Day 69- Do You Have ANXIETY?

Did that title make you anxious?

Today I had a silly experience with anxiety. I was trimming my nails and something I do quite often is trim them too short. Well, I was about to clip a toenail and a thought came up, "You should be careful not to trim that too short." Another: "You should use the smaller fingernail clipper so you don't cut it too short." I stopped the thoughts, and continued to trim the nail, making sure I didn't cut it too short. But, afterwards, I had lingering anxiety about the situation- "what if I had cut the toenail too short?". There was no pain, but even if I had cut it too short, there was nothing I could do about it at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I am anxious

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being anxious.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be not anxious

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that I am anxious about something that ‘could have happened’- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the thing didn’t happen, and even if it did, there is nothing I can do about it at this time

When and as I see myself become anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that being anxious is an emotional reaction about something that either didn’t happen, happened but I cannot do anything about it, or happened and I am suppressing the solution of the problem within me and therefore must take ACTION to fix. I am not anxiety. I can act to create solutions.

When and as I see myself reacting within anger at my being anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that reacting to my anxiousness is an indication I am in my mind.

When and as I see myself fear my anxiousness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that anxiousness is not real; it is of and in my mind, and I can stop it within a breath. 

When and as I see myself desire to not be anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that stopping anxiousness requires breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself within a moment. 

I commit myself to stop anxiety through breathing.

I commit myself to realize that anxiety is not a solution, but to investigate whether the problem actually exists (lol), and if it does, if there is anything I can practically do about it. Otherwise, I commit myself to STOP anxiety in a single moment of breath.

I commit myself to not become angry when I am experiencing anxiousness, but to stop, breathe, and ground myself in my physical reality, to stop the mind and remain here in awareness.

I commit myself to not fear anxiety.

I commit myself to not desire to not be anxious

I commit myself to investigate and stop all forms of anxiety in this world.

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Day 58- Hurry Up!

So a trigger point is when someone isn’t moving quickly enough for me. This stresses me out.

 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, because of believing I am better than that person and because I am afraid of becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by the person.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am better than the other person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that believing I am better than the other person implies I am in the mind, not here in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use believing I am better than the other person in my mind to justify becoming stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, instead of slowing down to be here, in physical reality, by breathing and coming back into my physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person implies that I have been living out this fear reaction for a long time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished by another person if I allow them to affect me -instead of directing myself within common sense in every moment of breath

Day 57- Part 2- Two Dimensions of Spite

Self-Allocation Point

Spite is a pretty extensive point for me within my life. What came up immediately was my relationship with my mother, which, when communication was replaced by manipulation, transferred into a dynamic of: spite. She didn't trust me, so she would act towards me in ways that didn't consider what was best for me. In return, I responded to her unreasonable requests and expectations (power over me) spitefully. I was trying to hold onto whatever sense of independence I could, especially when I knew that what she was telling me to do / making me do wasn't what was best for me. So, I learned to manipulate her to get her to believe a certain image of me, so that I could then act in the way I wanted to.

Dictionary Definition 

noun 

1. : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart

2. : an instance of spite

in spite of

: in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by succeeded in spite of their opposition

verb

1. a: annoy, offend

    b: to fill with spite

2. to treat maliciously (as by shaming or thwarting)

  

 

Sounding of the Word

spit- To spew toxins outwardly

Creative Writing

I see spite as a very extreme manifestation in this world. When I was exploring my self-allocation point of the word, I initially saw it as a manifested behavior pattern that was more neutral in terms of the external affect it had on my world. More "in spite of". But, I see within the dictionary definition that there is also the definition of "to be spiteful towards." Which is a darker dimension as it implies wanting to treat someone maliciously, which is going beyond simply doing something despite their preference, simply because you want to do it, and venturing into the territory of deliberate abuse.

So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.

The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.

However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.

Due to a wrist injury, I will continue this redefinition process in a later blog.

Day 54- Self-abuse through substance addiction

Having a look at my patterns of substance intake, I see that I have extensively abused my body through ingesting this substance or that. While, at this point, I no longer lean on the hard drugs I used to participate with and within, there are a number of timeloops involving substance use within which I continue to participate.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ingest substances simply for the energetic high I experience while under the influence of drugs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a point of no return where I take the substance into my human physical body and then immediately manifest the experience of regret because ‘now my day will be conditioned upon and by this substance’ and I believe I have limited myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can limit myself with substance intake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the experience of regret within and as myself in relation to substance intake, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I don’t even begin to understand how such substances physically work in my body, but in-take them anyway




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Day 53- Lack of a Support Network

I was doing some reading on male depression, and it mentioned how it was important for men to have a support network to deal with their depression. Some people to bounce your thoughts off of, to talk about what you are going through, and to perhaps gain additional perspectives or insights one had not previously considered. Taking a look at my life, I realize and understand that I don't have a support network, like, at all. Why would this be so?

What it comes down to is: I have not created a support network in my life. Despite having 'Met' countless people, my intention or direction within meeting these people has always been obfuscated by self-interest (read: limitation) in one form or another.

If it was the people I 'Met' because I wanted a job offer from them, I was only considering my survival. Perhaps I used manipulation to charm them into thinking I was a good candidate for the job. Since I was not Directive within Self-Honesty in my approach to our interaction = the relationship didn't end up being supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach potential employers/managers from the perspective of manipulating them to create an image within their minds of me as employable, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding the importance of Expressing myself Here, in the moment, in Each and Every interaction in Self-Trust and Self-Honesty, regardless of my desire, driven by fear, of acquiring money from a job, wherein I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the outcome of a manipulated relationship is going to be tainted in such a way as to create Consequences which will prevent such a relationship from being Supportive of Me.

Day 50- Self-Forgiveness for Anger for Smoking a Cigarette

Today I had a pretty good day. I called the hotel to complain about the employee who, as it turns out, did mistreat me. It didn’t change much, but I feel better about the situation now, lol. Also, I booked a massage and was treated by a highly skilled practioner who was able to assist me in feeling a LOT better. It was funny, because I was pretty sure he was gay, but then he started talking about his girlfriend, which might have been a cover, but just goes to show you can never judge a book by it’s cover.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself for smoking a cigarette, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it was a matter of really needing my fix, lol, because I simply was unable to purchase the vape pen at the store

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am going back into depression because I smoked a cigarette

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going into depression

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that fearing going into depression implies that I have forgotten the simple fact that I have lived with depression for years and years and years and so I have in fact already lived depression = definitely something to look out for, but not something to fear

When and as I see myself go into the emotional reaction of anger towards smoking a cigarette, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that at this point I have created a chemical dependency towards nicotine, and if something happens where I cannot get a replacement for my nicotine, one cigarette isn’t going to kill me.

I commit myself to purchase a vape pen

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Day 49- How Spite Consumes Me

Today I had a reoccurring thought regarding an interaction I had with an employee of a hotel. I experienced myself as being wronged by this individual and have since kept having thoughts about calling the hotel to complain about this individual since I was not able to direct the situation initially in a way I would have preferred.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I should call and complain about this individual

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that thinking I should call and complain about this individual implies I am having an emotional reaction to our interaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within the emotion of feeling wronged by this individual

When and as I see myself go into the emotional reaction of feeling wronged, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this emotional reaction implies that I am already running within a mind program and must first find my self-responsibility within the situation before I can direct myself effectively once again.

I commit myself to first investigate the initial thought which triggered the behavior pattern, in this case spite, which caused the problematic situation in the first place, before accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional reaction of feeling spited and being constantly bombarded with the thought of retaliating against the other person, sapping my time and energy within my day thinking and emoting about a situation that happened now three days ago.

Day 48- Angry at Myself

Last night, I was having such a good day and then a single moment seemed to derail the entire thing. I was driving along in my truck and was trying to figure out where I was going to stay for the night now that I am here in Arizona. Instead of pulling over, I allowed the sneaking thought in: what if I just search hotels quickly and started searching for hotels on my phone while driving. Of course, I veered out of the lane and while nobody was hurt, it could have been a dangerous situation. I then spent the rest of the night angry at myself for allowing a single moment of carelessness to ruin a whole day and potentially my whole life moving forward from that point.



 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for looking up hotels on my phone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret looking up hotels on my phone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energetic possession after becoming angry with myself for looking up hotels on my phone while driving, where I was agitated and regretted my decision and couldn’t think or act clearly all night

I forgive myself that I then accepted and allowed myself to not handle the situation at the hotel well, because I was so agitated and disoriented and confused from being angry and disappointed and regretful from my decision earlier to use my phone whilst driving, that I was not stable and able to effectively direct the situation within the hotel to my satisfaction, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into further frustration and regret and energetic possession after my encounter with the deskperson at the hotel, where I sped up while driving away instead of going back and having a discussion with the person, simply allowing myself to go into a giving up reaction towards the situation within allowing the thought “I’m too tired to deal with this”. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe “I’m not good enough” to get myself established at the nice hotel. 



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Day 47- The New Normal, Just Like the Old Normal

What with the COVID-19 crisis and the "new normal" we are experiencing on a worldwide scale, I, myself, am experiencing a shift in my personal process that I thought would benefit from a share. So, I am opening a new thread to start writing, here, as I am. Thanks for reading.

Currently, I am in a difficult situation, although that is relative considering the horrors some in this world currently face. However, I am in my own personally difficult situation, and that is what is relevant to me, it's what I have to work with, and it's what I can actually DO something about, so it's not to belittle my own situation despite the fact that I am not immediately faced with dying for lack of water or something like that.

Before this COVID-19 crisis, I had already faced a number of changes in my life. I was suspended from my position at work, I moved out of the place I was renting, and I acquired and then promptly disacquired a partner (lol). This, all in probably the space of a month. It's like a part of me anticipated the coming global transformational change and started creating this crisis or that to train myself for what was to come.

However, I was prepared for chaos, uncertainty, instability, whatever you want to call the current state of this world today since a long time ago. Growing up, someone close to me was prone to EXTREME bouts of anger. There was no telling what would set them off, so basically I developed a coping mechanism of manipulation, realizing it was more important to get this person to think/believe something was true whether or not that was actually the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use manipulation to convince someone something is true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not developed the skill of practical application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is more important for someone to think/believe/feel a certain way than it is to directly communicate with the being to come up with a practical solution

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that constantly manipulating others to create the illusion within their minds that things are a certain, specific way compounds consequence when things aren't actually done effectively in reality

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Day 44- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

Understand: these are general Self-Forgiveness Statements, not necessarily directly related with my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation
I forgive myeslf that I've not allowed myself to not realize that living in separation implies that I have been living in Energy as the Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Live in Energy in the Mind
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in the Mind as Energy despite not understanding the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not devote myself to knowing my Own Mind so Meticulously, that there is Absolutely No Point which can be manipulated by humankind to supposedly Demon-strate my weakness and therefore un-Righteousness, but instead Living a Commitment to Be my best Self to be the best Self I Can Be for ALL.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate an excuse within me, give it Energy, and thus Life, without considering the Abusive Effect this have on Life.

I forgive myself that I've Accepted and Allowed myself to have an Abusive relationship with Life.

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Day 36- Redefining and Living Illness (Part 2)

In a previous post I set about redefining the word Illness. Within the redefinition process, I realized that I did not actually want to live the word Illness, even in it's redefined sense.

A cool realization opened up within this in that: who I am is not actually Illness. Despite whatever definition I myself or others have given me, I am not Illness. Thus, while the redefinition process assisted me in understanding better how I have been affected by and even attempted to live this word, ultimately, who I am is not living the word Illness and, at this point, I have no desire to live this word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to live the word illness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live the word illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I am illness implies that I have accepted definitions from my external reality and tried to make them who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition of illness from my external reality and attempt to make myself the definition of illness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that attempting to make myself the definition of illness implies that, in place of a solid foundation of understanding words and understanding how to live ones that align with my best possible self, I chose self-limitation as illness to try to make my reality take care of me, reproducing the dependency I learned at a young age at I time when I believe I was OK.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that reproducing this pattern of illness and thus dependency implies that I have not become I-ndependent.

When and as I see myself go into a pattern of self-limitation manifested as illness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that choosing illness as self-limitation does not serve the best possible version of me.

I commit myself to choose health and self-care as the foundation of the best possible version of myself in this lifetime.