Day 75- Redefining and Living Careful

 Self-Allocation

“Be careful” I was often told during my childhood. Rarely did I want to listen. Usually, it was because I was doing something exciting or challenging and that was the expression I wanted to take. Eventually, I came to assign a negative value to ‘Careful’ because I didn’t like it being imposed upon me. Another example is when I was driving with someone in the car and they, panicking, said “Be careful!” when it wasn’t really a situation where I wasn’t “being careful.” In fact, being careful became such a negative thing in my life that I took on an entire personality of being ‘Careless,’ that eventually became ‘Reckless’ and caused a lot of consequences for me in my life.

Dictionary Definition

care·ful
/ˈkerfəl/

adjective
adjective: careful; superlative adjective: carefullest
1.    making sure of avoiding potential danger, mishap, or harm; cautious."I begged him to be more careful”
2.     done with or showing thought and attention.
"a careful consideration of the facts”

Sounding of the Word

Care-full
Care: To give proper attention to; to love
Full: To the maximum capacity; to the optimal level

Investigating the Word

When I was forced to be careful as a child, I resented that. I wanted to act as I was acting at the time, and didn’t understand fully what it meant to be careful, other than to do something in a way someone else wanted it to be done- not how I wanted it to be done. Eventually, I assigned a negative value to being careful, and expressed carelessness throughout my life. While the intentions of authority figures telling me to be careful was to avoid harm or danger, I interpreted that as being forced to do something a certain way when I was fully capable of doing it my way. However, I didn’t really consider and incorporate into my vocabulary and thus living the second definition of careful, which is done with or showing thought and attention. Very little of what I had in my childhood was explained to me as being mine and so I never had much incentive to care about the things in my reality. I was made to understand that it was my parents’ house I lived in, as if I was a guest there, so when I was assigned chores to do, I was only careful to the extent that I did a good enough job to have my work acknowledged by my parents. I didn’t understand that people were careful with their things because they cared about them and themselves and wanted to make the best out of their lives.

Creative Phase

Careful is taking care of everything in my reality without becoming overwhelmed but by exercising common sense.
Being careful is not doing things that hurt my body but taking care of the basic things in my life to allow me to live my life to the fullest extent possible
Careful is extending care to myself and others to reach my optimum potential
Careful is expressing the proper amount of care to myself and others

Final Definition

Careful is expressing the proper amount of care to myself and others



Day 67- Redefining and Living Apathy (A-Path-I-See)

The process I used to explore this word can be found here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18230

Self-Allocation

For me, I can remember developing a certain sense of apathy in my childhood in relation to my younger brother. He would go to extreme ends in attempting to gain my attention and eventually I learned to ‘block him out,’ so to speak. This sense of carelessness became a bit of an energetic fix of more-thanness whenever he would be acting sporadically and I would sit there, calm, grounded, having already decided I was going to ignore him. The more he thrashed, the better I felt, as I knew my lack of reaction was only winding him up more. Another memory I have related to the word apathy is when I received a compliment in high school from a popular girl who implied I just didn’t seem to care about things. I agreed with her assessment and felt a positive energy when she said I didn’t care. Thus, I have come over time to charge this word, apathy, with positive energy. 



Dictionary Definition


1. lack of feeling or emotion : IMPASSIVENESS
    // drug abuse leading to apathy and depression
2. lack of interest or concern: INDIFFERENCE
    // political apathy

Sounding of the Word

A-path-I-see



Investigating the word

I have developed a positive polarity in association with the word apathy as I learned to express indifference to my little brother and my mother’s erratic behavior growing up. This continued into my school days as I often got in trouble for showing indifference to my teacher’s and my mother’s expectations of me. Once I started using drugs, I enjoyed the apathetic feeling I experienced while under their influence, as if the world and it’s problems didn’t matter. Eventually, I came to lack total interest or concern with anything except for drugs, as I saw the world as a hopeless place and had little interest in politics. This apathetic feeling I kept reaching for made me feel separate from the world around me, in a way that made me feel superior. Instead of learning to work with the system, I just rejected it, justifying my apathy with self-righteousness.

It’s interesting that the dictionary definition gave an example of drug abuse leading to apathy and depression, as that’s exactly what happened to me. I chased that feeling of apathy as separation and more-thanness in relation to the world around me, a feeling that drugs helped me to achieve. However, the combination of the drug abuse and re-charging the emotional experience of apathy over and over again led to depression, which to me is basically the experience of inescapable apathy. While getting high and feeling separate from the world and my own problems was originally a choice I made, once I became depressed, I was basically at the throes of my own negative emotions. Apathy came to me without choice, even when I wanted to do things that I enjoyed. Thus, by positively valuing apathy, I eventually created like this giant inescapable experience of apathy towards everyone and everything in this world. And I really got very deep into it! I ended up homeless, completely cut off from everyone in my past life, even my parents, just experiencing pain and indifference over and over again without even understanding how I had created this experience for myself nor how deeply embedded within it I truly was. 

Within the word ‘apathy’, I see the sounds ‘A path i see’. Even still, to this day, I tend to react to my problems or difficult experiences within apathy, where I even have caught myself at times saying ‘I just don’t care’ when faced with an uncomfortable experience. What I have really thought / decided within myself even previous to this statement, however, is “I can’t do this.” Within the sounds I see in the word, what if, instead of thinking ‘I can’t do this’, and then justifying/trying to soothe myself within the maelstrom of negative emotions/the actual, real problem still existing in my world within the statement as energetic experience of “I don’t care”, I stopped, took a breath, slowed my world/reality down for a moment, and said “A path I see”. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I can’t do this” when confronted with a difficult situation/problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then justify my reaction of “I can’t do this” with/within the energetic experience of “I don’t care about this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into the experience of blame for experiencing the difficult situation in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the positive experience of apathy is the other side of the coin of the negative experience of blame/jealousy that other’s are not apparently forced to experience the same plight to which I have been subject, and that these two energetic experiences compliment/balance out each other to create and maintain the entire energetic personality activation when a difficult situation causes me to have the thought “I can’t do this”. Further, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that this personality experience as the oscillation between positive feeling and negative emotional energy is designed to keep me trapped in energy / distract me from the actual issue at hand that I am not moving myself to effectively find solutions for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the entire energetic personality system is already activated as soon as I have the thought “I can’t do this” and by the time I notice that I am in positive feelings of apathy/negative feelings of blame/self-pity/comparison/blame = it is already too late. 

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the positive feeling of apathy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that apathy is the outflow of giving up, where I instead seek positive energetic fixes through distracting myself from the triggering issue/event that “I don’t care about”.  I am not apathy, I am not an energy that keeps me distracted and limited in my reaction to a problem in my reality.

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the negative emotion of blame, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that blame is used to justify my apathy so that I can keep going back and forth between positive and negative energetic experiences in my mind, not seeking solutions and acting in reality to create solutions. I am not blame. I created the problems that caused this Particular Mind Construct to activate, I am response-ABLE to fix them.  

When and as I see myself react to a problem within the thought “I can’t do this,” I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a thought indicate I am in my Mind, experiencing energy resourced from the physical, essentially Self-Abuse. I am not the Mind. I can create and implement solutions to a problem as it is presented to me. I am not Self-Abuse.



I commit myself to create and implement solutions that are Best for All.

Day 66- Self-Forgiveness on Placing my Power in Another

Many moons ago, I fell in ‘love’ with a person who I believed granted me access to things I simply would not be able to discover without this person in my presence. It is true that I discovered possibilities I hadn’t thought of before I met this person. However, I came to put A on a pedestal because I had the belief that I wouldn’t be able to continue to access these unknown, apparently ‘extraordinary’ things without being around them.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can only access ‘extraordinary’ things when in the presence of A

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A is more-than others because I discovered these things about myself in their presence and therefore they must be imbued with ‘special’ powers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A has ‘special’ powers- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that these things I accessed within myself are simply ‘Words’- words, which can be accessed and lived by anyone who has the vocabulary to access them

I forgive myself therefore for placing my power to access words outside of myself, in A, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have the power to access and live words within myself, if only I applied the process of redefining words into a form I can stand with/as into infinity and committing myself to live them

When and as I see myself place my power to live words outside of myself in an ‘other’ ‘out-there’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the power to live words lies within me, I am the arbiter of my destiny within redefining the words that constitute my participation in this reality and choosing to bring to life new words.

I commit myself to redefine and live words that are best for all

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 63- Fearing Living Words

How did I get to the point where I am afraid of myself? Why are you afraid of yourself? Ego. I am enthralled with the idea of bringing something unknown into this world but I would rather experience the energy of being that person than actually express myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to experiencing myself as important- instead of being inspired by ‘being important’ to actually act to bring something unknown into this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being addicted to the energy of being important mirrors my own addictions to substances in and of this world, which I use as a ‘backdoor’ to keep me cycling in cycles of being of this world as I engage in/with substances, and holding me back from being ‘in’ this world but not ‘of’ this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear missing an opportunity to express myself in such a way as to bring something unknown into this world, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown because I fear making a mistake and because I fear death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a mistake

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing making a mistake implies I haven’t acted on the goal I haven’t even set for myself which is to bring something unknown into this world



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not differentiate between mind constructs, nothingness, and living words wherein I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define mind constructs as negative and nothingness as positive and not allowed myself to live words because I have defined living words as ‘something’ and thus gave myself no space/time to explore living words because I was caught in the duality of “either you are in the Mind” or: “you are creating Nothingness”. 


Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 40- Redefining and Living Stability

The process used in this redefinition process can be seen here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18505. Suggest to check it out for assistance in redefining and living your own words.

Gathering information stage:

Self-allocation point:

I have been, indirectly and directly, called unstable by multiple people, including myself. Thus, my allocation in relation to this word stable is that: it is not me. Going back, as class clown, the funny guy, I can see that I have always stood out, sought attention, and have never really been OK with myself as who I am within.

Early in my childhood/adolescence, I didn’t recognize the expression of stability within myself, having received chastisement/punishment for expressing myself and so never really coming to honor a core/stability within myself as a natural right to be honored for just simply being. Thus, since I didn’t recognize myself as a stable, continuous being, I didn’t honor that and was always trying to disrupt stability around me. I would act out, crack jokes, and behave in other ways which would disrupt the classroom because I wasn’t taught to value stability.

Because I wasn’t given attention at home as who I really was, I devised other ways to gain that attention. Namely by disrupting a stable atmosphere that others sought/valued. I externalized/imposed the absence of stability within myself on others. I grew to enjoy my class clown personality, as it got me the attention that I didn’t receive just for being a human being, and a child at that. It didn’t help that I was classified as a gifted child and was separated from my peers both in age and location when I skipped a grade and attended a private school.

I carried this outsider personality with me through adolescence and college, where an encounter with psychedelics only accelerated my otherness as it allowed me to gain insights and abilities that further separated me from others. Soon enough, I was having visions of being a god-sent prophet/guru charged with raising the consciousness of earth and I dropped out of college. Eventually, I found myself homeless. Alone and addicted to drugs, I was certainly the living embodiment of a lack of stability.

Unfortunately, I have ended up back with the very person who robbed me of a sense of stability in the first place. In my quest to gain stability, I have basically forgotten my entire history of living the opposite of stability and have singularly focused on this person as being THE ONLY obstacle to me gaining stability. 

Definition:

the quality, state, or degree of being stable: such as
    a: the strength to stand or endure: FIRMNESS
    b: the property of a body that causes it when disturbed to form a condition of equilibrium or steady motion to develop forces or moments that restore the original condition
    c: resistance to chemical change or to physical disintegration
2. residence for life in one monastery

Sounding of the word:

Sounds identified:
Sta
Bility



Associations identified with the sounds:
sta- stay, stable
Bility- Ability

Stay- To remain
Ability- Capacity, Skill, Capability

Creative writing:

Stability is the ability for the self-core to remain constant despite what is going on externally
Stability is the the skill of firmness that is able to be developed over time
Stability is the capacity to remain firm
Stability is the capability to remain firm when others are blown over by the wind
Stability is the ability to remain who I am even as the environment impulses me to change
Stability is the ability to remain stable regardless of what is going on

Final definition:

Stability is the the ability to remain stable regardless of what is going on


Does my definition represent what this word stands for?
Yes

Is my definition free of polarities?
Yes

Can I stand by this definition into infinity?
Yes

Day 37- Redefining and Living Spontaneous

Within looking up the definition of spontaneous, a key aspect of some definitions includes a sense of it being indigenous or natural, coming from within without being acted on by any other force.

Within my life, I had grown so separated from myself within my experience of the word spontaneous that I had actually grown to fear being spontaneous or at least judge myself for not being spontaneous enough and therein posing a challenge to myself to attain/be more spontaneous. Within this attaching desire to the achievement / status 'spontaneous', I had separated myself completely from the word, experience all sorts of negative energy when I received this word, where I would go into this sort of anxiety experience where I'd get all agitated about wanting to achieve spontaneity, appear 'cool' and 'loose' to others, immediately judging myself and comparing myself to others based upon my perceived level of being spontaneous.

This is why it is interesting to me that many of the definitions that come with spontaneous come with some sense of being indigenous. See, I had become so twisted and messed up around this word that I'd created enviable people within my mind who'd I projected positive attainment of spontaneity upon, who were just more spunky or open/extroverted than me. This would feed my positive energetic charge in me, as I watched actors or musicians achieve a sublime level of spontaneity, in my belief and thought, and I would just sit there and watch them and get all positive feelings from seeing them achieve spontaneity.

I likened charisma, or spontaneity, with being an acquirable skill or natural talent that I just did not have. I admired it in others. Part of me thought there was some of it in me, but the barriers I created within my Mind were just too severe to allow myself such access to Freedom.

 However, when you realize the nature of Self-Expression as originating in just that: the Self, it becomes obvious that acting in accordance with what you feel/desire within the moment is not some special skill of manipulation or trick of the eye, it's a real, naturally-occuring, God-given expression welling up from inside of you. When you cry, you are overcome with emotion yet it feels healthy, like a release when you finally let go. That is spontaneous. Crying may be embarrassing at the time, but it feels natural.

What's scary is realizing how much you are somewhere else when you aren't being spontaneous. Where are all those hours of a day where you aren't doing what is natural or feels good/right in the moment? I mean, surely we must be here in some sense, but certainly it's frightening to think about those moments wasted when we are off in fantasies of the mind flirting with images, feelings, ideas, thoughts, etc. instead of expressing ourselves, real Here, within the moment.