Day 64- In a Relationship with a Narcissist? Don't Be Like I Was

You know how they say you should go no contact if you realize you have a narcissist in your life? Well, I am a shining example of a reason why. Instead of reaching out to friends or other family members when I was in need, I went crawling back to the narcissist. It was a ‘comfortable’ relationship, which basically meant it was one of those relationships that society ‘tells’ you is sacrosanct. For me, that meant I didn’t have to deal with my issues as long as I could keep going back to this relationship. What I didn’t realize was that merely participating in this relationship WAS one of my issues. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a relationship with a narcissist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that participating in a relationship with a narcissist implies I lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that lacking self-respect implies I have never created self-respect within and as who I am as a living word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone else should give me self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that believing someone else should give me self-respect implies that I am not the director of myself

When and as I see myself wanting to participate in a relationship with this narcissist, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there will be no closure when participating in a relationship with a narcissist and therefore there is no way this relationship can be best for all or best for me in any way.

When and as I see myself not direct myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that lacking self-direction implies I am waiting for someone or something to direct me, such as a substance to which I am addicted or an authority figure or fear or needing money and so I deny myself the gift of creating myself whenever I give my authority over to someone or something outside of me to direct me, but that there can be no closure within that relationship because I am not a narcissist and therefore I must take responsibility for who I am in every moment.

I commit myself to take responsibility for who I am in every moment

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 63- Fearing Living Words

How did I get to the point where I am afraid of myself? Why are you afraid of yourself? Ego. I am enthralled with the idea of bringing something unknown into this world but I would rather experience the energy of being that person than actually express myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to experiencing myself as important- instead of being inspired by ‘being important’ to actually act to bring something unknown into this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being addicted to the energy of being important mirrors my own addictions to substances in and of this world, which I use as a ‘backdoor’ to keep me cycling in cycles of being of this world as I engage in/with substances, and holding me back from being ‘in’ this world but not ‘of’ this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear missing an opportunity to express myself in such a way as to bring something unknown into this world, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown because I fear making a mistake and because I fear death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a mistake

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing making a mistake implies I haven’t acted on the goal I haven’t even set for myself which is to bring something unknown into this world



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not differentiate between mind constructs, nothingness, and living words wherein I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define mind constructs as negative and nothingness as positive and not allowed myself to live words because I have defined living words as ‘something’ and thus gave myself no space/time to explore living words because I was caught in the duality of “either you are in the Mind” or: “you are creating Nothingness”. 


Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 62- Fearing Sleeping

Today there was a moment where I could see that what I was on my way to do wasn't what was best for me, but I continued on to do the thing I had set out to do anyway. I can see that the original thought to do the thing was tied to a habitual behavioral pattern that is not best for all, but I interpreted the self-honesty to stop/change what I was doing as "intrusive".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the budding expression of self-honesty as intrusive because it apparently contradicted my previous thought that I wanted to do the thing I was on my way doing.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not realize that experiencing the self-honesty impulse to STOP is actually my self-expression trying to "poke through" whereas the original thought to do the thing was a) aligned with a habit that is b) not best for all and my suppression of STOPPING in that moment was actually me as the mind wanting to "cling" to my unconscious behavioral pattern of taking caffeine at night when it will affect my sleep and through off my rhythm making it difficult to participate normally during the day.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this thought is an extension of my mind and not what is best for all/self in a moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that the thought "it's too early to sleep, I should go get a diet Coke" is not as innocent as it seems- as it happened in the evening and has had repercussions lasting into the early morning in terms of me not being able to sleep. The seemingly INNOCENT enjoyment of a coke that late in my day/evening has consequences lasting for the 12 hour half-life of caffeine. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very thought of not wanting to sleep is = avoiding a negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleeping too early in the night as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that defining sleeping too early in the night as negative implies that I fear waking up too early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up 'too early'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing waking up 'too early' implies that I believe I will have nothing to do if I wake up early in the morning when nothing is apparently going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have nothing to do early in the morning- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding there are plenty of activities I can do early in the morning.

When and as I see myself go into the experience of tiredness and then react to that within 'it is too early/late to sleep', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I must check in with myself during such times and listen to my body- if it needs sleep and I can afford to get some rest, then I can let my body rest.

When and as I see myself react to sleepiness within 'I should get some caffeine, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are certain situations where taking caffeine will/could/might affect my ability to sleep during 'normal sleeping hours' lol, and so I can/should take that into consideration when considering taking caffeine to fend of tiredness.

When and as I see myself fearing sleeping in case I should 'wake up too early', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that 'waking up too early' is/has been defined by me through my mind and, as long as I am getting the proper amount of sleep, there is always something I can do/be doing, regardless of the 'time' I might have to do it.

I commit myself to let my body sleep when/if it needs to sleep

I commit myself to consider the time of day when considering taking caffeine; if it's too late and I don't want to be up late, I commit myself to not partake of caffeine

I commit myself to realign my relationship with activities/tasks to being effective/productive and not define my willingness/appropriateness of doing the task by the time of day.


Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 61- Coming to Terms with Narcissistic Abuse

Coming to terms with the fact that my life is ruined because of my choice to interact with a narcissist and buy into her insinuations that she is there to help me. It is easy to blame this person for wasting my life, but I participated with/as her in the ways I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moments of change during times of conflict because I fear the unknown and because I am not secure in who I am within the world system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing the unknown implies I cling to the known

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing the unknown to justify avoiding change in moments of conflict, instead of seizing moments of conflict as opportunities to change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that not being secure in who I am within the world system implies that I haven’t created my change into placing myself as who I am within and as the world system, taking into consideration the principle of being in the world, but not of the world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system- instead of creating financial stability for myself step by step

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 60- The Perfect Job- Does it Exist?

I don’t know what type of job I want. I can see that it is perhaps more important so simply place myself in the system, because the likelihood of landing a job that fits into my fantasy of being perfectly melded with my process and goals seems unlikely. Even landing the type of job I want seems unlikely— what’s more important is to place myself in the system in a financially stable position, knowing I will be able to apply myself within my process in whichever position I find myself actually being hired for. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate thoughts and feelings about landing the perfect job, only to become upset when the littlest thing derails my path

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can navigate the entire system perfectly, without making one single tiny misstep, in such a way as perfectly matches the vision I created within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s more a matter of practically placing myself in the system with the goal of achieving financial independence, a process which guarantees nothing and is rather dependent upon the actions of external characters who determine whether I am hired or fired, regardless of the energy I have applied towards my idea of the position, and the polarities I have assigned the words that describe the position

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not humble myself before the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am more important than the entire system that supports human beings on earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that thinking I am more important than the entire system that supports human beings on earth implies that I believe the system values me as an individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my belief that the system values me as an individual, think and believe that it then thus owes me a position to my liking such as I am capable of envisioning ahead of time, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must physically walk myself into places of employment and ask for a job without the security and stability that I imagine within my mind of it matching my wants, needs, and desires perfectly to a t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus want to control the employment situation ahead of time by generating a certain energy frequency based on my imaginings of ‘the perfect job’ and allowing and accepting myself to become upset when the world out-there doesn’t match up with that generated energy frequency I have created, leading me to think thoughts about wanting to give up even looking for a job and spending days and days cycling in this cycle of generating imaginings and fantasies related to a ‘job’, going about my errands and experiencing a lack of support for that particular energetic frequency, and then giving up searching for a job entirely

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am generating positive energy in my mind around an image of a perfect job I would like to have, concurrently there exists negative energy related to ‘what I don’t want from a job’ that I am trying to avoid and so,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to avoid certain scenarios as jobs/hiring processes/situations instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that, similar to the positive energy-experiences I ‘crave’, such scenarios/instances/hypothetical situations = don’t exist

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the giving up/not wanting to look for a job component is based on imagery/energies and so similarly not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such negative energetic experiences as imagined scenarios cannot and will not exist and therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the generated negative emotional charges related to those thoughts/ideas/fantasies as justification to not look for a job/just give up looking while the clock keeps on ticking for me to establish financial stability within/as the system


Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 59- What Scrolling Social Media Says About the Nature of the Mind

You're sitting there on Instagram, scrolling through your feed. You know you shouldn't be doing it, but at this point you've been in lockdown for what seems like years and, really, what else is there to do?!?

You know what I'm talking about when you experience what seems like a continuous stream of highs and lows, seemingly unrelated to the content you're viewing. Why does it seem like sometimes when you are viewing things you actually like, you still go into a "down?" Why do you sometimes get a rush when you are looking at disturbing content, and then feel guilty about it later? Why can't you seem to just look at your content without the endless rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows?

The thing about the mind is that it is actually preprogrammed. When you are sitting looking at your feed, you are suppressing whatever normal emotions and feelings you'd experience throughout your day, searching for just a moment of calm in this crazy world. But have you noticed you can't just turn your mind off?

The programs of the mind continue operating in the background as you lounge on the couch with your phone. You open your feed and the image of a kitten resonates with a positive memory of kittens, and your mind's program is activated.

You keep scrolling.

While you have meticulously curated your feed at this point to present an unbroken stream of almost entirely positive, apparently uplifting images, including glamour shots of your friends doing cool stuff, you know it's coming: the inevitable valley after the peak of euphoria.

Why is it so hard to predict what will trigger this sudden relapse into negative feelings? Clearly, a well-taken picture of your stoked friend doing something envious should elicit positive feelings. Although, sometimes it's just the odd dark or realistic image that has snuck into your scrolling which triggers it, and that make's more sense. But it doesn't seem to really matter which image it is, the oscillation between high and low seems inevitable.

So, what's going on here?

As mentioned earlier, the nature and structure of your mind is preprogrammed and those programs are based in polarity. In order to continuously generate energy (the mind, like a computer, requires energy to keep operating it's programs), the mind needs to swing back and forth between positive and negative. This program operates regardless of what is going on in your environment

What's more, it can utilize positive or negative images/experiences to trigger the next stage of the program- it doesn't matter if you are already in a positive or negative experience.

For more information on how the mind operates and how to break out of the cycle of constantly cycling between positive and negative, positive and negative, investigate Desteni.

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
DIP PRO
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 58- Hurry Up!

So a trigger point is when someone isn’t moving quickly enough for me. This stresses me out.

 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, because of believing I am better than that person and because I am afraid of becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by the person.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am better than the other person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that believing I am better than the other person implies I am in the mind, not here in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use believing I am better than the other person in my mind to justify becoming stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, instead of slowing down to be here, in physical reality, by breathing and coming back into my physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person implies that I have been living out this fear reaction for a long time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished by another person if I allow them to affect me -instead of directing myself within common sense in every moment of breath

Day 57- Part 4- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as separate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as more than


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must take full responsibility for who I am in every moment of breath, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand in equality with my world and my environment in every moment of breath, but to instead go into the mind in separation where I can define myself as special, different, more than, or less than another, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that the very person I am defining myself in relation to is: a part of me in oneness and equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the equality part of the oneness and equality reality, where I accept the oneness of existence and reality without considering the equality that must be cherished within each being existent in our shared reality, where it is the absolute manifestation of spite and hatred to consider myself as more valuable than another being, simply because I have defined myself as such within my mind, being, and body, not considering that: we have all been gifted life equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than within a self-definition of mental illness, where I secretly, within myself wanted to be more than others, but when I couldn't get my way, I descended into the depths of the darkness available within me, programming myself in despair, self-pity, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-abuse, manifesting myself as the very realization of less-than so I could hold another in spite

Investigative links:
Desteni.org
DIP Lite- FREE online course w/Buddy
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every Question Answered

Day 57- Part 3- Self-Interest/Self-Abuse

Today there were two moments where I saw something which I could have acted upon which was best for all. Unfortunately, I didn’t ‘trust’ the self-trust within me (remember, everything is in reverse), and continued doing the thing I knew wasn’t best for all. The thing about these moments is that it wasn’t pure self-interest which I was following, but actually a self-interested self-abusive point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by drinking the frappucino.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which inside me told me to not drink the frappucino, even though I knew it was best for all within the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I received a second chance in the form of leaving the frappucino in my truck, to instead grab the frappucino out of my truck and proceed to drink it, embodying Spite in all it’s eviL glory in that moment

Desteni.org

Day 57- Part 2- Two Dimensions of Spite

Self-Allocation Point

Spite is a pretty extensive point for me within my life. What came up immediately was my relationship with my mother, which, when communication was replaced by manipulation, transferred into a dynamic of: spite. She didn't trust me, so she would act towards me in ways that didn't consider what was best for me. In return, I responded to her unreasonable requests and expectations (power over me) spitefully. I was trying to hold onto whatever sense of independence I could, especially when I knew that what she was telling me to do / making me do wasn't what was best for me. So, I learned to manipulate her to get her to believe a certain image of me, so that I could then act in the way I wanted to.

Dictionary Definition 

noun 

1. : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart

2. : an instance of spite

in spite of

: in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by succeeded in spite of their opposition

verb

1. a: annoy, offend

    b: to fill with spite

2. to treat maliciously (as by shaming or thwarting)

  

 

Sounding of the Word

spit- To spew toxins outwardly

Creative Writing

I see spite as a very extreme manifestation in this world. When I was exploring my self-allocation point of the word, I initially saw it as a manifested behavior pattern that was more neutral in terms of the external affect it had on my world. More "in spite of". But, I see within the dictionary definition that there is also the definition of "to be spiteful towards." Which is a darker dimension as it implies wanting to treat someone maliciously, which is going beyond simply doing something despite their preference, simply because you want to do it, and venturing into the territory of deliberate abuse.

So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.

The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.

However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.

Due to a wrist injury, I will continue this redefinition process in a later blog.

Day 57- Growing Out of Competitive Video Games

I experience myself as quite sensitive to my external environment. I pick up on the energy of whoever is around me, and sometimes the person can be miles away and I still 'pick up' on their energy. For example, when I play a game on my phone, I 'pick up' on the energy of the other person playing, and it is no longer about me the game, but about who the other person is within their playing.

Obviously, bringing this back to self, it is an indication I am not grounded in my physical body. I should not be able to be influenced by another person in such a way as to become emotionally upset or feel like I am not in control of the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset when playing a mobile game and I perceive myself as 'unable to just play', but am instead apparently forced to reckon with who this person is within their life, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that such a reaction indicates that I was not grounded before playing the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ground myself within my physical body before engaging with another on mobile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become upset when I perceive myself as no longer able to just play my precious game

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that becoming upset while playing the game indicates that I was already lost within the mind before I even started playing the game, creating an unstable situation, where the equality equation might require that I a) stop playing the game or b) deprioritize 'just playing the game' for a moment to deal with this person within who they are in their environment on a beingness level, but I am within that moment only considering/thinking/emoting in relation to myself and thus become upset when my little bubble of self is broken and *gasp* someone else's life might interrelate with mine.

I have noticed that I only become upset in this way when playing competitive multiplayer games. When I am playing a single-player puzzle game, for example, I do not experience the same "I am being intruded upon" emotional reaction. Something about the competitive nature of the multiplayer games I've played just doesn't jive with walking my process, even in those instances where I've grounded myself before playing. Because it's always about the beings playing and where they are within who they are that is the most important thing to consider in trying to build a world that is best for all. And so I'm drawn to put aside utilizing whichever method or psychological trick I have at my disposal to win the game at any cost, and then the game is no longer really relaxing or fun for me.

Investigate Desteni and especially the DIP Lite FREE online course w/Buddy where you learn to walk the mind in detail in the first step in taking responsibility for who and what you are in this world. From there, we can expand to implementing an Equal Money System that considers the inherent value in all life.

Desteni.org

Day 56- Self-sabotage

Why do I sabotage myself. How do I sabotage myself. When I don’t slow down, and I rush to do things, I am sabotaging myself. Why and how do I rush to do things? Caffeine. Improper nutrition. Stress caused by caffeine and improper nutrition. I need to focus on taking care of the little things in my life. This will help me establish discipline. This will strengthen my self-responsibility. I was not taught self-responsibility. I was taught obedience. I was taught to follow directions.

Self-supportive EQAFE products dealing with self-sabotage:

Deliberately Sabotaging my Own Change - Part 152

Self Sabotage: Nature & Design - Atlanteans - Par… 

Fear of Change: Understanding & Support - Fears &…

Giving Up: Self Sabotaged Beginnings - Atlanteans…

Desteni.org

 

Day 55- Internal Strength

I remember when I was younger overhearing the mother of a friend talk about how enrolling her son in wrestling was one of the best decisions she made for him because it taught him about inner strength and I had an extensive reaction. This happened in my parents’ home during a party they threw for friends and family every year and I was sure that she was conveying this story specifically because I was within earshot and would thus hear what she was saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe C was comparing her son to me and implying that her son had inner strength while I lack inner strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience internal words about how I was smarter than her son

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what C thinks about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as lacking internal strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for my belief that I lack internal strength

When and as I see myself go into the belief that I lack internal strength, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this belief is actually making me less strong internally.

I commit myself to make practical steps to strengthen myself internally, both on a physical and a beingness level, for me, and not so that I can go and prove to C or anyone else that: see, I am, in fact, internally strong, because developing and nurturing and strengthening my internal strength is best for me

Desteni.org

Day 54- Part 2- I abused myself

I abused my human physical body. I had absolutely no respect for who I really was. Just the manifestation of self-abuse, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-disrespect. Why?

I sought validation. Validation for who I was a human being.

And, when I received none, I started to doubt my value within existence. I didn’t think I had any value within who I was within existence. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that needing validation implies that I do not value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not need myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that not needing myself implies that I don’t take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself

Day 54- Self-abuse through substance addiction

Having a look at my patterns of substance intake, I see that I have extensively abused my body through ingesting this substance or that. While, at this point, I no longer lean on the hard drugs I used to participate with and within, there are a number of timeloops involving substance use within which I continue to participate.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ingest substances simply for the energetic high I experience while under the influence of drugs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a point of no return where I take the substance into my human physical body and then immediately manifest the experience of regret because ‘now my day will be conditioned upon and by this substance’ and I believe I have limited myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can limit myself with substance intake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the experience of regret within and as myself in relation to substance intake, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I don’t even begin to understand how such substances physically work in my body, but in-take them anyway




Desteni.org
Understand addiction at the Forum
Desteni-Universe
7 Year Journey to Life
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every Question answered for Everyone
Living Income Guaranteed

Day 53- Lack of a Support Network

I was doing some reading on male depression, and it mentioned how it was important for men to have a support network to deal with their depression. Some people to bounce your thoughts off of, to talk about what you are going through, and to perhaps gain additional perspectives or insights one had not previously considered. Taking a look at my life, I realize and understand that I don't have a support network, like, at all. Why would this be so?

What it comes down to is: I have not created a support network in my life. Despite having 'Met' countless people, my intention or direction within meeting these people has always been obfuscated by self-interest (read: limitation) in one form or another.

If it was the people I 'Met' because I wanted a job offer from them, I was only considering my survival. Perhaps I used manipulation to charm them into thinking I was a good candidate for the job. Since I was not Directive within Self-Honesty in my approach to our interaction = the relationship didn't end up being supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach potential employers/managers from the perspective of manipulating them to create an image within their minds of me as employable, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding the importance of Expressing myself Here, in the moment, in Each and Every interaction in Self-Trust and Self-Honesty, regardless of my desire, driven by fear, of acquiring money from a job, wherein I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the outcome of a manipulated relationship is going to be tainted in such a way as to create Consequences which will prevent such a relationship from being Supportive of Me.