Day 64- In a Relationship with a Narcissist? Don't Be Like I Was

You know how they say you should go no contact if you realize you have a narcissist in your life? Well, I am a shining example of a reason why. Instead of reaching out to friends or other family members when I was in need, I went crawling back to the narcissist. It was a ‘comfortable’ relationship, which basically meant it was one of those relationships that society ‘tells’ you is sacrosanct. For me, that meant I didn’t have to deal with my issues as long as I could keep going back to this relationship. What I didn’t realize was that merely participating in this relationship WAS one of my issues. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a relationship with a narcissist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that participating in a relationship with a narcissist implies I lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that lacking self-respect implies I have never created self-respect within and as who I am as a living word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone else should give me self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that believing someone else should give me self-respect implies that I am not the director of myself

When and as I see myself wanting to participate in a relationship with this narcissist, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there will be no closure when participating in a relationship with a narcissist and therefore there is no way this relationship can be best for all or best for me in any way.

When and as I see myself not direct myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that lacking self-direction implies I am waiting for someone or something to direct me, such as a substance to which I am addicted or an authority figure or fear or needing money and so I deny myself the gift of creating myself whenever I give my authority over to someone or something outside of me to direct me, but that there can be no closure within that relationship because I am not a narcissist and therefore I must take responsibility for who I am in every moment.

I commit myself to take responsibility for who I am in every moment

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Day 57- Part 2- Two Dimensions of Spite

Self-Allocation Point

Spite is a pretty extensive point for me within my life. What came up immediately was my relationship with my mother, which, when communication was replaced by manipulation, transferred into a dynamic of: spite. She didn't trust me, so she would act towards me in ways that didn't consider what was best for me. In return, I responded to her unreasonable requests and expectations (power over me) spitefully. I was trying to hold onto whatever sense of independence I could, especially when I knew that what she was telling me to do / making me do wasn't what was best for me. So, I learned to manipulate her to get her to believe a certain image of me, so that I could then act in the way I wanted to.

Dictionary Definition 

noun 

1. : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart

2. : an instance of spite

in spite of

: in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by succeeded in spite of their opposition

verb

1. a: annoy, offend

    b: to fill with spite

2. to treat maliciously (as by shaming or thwarting)

  

 

Sounding of the Word

spit- To spew toxins outwardly

Creative Writing

I see spite as a very extreme manifestation in this world. When I was exploring my self-allocation point of the word, I initially saw it as a manifested behavior pattern that was more neutral in terms of the external affect it had on my world. More "in spite of". But, I see within the dictionary definition that there is also the definition of "to be spiteful towards." Which is a darker dimension as it implies wanting to treat someone maliciously, which is going beyond simply doing something despite their preference, simply because you want to do it, and venturing into the territory of deliberate abuse.

So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.

The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.

However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.

Due to a wrist injury, I will continue this redefinition process in a later blog.

Day 55- Internal Strength

I remember when I was younger overhearing the mother of a friend talk about how enrolling her son in wrestling was one of the best decisions she made for him because it taught him about inner strength and I had an extensive reaction. This happened in my parents’ home during a party they threw for friends and family every year and I was sure that she was conveying this story specifically because I was within earshot and would thus hear what she was saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe C was comparing her son to me and implying that her son had inner strength while I lack inner strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then experience internal words about how I was smarter than her son

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care what C thinks about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as lacking internal strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for my belief that I lack internal strength

When and as I see myself go into the belief that I lack internal strength, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this belief is actually making me less strong internally.

I commit myself to make practical steps to strengthen myself internally, both on a physical and a beingness level, for me, and not so that I can go and prove to C or anyone else that: see, I am, in fact, internally strong, because developing and nurturing and strengthening my internal strength is best for me

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Day 47- The New Normal, Just Like the Old Normal

What with the COVID-19 crisis and the "new normal" we are experiencing on a worldwide scale, I, myself, am experiencing a shift in my personal process that I thought would benefit from a share. So, I am opening a new thread to start writing, here, as I am. Thanks for reading.

Currently, I am in a difficult situation, although that is relative considering the horrors some in this world currently face. However, I am in my own personally difficult situation, and that is what is relevant to me, it's what I have to work with, and it's what I can actually DO something about, so it's not to belittle my own situation despite the fact that I am not immediately faced with dying for lack of water or something like that.

Before this COVID-19 crisis, I had already faced a number of changes in my life. I was suspended from my position at work, I moved out of the place I was renting, and I acquired and then promptly disacquired a partner (lol). This, all in probably the space of a month. It's like a part of me anticipated the coming global transformational change and started creating this crisis or that to train myself for what was to come.

However, I was prepared for chaos, uncertainty, instability, whatever you want to call the current state of this world today since a long time ago. Growing up, someone close to me was prone to EXTREME bouts of anger. There was no telling what would set them off, so basically I developed a coping mechanism of manipulation, realizing it was more important to get this person to think/believe something was true whether or not that was actually the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use manipulation to convince someone something is true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not developed the skill of practical application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is more important for someone to think/believe/feel a certain way than it is to directly communicate with the being to come up with a practical solution

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that constantly manipulating others to create the illusion within their minds that things are a certain, specific way compounds consequence when things aren't actually done effectively in reality

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