Day 72- Stopping the People-Pleaser Character

The other day as I was preparing to go over to an acquaintance's house, something arose within me that told me unequivocally to "STOP! Don't go!" I could see this self-honest urge arise within me and yet, I allowed myself to go into backchat regarding going over to the person's house and suppressed the urge to offer an excuse as to why I couldn't go, even though I really needed the quiet night to rest.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not listen to my inner voice when going over to X’s, that told me to not go, because I wanted to please X by showing up, and not create conflict by telling them I wasn’t going to show up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that, within that moment, I lost myself because I wanted to “be something for someone else”, instead of listening to my self-honest inner voice which told me not to go.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into immediate backchat when I self-honestly realized I should not go over to X&Y’s, that “I had already said I was going and in fact had driven all the way over to their house” and “this self-honest moment is infringing upon my stated plans”, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I had left my own sphere/lane/self and went into “what was expected of me”, and that THAT thought was the infringement, because being self-honest is always best for all/me, and compromising that for a singular thought is compromising ALL of me and ALL of self, to appease a single thought with some energetic charge that’s sole purpose is to seduce me. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there was a positive energetic charge in “doing what was expected”/“not making conflict”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the positive energetic charge of pleasing another/others, without seeing, realizing, and understanding the nature of polarity inasmuch as this positive energetic charge was underpinned by the negative energetic charge of “disappointing others”. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disappointing others as a learned behavior from my childhood where disobeying the authority figures in my life implied consequences being imposed upon me, so that I learned to disobey my self-honesty and compromise self for the sake of pleasing another. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disobey my self-honesty for the purpose of pleasing another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen to me if I do not compromise myself to please another.

In the case of going over to X&Y’s, I actually needed the rest and to not engage in socializing, but I compromise that and thus my own health simply to avoid conflict/please another.

Self-corrective statements

When and as I see myself think “I should do this thing because it will please another”, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that it is necessary to primarily look within and cross-reference with my own self-honesty if it is something that I don’t really want to do or if it isn’t what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself compromise my self-honesty to please another/avoid conflict, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that self-honesty is telling me what is best for self and that the backchat is attempting to lure me back into the energy of my subconscious as a personality construct, where I am playing the role of the people pleaser without considering my own needs/wants of, for example, needing rest for my physical body and self in my relationship with my mind and body. 



When and as I see myself fear creating conflict by standing up as/for self, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear is simply a negative energetic charge of/as my People Pleaser personality that tricks me into gravitating towards the positive energetic charge of pleasing others without considering what is best for all life, always.



When and as I see myself drawn to the positive energetic charge of pleasing others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the positive energetic charge I get from apparently pleasing others is a momentary experience, and that when it passes, I am left with the rotten feeling of having compromised myself, not only in what I needed/wanted to do separate from the “people pleasing” behavior that I have now denied myself, but also in the simple fact that I mined my body for energy to experience that temporary energetic experience of “being a good friend” or “doing what I said I was going to do” within pleasing another, which has further consequences on my physical human body.



Self-commitments

I commit myself to flag for myself when I go into the mind as energy, beginning with a single thought as backchat, and to immediately breathe and stop the energetic experience. 



I commit myself to, when and as I see myself engaging with the positive energy of the People Pleasing character, to stop and breathe. 

I commit myself to check in with myself and ask myself if what I am getting ready to do is actually what is best for me in self-honesty and then, 



I commit myself to do only what is best for all within the understanding and realization that this includes what is best for self

Day 36- Redefining and Living Illness (Part 2)

In a previous post I set about redefining the word Illness. Within the redefinition process, I realized that I did not actually want to live the word Illness, even in it's redefined sense.

A cool realization opened up within this in that: who I am is not actually Illness. Despite whatever definition I myself or others have given me, I am not Illness. Thus, while the redefinition process assisted me in understanding better how I have been affected by and even attempted to live this word, ultimately, who I am is not living the word Illness and, at this point, I have no desire to live this word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to live the word illness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live the word illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I am illness implies that I have accepted definitions from my external reality and tried to make them who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition of illness from my external reality and attempt to make myself the definition of illness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that attempting to make myself the definition of illness implies that, in place of a solid foundation of understanding words and understanding how to live ones that align with my best possible self, I chose self-limitation as illness to try to make my reality take care of me, reproducing the dependency I learned at a young age at I time when I believe I was OK.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that reproducing this pattern of illness and thus dependency implies that I have not become I-ndependent.

When and as I see myself go into a pattern of self-limitation manifested as illness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that choosing illness as self-limitation does not serve the best possible version of me.

I commit myself to choose health and self-care as the foundation of the best possible version of myself in this lifetime.