Self-Allocation Point
Spite is a pretty extensive point for me within my life. What came up immediately was my relationship with my mother, which, when communication was replaced by manipulation, transferred into a dynamic of: spite. She didn't trust me, so she would act towards me in ways that didn't consider what was best for me. In return, I responded to her unreasonable requests and expectations (power over me) spitefully. I was trying to hold onto whatever sense of independence I could, especially when I knew that what she was telling me to do / making me do wasn't what was best for me. So, I learned to manipulate her to get her to believe a certain image of me, so that I could then act in the way I wanted to.
Dictionary Definition
noun
1. : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart
2. : an instance of spite
in spite of
So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.
The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.
However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.
: in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by
succeeded in spite of their opposition
verb
1. a: annoy, offend
b: to fill with spite
2. to treat maliciously (as by shaming or thwarting)
Sounding of the Word
spit- To spew toxins outwardly
Creative Writing
I see spite as a very extreme manifestation in this world. When I was exploring my self-allocation point of the word, I initially saw it as a manifested behavior pattern that was more neutral in terms of the external affect it had on my world. More "in spite of". But, I see within the dictionary definition that there is also the definition of "to be spiteful towards." Which is a darker dimension as it implies wanting to treat someone maliciously, which is going beyond simply doing something despite their preference, simply because you want to do it, and venturing into the territory of deliberate abuse.So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.
The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.
However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.
Due to a wrist injury, I will continue this redefinition process in a later blog.
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