni.org

Day 54- Part 2- I abused myself

I abused my human physical body. I had absolutely no respect for who I really was. Just the manifestation of self-abuse, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-disrespect. Why?

I sought validation. Validation for who I was a human being.

And, when I received none, I started to doubt my value within existence. I didn’t think I had any value within who I was within existence. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that needing validation implies that I do not value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not need myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that not needing myself implies that I don’t take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself

Day 54- Self-abuse through substance addiction

Having a look at my patterns of substance intake, I see that I have extensively abused my body through ingesting this substance or that. While, at this point, I no longer lean on the hard drugs I used to participate with and within, there are a number of timeloops involving substance use within which I continue to participate.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ingest substances simply for the energetic high I experience while under the influence of drugs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a point of no return where I take the substance into my human physical body and then immediately manifest the experience of regret because ‘now my day will be conditioned upon and by this substance’ and I believe I have limited myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can limit myself with substance intake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the experience of regret within and as myself in relation to substance intake, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I don’t even begin to understand how such substances physically work in my body, but in-take them anyway




Desteni.org
Understand addiction at the Forum
Desteni-Universe
7 Year Journey to Life
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every Question answered for Everyone
Living Income Guaranteed

Day 53- Lack of a Support Network

I was doing some reading on male depression, and it mentioned how it was important for men to have a support network to deal with their depression. Some people to bounce your thoughts off of, to talk about what you are going through, and to perhaps gain additional perspectives or insights one had not previously considered. Taking a look at my life, I realize and understand that I don't have a support network, like, at all. Why would this be so?

What it comes down to is: I have not created a support network in my life. Despite having 'Met' countless people, my intention or direction within meeting these people has always been obfuscated by self-interest (read: limitation) in one form or another.

If it was the people I 'Met' because I wanted a job offer from them, I was only considering my survival. Perhaps I used manipulation to charm them into thinking I was a good candidate for the job. Since I was not Directive within Self-Honesty in my approach to our interaction = the relationship didn't end up being supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach potential employers/managers from the perspective of manipulating them to create an image within their minds of me as employable, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding the importance of Expressing myself Here, in the moment, in Each and Every interaction in Self-Trust and Self-Honesty, regardless of my desire, driven by fear, of acquiring money from a job, wherein I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the outcome of a manipulated relationship is going to be tainted in such a way as to create Consequences which will prevent such a relationship from being Supportive of Me.

Day 52- Physical Trumps Energy

I realized that I was sort of aligning myself with the entire existence and always forcing myself to be at the cutting edge of whatever was happening. Within this, was a sort of competition, where what I really wanted was to feel important, like I was needed, and in so doing exposing a point of lack; I felt like I needed to compensate for other areas in my life which need work: getting a stable job, getting a Life Partner, building effective relationships. I thought and believed that if I could make myself stand out through going interdimensional, that would compensate for the areas in my physical life where I lacked. Of course, this goes back to childhood trauma and not recognizing my value as a physical being, so there are a whole lot of issues there to open up. But my solution to my problems was not sustainable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting a job and sticking to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing getting and sticking to a job implies that I have defined getting and sticking to a job as negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define getting and sticking to a job as negative

When and as I see myself go into a negative emotional reaction towards getting and sticking to a job, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that getting and sticking to a job is essential to support my life on Earth. 

I commit myself to get and stick to a job

Day 51- Part 2- Playing with the Fire of the Law of Attraction

I just watched a video by Maite Zamora Moreno where she talks about the pitfalls of playing with the law of attraction.

As someone who used a lot of psychedelics and was ‘enchanted’ by the law of attraction, it took me a while before I understood how focusing on the positive was extremely consequential. 

Because, have a look, there is a polarity play-out within focusing on the positive. This is the same thing we are seeing amongst the love and lighters of this world. Instead of recognizing, delving into, and thus taking responsibility for one’s dark side, the love and lighters instead focus on the positive only. There are consequences to looking at the darkness of the world, KNOWING the darkness of the self exists, and then choosing to only focus on the nice, joyful, happy, ‘positive’ things of this world, within and without. The more attention is focused on positive energy only, and that’s what it really is, right: energy, the less attention is given to not only the negative realities of the world, but to the negative energy within. 

When you only focus on positive energy, the negative energy inside you doesn’t go away. And if you actually take the time to investigate the nature of the mind, you see that it’s based in polarity. For every desire, there is a fear. For every preference, there is a dislike. For every person you like, there is a person you dislike. Unless you really have given yourself completely to positive energy and then you might delude yourself into believing you only experience love and light towards every being. But, for normal people, the mind operates on polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could focus only on the positive and in so doing raise my energy level in such a way that it would benefit others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lose track of the reality of the functioning of my mind consciousness system as based in polarity, where while I was focusing intensely on positive energy, I was simultaneously suppressing the negative energy, which backfired on me when this energy needed to disperse and I ended up attracting exactly an equal amount of negative experiences as the positive experiences I got so excited about. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the deleterious effect existing within energy at all has on the physical substance of and as my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical trumps energy every time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the common sense of the physical, here.

Day 51- What Does the Feeling of Winning on Your Mobile Phone Say About Privilege?

I am feeling very unsettled. There was a moment of self-sabotage whilst playing a game on my phone competing with another being. This is a reoccurring experience of mine: when playing competitive games, it’s like there is this external intrusion that prevents me from expressing myself unconditionally within the playing. I experience a need to not try my best to win. When playing the game, I initially want to win very badly, but then it became apparent that it was not best for all for me to try to do so. However, then I experienced confusion because, what am I supposed to do when playing a competitive game if not try my best to win? What comes up in relation to this is a split between wanting to be “of this world” of the competition systems and being in this world but not “of this world”.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use competitive video games as a backdoor to living as what’s best for all in every moment, where I justify using my privileged knowledge and information from Desteni against the person with whom I’m competing within the ‘excuse’ that ‘it is a competitive game, I’m supposed to try to win’, instead of doing what’s best for all within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify trying my hardest even when it’s not what is best for all because of getting caught up in the energy rush of playing a game, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that such games are designed to create such energy rushes as energetic experiences, and if I cannot be sure that I stand steady and stable within myself before and during playing such games, maybe I should not start playing them in the first place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then go into the energetic experience of sadness in relation to ‘no longer being allowed’ to play such games, where I fear ‘missing out’ on the experience of playing competitive games, and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also fear missing out on competing within the world system through applying myself to live with and as what’s best for all within every moment, wherein I generate thoughts and feelings and desires related to winning and beating other participants that I can generate within myself when I compete, not realizing, seeing, nor understanding that the world-system is rigged in my favor in most of these situations, otherwise, how else could I so easily win?

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how such energies of glee, excitement, entertainment, and frivolity are dependent upon my unequal position in the world-system, where I have been given opportunities to develop skills which allow me to ‘beat’ another, without even having a say in being given these opportunities, but to simply have until this moment lived out my privilege on an unconscious level, accepting my position in the world system, without realizing the absolute horror beings who have not been gifted such opportunities must live in on a daily basis, here I am talking about those in destitution and subject to violence and abuse in ways I have not imagined, whose positions I also accepted without questioning the WHY and the HOW of their positioning, but simply indulged in the pleasures of my relative privilege seemingly unaffected by their real pain and horrible life experiences.

I mean, how is it that, in a single universe, millions can be suffering, while on the other side of the world, others are enjoying the finer niceties of life? Sure, the privileged occasionally give into guilt with regards their superior position in Life, but why do so few question HOW or WHY such beings can live in a sort of bubble of privilege without being affected in any way whatsoever by those suffering on the same planet? 

The principle of self-responsibility is confirmed within the lack of the intrusion of any law of karma or morality or connectedness which you would think would prevent a painless life of joy and happiness alongside beings suffering unspeakably. Which is just the problem of this world isn’t it? There is absolutely nothing TO stop you from living a life indulging in this or that luxury or feeling or experience or vacation or purchased item. The idea of a heaven or a hell is a lie, because otherwise how could millions of beings throughout all time have lived such lives without some law balancing out the situation on Earth to ease the suffering of millions others?



Investigate the Equal Money System and a Living Income Guaranteed to stop suffering on earth

Check out DIP Lite to walk the mind in detail. It’s a free course w/Buddy

Investigate Desteni-Universe
Investigate Desteni.org
Check out EQAFE- your existential library w/EVERY question answered for Everyone

Day 50- Self-Forgiveness for Anger for Smoking a Cigarette

Today I had a pretty good day. I called the hotel to complain about the employee who, as it turns out, did mistreat me. It didn’t change much, but I feel better about the situation now, lol. Also, I booked a massage and was treated by a highly skilled practioner who was able to assist me in feeling a LOT better. It was funny, because I was pretty sure he was gay, but then he started talking about his girlfriend, which might have been a cover, but just goes to show you can never judge a book by it’s cover.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself for smoking a cigarette, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it was a matter of really needing my fix, lol, because I simply was unable to purchase the vape pen at the store

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am going back into depression because I smoked a cigarette

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going into depression

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that fearing going into depression implies that I have forgotten the simple fact that I have lived with depression for years and years and years and so I have in fact already lived depression = definitely something to look out for, but not something to fear

When and as I see myself go into the emotional reaction of anger towards smoking a cigarette, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that at this point I have created a chemical dependency towards nicotine, and if something happens where I cannot get a replacement for my nicotine, one cigarette isn’t going to kill me.

I commit myself to purchase a vape pen

Desteni 'I' Process Lite- FREE online course w/Buddy
Desteni-Universe
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/ Every Question answered for Everyone

Day 49- How Spite Consumes Me

Today I had a reoccurring thought regarding an interaction I had with an employee of a hotel. I experienced myself as being wronged by this individual and have since kept having thoughts about calling the hotel to complain about this individual since I was not able to direct the situation initially in a way I would have preferred.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I should call and complain about this individual

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that thinking I should call and complain about this individual implies I am having an emotional reaction to our interaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within the emotion of feeling wronged by this individual

When and as I see myself go into the emotional reaction of feeling wronged, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this emotional reaction implies that I am already running within a mind program and must first find my self-responsibility within the situation before I can direct myself effectively once again.

I commit myself to first investigate the initial thought which triggered the behavior pattern, in this case spite, which caused the problematic situation in the first place, before accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional reaction of feeling spited and being constantly bombarded with the thought of retaliating against the other person, sapping my time and energy within my day thinking and emoting about a situation that happened now three days ago.

Day 48- Angry at Myself

Last night, I was having such a good day and then a single moment seemed to derail the entire thing. I was driving along in my truck and was trying to figure out where I was going to stay for the night now that I am here in Arizona. Instead of pulling over, I allowed the sneaking thought in: what if I just search hotels quickly and started searching for hotels on my phone while driving. Of course, I veered out of the lane and while nobody was hurt, it could have been a dangerous situation. I then spent the rest of the night angry at myself for allowing a single moment of carelessness to ruin a whole day and potentially my whole life moving forward from that point.



 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for looking up hotels on my phone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret looking up hotels on my phone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energetic possession after becoming angry with myself for looking up hotels on my phone while driving, where I was agitated and regretted my decision and couldn’t think or act clearly all night

I forgive myself that I then accepted and allowed myself to not handle the situation at the hotel well, because I was so agitated and disoriented and confused from being angry and disappointed and regretful from my decision earlier to use my phone whilst driving, that I was not stable and able to effectively direct the situation within the hotel to my satisfaction, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into further frustration and regret and energetic possession after my encounter with the deskperson at the hotel, where I sped up while driving away instead of going back and having a discussion with the person, simply allowing myself to go into a giving up reaction towards the situation within allowing the thought “I’m too tired to deal with this”. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe “I’m not good enough” to get myself established at the nice hotel. 



Visit Desteni.org
Visit Destonians.com
Visit Eqafe.com for Self-Perfection Merchandise

Day 47- The New Normal, Just Like the Old Normal

What with the COVID-19 crisis and the "new normal" we are experiencing on a worldwide scale, I, myself, am experiencing a shift in my personal process that I thought would benefit from a share. So, I am opening a new thread to start writing, here, as I am. Thanks for reading.

Currently, I am in a difficult situation, although that is relative considering the horrors some in this world currently face. However, I am in my own personally difficult situation, and that is what is relevant to me, it's what I have to work with, and it's what I can actually DO something about, so it's not to belittle my own situation despite the fact that I am not immediately faced with dying for lack of water or something like that.

Before this COVID-19 crisis, I had already faced a number of changes in my life. I was suspended from my position at work, I moved out of the place I was renting, and I acquired and then promptly disacquired a partner (lol). This, all in probably the space of a month. It's like a part of me anticipated the coming global transformational change and started creating this crisis or that to train myself for what was to come.

However, I was prepared for chaos, uncertainty, instability, whatever you want to call the current state of this world today since a long time ago. Growing up, someone close to me was prone to EXTREME bouts of anger. There was no telling what would set them off, so basically I developed a coping mechanism of manipulation, realizing it was more important to get this person to think/believe something was true whether or not that was actually the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use manipulation to convince someone something is true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not developed the skill of practical application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is more important for someone to think/believe/feel a certain way than it is to directly communicate with the being to come up with a practical solution

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that constantly manipulating others to create the illusion within their minds that things are a certain, specific way compounds consequence when things aren't actually done effectively in reality

Desteni.org

Day 46- Self-Forgiveness on Hopelessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that as long as I allow one thought as the mind as me to direct me, I cannot be effective in this life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify not being effective in life as what’s best for all because I beLieve it’s ‘hopeless’ to try to change Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it’s hopeless to try to change life into a life that is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents for putting me into a situation where it is apparently impossible to make changes within me / my world which move me towards being effective in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my parents for not apparently supporting me to make effective physical changes in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself without considering the changes I have already made through walking the Desteni tools of self-forgiveness, self-writing, and self-honesty

Visit Eqafe.com for supportive products that are best for all life
Visit Desteni.org
Join us on the forum

Day 45- Self-Forgiveness on Racism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear racism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate racism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for being racist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that experiencing racism in others implies that I have racism inside me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have racism inside me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that having racism inside me implies that I have been preprogrammed to have racism inside me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that having racism inside me implies that I am racist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be racist

Visit the forum: http://forum.desteni.org
Check out Desteni: desteni.org
Check out EQAFE - your EXISTENTIAL library with EVERY question answered for EVERYONE: eqafe.com

Day 44- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

Understand: these are general Self-Forgiveness Statements, not necessarily directly related with my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation
I forgive myeslf that I've not allowed myself to not realize that living in separation implies that I have been living in Energy as the Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Live in Energy in the Mind
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in the Mind as Energy despite not understanding the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not devote myself to knowing my Own Mind so Meticulously, that there is Absolutely No Point which can be manipulated by humankind to supposedly Demon-strate my weakness and therefore un-Righteousness, but instead Living a Commitment to Be my best Self to be the best Self I Can Be for ALL.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate an excuse within me, give it Energy, and thus Life, without considering the Abusive Effect this have on Life.

I forgive myself that I've Accepted and Allowed myself to have an Abusive relationship with Life.

For support:
Desteni.org
EQAFE
Desteni 'I' Process
DIP Lite - FREE course w/buddy

Day 43- Redefining and Living Separation

Self-Allocation Point:

Separation is probably the defining characteristic of my main personality system as the class clown, the black sheep, "the different one." I can see within and throughout my childhood how I have come again and again to define myself as separate from others, separate from myself, and separate from the existence which I have come from and am a part of. I have placed a negative polarity charge on separation, where I have avoided receiving the word separation. To me, it is defined as bad, negative, undesirable, and something to be avoided. I did not want to be viewed as separate, so I developed behavior patterns which would attract attention to me so that I could avoid the experience of separation. As long as I was receiving attention from others, how could I be alone? And yet, such attention was the result of manipulative behavior patterns = not best for all.

 

 

Dictionary Definition:

 

1: the act or process of separating: the state of being separated
2:  a: a point, line, or means of division
     b: an intervening space: GAP
3:  a: cessation of cohabitation between married couples by mutual agreement or judicial decree
     b: termination of a contractual relationship (such as employment or military service)

Sounding of the Word:

 

Sep-are-ation

Sep- Septic
Are- Existing
Ation- Nation

Septic- Toxic
Existing- State of Being
Nation- The externalized manifestation of internally-created toxicity
; the compounded manifestation of separation

Creative Writing:

 

Separation is the internal and external manifestation of toxicity
Separation is the state of living abuse internally and externally
Separation is internal and external manifested abuse that is unacceptable

Final Definition:

 

Separation is the expression of each one's uniqueness within oneness and equality

Does my definition represent what this word stands for?
Yes

Is my definition free from polarities?
Yes

Can I stand by this definition into infinity?Yes

Desteni.org
For a guide on this redefinition process, check: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18230
Check EQAFE.com