Day 69- Do You Have ANXIETY?

Did that title make you anxious?

Today I had a silly experience with anxiety. I was trimming my nails and something I do quite often is trim them too short. Well, I was about to clip a toenail and a thought came up, "You should be careful not to trim that too short." Another: "You should use the smaller fingernail clipper so you don't cut it too short." I stopped the thoughts, and continued to trim the nail, making sure I didn't cut it too short. But, afterwards, I had lingering anxiety about the situation- "what if I had cut the toenail too short?". There was no pain, but even if I had cut it too short, there was nothing I could do about it at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I am anxious

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being anxious.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be not anxious

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that I am anxious about something that ‘could have happened’- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the thing didn’t happen, and even if it did, there is nothing I can do about it at this time

When and as I see myself become anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that being anxious is an emotional reaction about something that either didn’t happen, happened but I cannot do anything about it, or happened and I am suppressing the solution of the problem within me and therefore must take ACTION to fix. I am not anxiety. I can act to create solutions.

When and as I see myself reacting within anger at my being anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that reacting to my anxiousness is an indication I am in my mind.

When and as I see myself fear my anxiousness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that anxiousness is not real; it is of and in my mind, and I can stop it within a breath. 

When and as I see myself desire to not be anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that stopping anxiousness requires breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself within a moment. 

I commit myself to stop anxiety through breathing.

I commit myself to realize that anxiety is not a solution, but to investigate whether the problem actually exists (lol), and if it does, if there is anything I can practically do about it. Otherwise, I commit myself to STOP anxiety in a single moment of breath.

I commit myself to not become angry when I am experiencing anxiousness, but to stop, breathe, and ground myself in my physical reality, to stop the mind and remain here in awareness.

I commit myself to not fear anxiety.

I commit myself to not desire to not be anxious

I commit myself to investigate and stop all forms of anxiety in this world.

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Day 63- Fearing Living Words

How did I get to the point where I am afraid of myself? Why are you afraid of yourself? Ego. I am enthralled with the idea of bringing something unknown into this world but I would rather experience the energy of being that person than actually express myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to experiencing myself as important- instead of being inspired by ‘being important’ to actually act to bring something unknown into this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being addicted to the energy of being important mirrors my own addictions to substances in and of this world, which I use as a ‘backdoor’ to keep me cycling in cycles of being of this world as I engage in/with substances, and holding me back from being ‘in’ this world but not ‘of’ this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear missing an opportunity to express myself in such a way as to bring something unknown into this world, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown because I fear making a mistake and because I fear death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a mistake

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing making a mistake implies I haven’t acted on the goal I haven’t even set for myself which is to bring something unknown into this world



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not differentiate between mind constructs, nothingness, and living words wherein I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define mind constructs as negative and nothingness as positive and not allowed myself to live words because I have defined living words as ‘something’ and thus gave myself no space/time to explore living words because I was caught in the duality of “either you are in the Mind” or: “you are creating Nothingness”. 


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Day 62- Fearing Sleeping

Today there was a moment where I could see that what I was on my way to do wasn't what was best for me, but I continued on to do the thing I had set out to do anyway. I can see that the original thought to do the thing was tied to a habitual behavioral pattern that is not best for all, but I interpreted the self-honesty to stop/change what I was doing as "intrusive".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the budding expression of self-honesty as intrusive because it apparently contradicted my previous thought that I wanted to do the thing I was on my way doing.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not realize that experiencing the self-honesty impulse to STOP is actually my self-expression trying to "poke through" whereas the original thought to do the thing was a) aligned with a habit that is b) not best for all and my suppression of STOPPING in that moment was actually me as the mind wanting to "cling" to my unconscious behavioral pattern of taking caffeine at night when it will affect my sleep and through off my rhythm making it difficult to participate normally during the day.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this thought is an extension of my mind and not what is best for all/self in a moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that the thought "it's too early to sleep, I should go get a diet Coke" is not as innocent as it seems- as it happened in the evening and has had repercussions lasting into the early morning in terms of me not being able to sleep. The seemingly INNOCENT enjoyment of a coke that late in my day/evening has consequences lasting for the 12 hour half-life of caffeine. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very thought of not wanting to sleep is = avoiding a negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleeping too early in the night as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that defining sleeping too early in the night as negative implies that I fear waking up too early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up 'too early'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing waking up 'too early' implies that I believe I will have nothing to do if I wake up early in the morning when nothing is apparently going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have nothing to do early in the morning- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding there are plenty of activities I can do early in the morning.

When and as I see myself go into the experience of tiredness and then react to that within 'it is too early/late to sleep', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I must check in with myself during such times and listen to my body- if it needs sleep and I can afford to get some rest, then I can let my body rest.

When and as I see myself react to sleepiness within 'I should get some caffeine, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are certain situations where taking caffeine will/could/might affect my ability to sleep during 'normal sleeping hours' lol, and so I can/should take that into consideration when considering taking caffeine to fend of tiredness.

When and as I see myself fearing sleeping in case I should 'wake up too early', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that 'waking up too early' is/has been defined by me through my mind and, as long as I am getting the proper amount of sleep, there is always something I can do/be doing, regardless of the 'time' I might have to do it.

I commit myself to let my body sleep when/if it needs to sleep

I commit myself to consider the time of day when considering taking caffeine; if it's too late and I don't want to be up late, I commit myself to not partake of caffeine

I commit myself to realign my relationship with activities/tasks to being effective/productive and not define my willingness/appropriateness of doing the task by the time of day.


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Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
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Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 58- Hurry Up!

So a trigger point is when someone isn’t moving quickly enough for me. This stresses me out.

 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, because of believing I am better than that person and because I am afraid of becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by the person.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am better than the other person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that believing I am better than the other person implies I am in the mind, not here in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use believing I am better than the other person in my mind to justify becoming stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, instead of slowing down to be here, in physical reality, by breathing and coming back into my physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person implies that I have been living out this fear reaction for a long time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished by another person if I allow them to affect me -instead of directing myself within common sense in every moment of breath

Day 57- Part 2- Two Dimensions of Spite

Self-Allocation Point

Spite is a pretty extensive point for me within my life. What came up immediately was my relationship with my mother, which, when communication was replaced by manipulation, transferred into a dynamic of: spite. She didn't trust me, so she would act towards me in ways that didn't consider what was best for me. In return, I responded to her unreasonable requests and expectations (power over me) spitefully. I was trying to hold onto whatever sense of independence I could, especially when I knew that what she was telling me to do / making me do wasn't what was best for me. So, I learned to manipulate her to get her to believe a certain image of me, so that I could then act in the way I wanted to.

Dictionary Definition 

noun 

1. : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart

2. : an instance of spite

in spite of

: in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by succeeded in spite of their opposition

verb

1. a: annoy, offend

    b: to fill with spite

2. to treat maliciously (as by shaming or thwarting)

  

 

Sounding of the Word

spit- To spew toxins outwardly

Creative Writing

I see spite as a very extreme manifestation in this world. When I was exploring my self-allocation point of the word, I initially saw it as a manifested behavior pattern that was more neutral in terms of the external affect it had on my world. More "in spite of". But, I see within the dictionary definition that there is also the definition of "to be spiteful towards." Which is a darker dimension as it implies wanting to treat someone maliciously, which is going beyond simply doing something despite their preference, simply because you want to do it, and venturing into the territory of deliberate abuse.

So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.

The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.

However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.

Due to a wrist injury, I will continue this redefinition process in a later blog.

Day 47- The New Normal, Just Like the Old Normal

What with the COVID-19 crisis and the "new normal" we are experiencing on a worldwide scale, I, myself, am experiencing a shift in my personal process that I thought would benefit from a share. So, I am opening a new thread to start writing, here, as I am. Thanks for reading.

Currently, I am in a difficult situation, although that is relative considering the horrors some in this world currently face. However, I am in my own personally difficult situation, and that is what is relevant to me, it's what I have to work with, and it's what I can actually DO something about, so it's not to belittle my own situation despite the fact that I am not immediately faced with dying for lack of water or something like that.

Before this COVID-19 crisis, I had already faced a number of changes in my life. I was suspended from my position at work, I moved out of the place I was renting, and I acquired and then promptly disacquired a partner (lol). This, all in probably the space of a month. It's like a part of me anticipated the coming global transformational change and started creating this crisis or that to train myself for what was to come.

However, I was prepared for chaos, uncertainty, instability, whatever you want to call the current state of this world today since a long time ago. Growing up, someone close to me was prone to EXTREME bouts of anger. There was no telling what would set them off, so basically I developed a coping mechanism of manipulation, realizing it was more important to get this person to think/believe something was true whether or not that was actually the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use manipulation to convince someone something is true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not developed the skill of practical application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is more important for someone to think/believe/feel a certain way than it is to directly communicate with the being to come up with a practical solution

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that constantly manipulating others to create the illusion within their minds that things are a certain, specific way compounds consequence when things aren't actually done effectively in reality

Desteni.org

Day 45- Self-Forgiveness on Racism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear racism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate racism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for being racist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that experiencing racism in others implies that I have racism inside me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have racism inside me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that having racism inside me implies that I have been preprogrammed to have racism inside me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that having racism inside me implies that I am racist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be racist

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Day 44- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

Understand: these are general Self-Forgiveness Statements, not necessarily directly related with my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation
I forgive myeslf that I've not allowed myself to not realize that living in separation implies that I have been living in Energy as the Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Live in Energy in the Mind
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in the Mind as Energy despite not understanding the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not devote myself to knowing my Own Mind so Meticulously, that there is Absolutely No Point which can be manipulated by humankind to supposedly Demon-strate my weakness and therefore un-Righteousness, but instead Living a Commitment to Be my best Self to be the best Self I Can Be for ALL.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate an excuse within me, give it Energy, and thus Life, without considering the Abusive Effect this have on Life.

I forgive myself that I've Accepted and Allowed myself to have an Abusive relationship with Life.

For support:
Desteni.org
EQAFE
Desteni 'I' Process
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Day 26- When you’re single-handedly stopping the forward progress of the physical process in your mind

Have you ever believed within your mind, within yourself, that you were somehow responsible for holding the world back? Yes, getting to learn about the mind and yourself can be overwhelming; it brings up all sorts of negative stuff inside of you that you may feel ashamed or guilty about. That’s normal.

However, at least for myself, I noticed a tendency to then go into this experience that I had so much power within my mind that I was able to, simply through thinking, project out into the universe something which was capable of stopping all forward progress towards/as what’s best for all. That somehow my fallibility is so monumental it could hurt the whole world. But let’s look at that idea: is it even true?

Within the moment it may seem like that idea is actually playing out in reality. Your mind may create 3-dimensional imagery that suggests you are doing that to world. The important thing is to stop, remember to use breathing, forgive yourself for the thought, and then continue on. You will soon realize that the idea occupying you and your mind was just that: an ephemeral thought that wasn’t actually interfering with the fate of the entire world.

That’s why it’s important to practice self-forgiveness. The more you are familiar with self-forgiveness, even in writing, the easier it will be to stop oneself in such moments. That’s why I suggest check out lite.desteniiprocess.com where you will get an online buddy who’s gone through the process themselves to walk with you as you learn about the different thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories that can occupy our minds and how to apply structured writing of self-forgiveness to recognize and thus take responsibility for these things. Sign-up for DIP Lite today or visit The forum if you have any questions!

Links for investigation:
EQAFE
Desteni
Desteni 'I' Process
DIP Lite (FREE)
Desteni forum
Living Income Guaranteed
Marlen Vargas Del Razo 

Day 24- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL (Part 3) - Self-Forgiveness

In the previous post I was walking a process of exploring where I stand in relation to the word SEX using the tools explained here: https://juneroca.com/words/redefining-words/

Within this post I shall be applying self-forgiveness on what I came up with in the 'Creative Writing' section of the previous post, pasted here for reference.

Creative stage

s- quiet
ex- past lover
Sex - An experience where I quiet past lovers.
An experience where I try to suppress memories of past sex acts.
The negative emotions of past sexual acts.
Creating negative consequences for myself through a natural expression of my body
Feeling like I have to use sex to create a certain experience for myself in which I must avoid negative experiences.
My sexual definition.
An experience where pleasing she in her environment is a burden
An experience that cannot be had unless I have money because a woman doesn’t want to have sex with someone without money
Something women want to engage in from an energetic form while I want to engage in it from a physical expression standpoint and thus a point of conflict in my world. 

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat sex as an experience where I try to quiet memories of past sexual experiences. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created a negative energetic charge around memories related to past experiences of sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the behavioral pattern of suppression of sex as a way of trying to avoid those negative emotional charges related to sex I've had in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating negative consequences for myself through sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that fearing negative consequences for myself through sex implies I have defined sex negatively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex negatively as it relates to those negative emotional charges related to memories I have stored as negative experiences within my mind.
I forgive myself for then allowing and accepting myself to seek to use 'sex' to avoid negative experiences by placing it within a paradigm of perfection where the only way I allow myself to have sex is if the circumstances are absolutely perfect, and in doing so avoiding sex entirely as these circumstances never materialize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe sex can exist within perfect circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe sex is a burden that requires pleasing another without achieving satisfaction for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex without having money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex with a woman who has not applied self-forgiveness for approaching sex from an energetic self-indulgence point of view.

Day 4- Paranoia in relation to Communication

I have had the experience of paranoia in relation to speaking to someone in my reality. This is related to me needing to do something I don’t want to do if I speak to this person, hidden as an unexpected experience that would come up after the conversation was initiated. Thus, I have avoided speaking to this person within the hope that I can avoid such a scary, unknown situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown ‘hidden’ in new situations.

When and as I see myself fear the unknown within new situations, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that every  new situation contains within it unknowns and these are opportunities for growth and change. I commit myself to engage in new situations despite the possibility for unknown and uncomfortable situations that I have defined within my mind as ‘bad’.

Supportive links:
https://eqafe.com/p/doubt-self-investigation-atlanteans-part-382
https://eqafe.com/p/living-in-imagination-reptilians-part-204
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-395-paranoia-home-of-human-reason.html
https://eqafe.com/p/the-quantum-mechanics-of-paranormal-events-part-5
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-400-paranoia-of-intent.html