Day 53- Lack of a Support Network

I was doing some reading on male depression, and it mentioned how it was important for men to have a support network to deal with their depression. Some people to bounce your thoughts off of, to talk about what you are going through, and to perhaps gain additional perspectives or insights one had not previously considered. Taking a look at my life, I realize and understand that I don't have a support network, like, at all. Why would this be so?

What it comes down to is: I have not created a support network in my life. Despite having 'Met' countless people, my intention or direction within meeting these people has always been obfuscated by self-interest (read: limitation) in one form or another.

If it was the people I 'Met' because I wanted a job offer from them, I was only considering my survival. Perhaps I used manipulation to charm them into thinking I was a good candidate for the job. Since I was not Directive within Self-Honesty in my approach to our interaction = the relationship didn't end up being supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach potential employers/managers from the perspective of manipulating them to create an image within their minds of me as employable, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding the importance of Expressing myself Here, in the moment, in Each and Every interaction in Self-Trust and Self-Honesty, regardless of my desire, driven by fear, of acquiring money from a job, wherein I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the outcome of a manipulated relationship is going to be tainted in such a way as to create Consequences which will prevent such a relationship from being Supportive of Me.

Day 32- Redefining and Living Illness (Part 1)

Illness. This is a word I see within myself that requires redefinition.

Self-Allocation Point

I believe myself to have become mentally ill at some point and thus am already, in a sense, living the word illness. This illness manifested due to drug abuse and addiction. It has become manifest as both a mis-alignment of the mind and physical within myself with a side dish of depression and the accompanying anxiety. I have experienced isolation, despair, sadness, anger, and all sorts of (mainly negative) emotions in relation to this word, as well as certain positive feelings such as superiority and righteousness.

Dictionary Definition

1. a: Sickness
    b: An unhealthy condition of body or mind
2. a. Wickedness
    b. Unpleasantness

Sounding of the Word

I'll- I will
nice- kindness

Investigate the Word

I have associated a negative polarity to this word. Obviously, this is different from the normal situation of polarized words people lived, as this is more a entire mind consciousness system manifestation / breakdown / misalignment. Nonetheless, I have a negative polarity associated with this word. Within looking at the sounding of the word, I broke it down into two parts: I will & kindness. Here, I define illness as the state of saying: I will be kind later. Right now, I am ill. Therefore, any manner of behavior is justified as I am not in a position of functioning normally. Of course, there have been moments where this illness I am living has been out of my control, but the point still remains: while I am under the control and spell of illness, I am unable to live kindness: only in the unproven future where I am no longer living illness will I be capable of living kindness.

One aspect of how I have lived this word is within hiding within it. There have been opportunities for me to transcend my living of the word illness that I have rejected and I have also experienced this within others who are also living illness: a certain coldness or wickedness within wanting to / doing things that cause me to remain within living the word illness.

Thus, every time I have failed to take concrete steps to transcend my illness, I am saying to my entire external reality: I will be kind later.

This explains how I've allowed myself to become homeless and resort to stealing / charity / welfare to meet my needs, as my needs still remained even as I was essentially saying: I refuse to take care of myself. Thus, instead of being nice, I was forcing others in my reality to support me.

Creative Phase

Illness is a state of being unable and/or unwilling to be kind until later.
Illness is a state of disempowerment.
Illness involves some form of manipulation, as, if you can't be nice to people, how are you to gather the resources necessary for your survival in this world?
Illness is a refusal to stand up in this world.

The steps taken for this redefinition process can be found here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18230