Within looking up the definition of spontaneous, a key aspect of some definitions includes a sense of it being indigenous or natural, coming from within without being acted on by any other force.
Within my life, I had grown so separated from myself within my experience of the word spontaneous that I had actually grown to fear being spontaneous or at least judge myself for not being spontaneous enough and therein posing a challenge to myself to attain/be more spontaneous. Within this attaching desire to the achievement / status 'spontaneous', I had separated myself completely from the word, experience all sorts of negative energy when I received this word, where I would go into this sort of anxiety experience where I'd get all agitated about wanting to achieve spontaneity, appear 'cool' and 'loose' to others, immediately judging myself and comparing myself to others based upon my perceived level of being spontaneous.
This is why it is interesting to me that many of the definitions that come with spontaneous come with some sense of being indigenous. See, I had become so twisted and messed up around this word that I'd created enviable people within my mind who'd I projected positive attainment of spontaneity upon, who were just more spunky or open/extroverted than me. This would feed my positive energetic charge in me, as I watched actors or musicians achieve a sublime level of spontaneity, in my belief and thought, and I would just sit there and watch them and get all positive feelings from seeing them achieve spontaneity.
I likened charisma, or spontaneity, with being an acquirable skill or natural talent that I just did not have. I admired it in others. Part of me thought there was some of it in me, but the barriers I created within my Mind were just too severe to allow myself such access to Freedom.
However, when you realize the nature of Self-Expression as originating in just that: the Self, it becomes obvious that acting in accordance with what you feel/desire within the moment is not some special skill of manipulation or trick of the eye, it's a real, naturally-occuring, God-given expression welling up from inside of you. When you cry, you are overcome with emotion yet it feels healthy, like a release when you finally let go. That is spontaneous. Crying may be embarrassing at the time, but it feels natural.
What's scary is realizing how much you are somewhere else when you aren't being spontaneous. Where are all those hours of a day where you aren't doing what is natural or feels good/right in the moment? I mean, surely we must be here in some sense, but certainly it's frightening to think about those moments wasted when we are off in fantasies of the mind flirting with images, feelings, ideas, thoughts, etc. instead of expressing ourselves, real Here, within the moment.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Monday, April 13, 2020
Day 36- Redefining and Living Illness (Part 2)
In a previous post I set about redefining the word Illness. Within the redefinition process, I realized that I did not actually want to live the word Illness, even in it's redefined sense.
A cool realization opened up within this in that: who I am is not actually Illness. Despite whatever definition I myself or others have given me, I am not Illness. Thus, while the redefinition process assisted me in understanding better how I have been affected by and even attempted to live this word, ultimately, who I am is not living the word Illness and, at this point, I have no desire to live this word.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to live the word illness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live the word illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I am illness implies that I have accepted definitions from my external reality and tried to make them who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition of illness from my external reality and attempt to make myself the definition of illness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that attempting to make myself the definition of illness implies that, in place of a solid foundation of understanding words and understanding how to live ones that align with my best possible self, I chose self-limitation as illness to try to make my reality take care of me, reproducing the dependency I learned at a young age at I time when I believe I was OK.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that reproducing this pattern of illness and thus dependency implies that I have not become I-ndependent.
When and as I see myself go into a pattern of self-limitation manifested as illness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that choosing illness as self-limitation does not serve the best possible version of me.
I commit myself to choose health and self-care as the foundation of the best possible version of myself in this lifetime.
A cool realization opened up within this in that: who I am is not actually Illness. Despite whatever definition I myself or others have given me, I am not Illness. Thus, while the redefinition process assisted me in understanding better how I have been affected by and even attempted to live this word, ultimately, who I am is not living the word Illness and, at this point, I have no desire to live this word.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to live the word illness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live the word illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I am illness implies that I have accepted definitions from my external reality and tried to make them who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition of illness from my external reality and attempt to make myself the definition of illness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that attempting to make myself the definition of illness implies that, in place of a solid foundation of understanding words and understanding how to live ones that align with my best possible self, I chose self-limitation as illness to try to make my reality take care of me, reproducing the dependency I learned at a young age at I time when I believe I was OK.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that reproducing this pattern of illness and thus dependency implies that I have not become I-ndependent.
When and as I see myself go into a pattern of self-limitation manifested as illness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that choosing illness as self-limitation does not serve the best possible version of me.
I commit myself to choose health and self-care as the foundation of the best possible version of myself in this lifetime.
Thursday, April 9, 2020
Day 35- Revisiting a Past Relationship
I started typing this out on the forum, but thought I'd share it here to increase exposure of how someone can walk out issues related to a very old memory using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-writing, and breath and change one's life for the better.
Here I want to look at a Memory I have related to a particular individual who I will refer to as A throughout this writing. During my college years, I became very close to A. We spent time together almost every week and it got to the point where I would hang out almost exclusively with him and my roommate. Eventually, I became so close with A that I began to envision myself spending the rest of my life with him. My affection for A wasn’t so much sexual, as I hadn’t had a homosexual encounter before that nor had I seen him express interest in men. I did imagine and fantasize about cuddling or at least holding each other as an extension of our affection for one another, but I left sex as something that could be a potential development in the future, if we both agreed to such a point.
When we moved in together, I was under the assumption that his feelings for me were reciprocated. We had never explicitly discussed this, but I experienced myself as psychically connected to A and believed we were on the same page. However, after we moved into the house together, it eventually became clear to me that he had no intentions of a physical relationship with me (sexual or simply affectionate) and in fact I experienced him distancing himself from me somewhat as compared to our relationship when we both lived on campus.
I didn’t know what to do at this point. I believed that having A be a part of my life into the future was so important, I couldn’t bear to consider the idea that I would be deprived of being the principle relationship in A’s life.
Within all this, I assumed a lot about our relationship and could have avoided years of strife and pain related to this relationship with A if I had communicated any of what I was experiencing towards him with him.
Also, I overextended myself within myself during this relationship because I assumed he would be there for me to support me and had to deal, and am still dealing with, the consequences when that support fell away.
From there, I ended up homeless and alone, partly due to the fact that so much of my world was intertwined with A's, and I simply no longer could deal with running in those circles, especially as I considered A to be a powerful figure within the scene we had been participating within.
Here, I can see that part of my identity was tied up with him and when I realized that it wasn't going to work between us, it was like a part of me was no longer being nourished. Essentially, a part of me had died.
What I didn't realize at the time, was that every part of what I experienced during those years was actually just another part of me. The potential that I believed I could only become if I was in a relationship with A (and I meant that we would be 'primary partners' who were allowed to essentially do what we want, but were emotionally and physically bonded more closely than the peripheral characters in our reality) was actually my own potential that I had mistakenly placed within the idea of A. Perhaps I was naive in becoming as vulnerable as I did, and in doing so I gave some of my power away.
When the relationship ended, it was very difficult for me to stabilize myself and figure out a healthy next move, as that overextension of myself meant that I counted on someone else in my reality to care for parts of myself that I hadn't cared for in the first place.
In a sense, really, there was a part of the relationship I had entered into quite greedily: I saw an opportunity to take too much, or more than I was capable of getting on my own, by using A to extend and expand into areas I hadn't ensured I was personally stable enough / grounded enough to reach should the support of A fall through.
This is why the relationship was so exhilarating: I experienced myself as an übermensch because this person was giving me access to things I should not have had access to and it made me feel special, like I was better than those around me. It's also why I fell so freaking hard after it ended: none of the people I left behind in my self-imagined superiority were particularly keen on helping me out once the music had stopped. I felt abandoned but hadn't realized how I had abandoned everyone when I was flying high. Then, I had to suffer the consequences of crashing hard.
I remember thinking that I had peaked and struggling with figuring out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. What do you do when you know for certain that you will never get an opportunity to fly so high and get so close to being better than so many people, especially when you have invested so heavily of yourself to get to that point? What do you do with the knowledge that you won't ever have it so good, within a system of competition, as you had it, and that if you choose to participate in that system again, everything else will be a compromise?
Well, for me, I fell into a deep depression. All of my motivation in this world simply dissipated. I continued to live in the same house as A for a while, but I stopped having fun hanging out with our old friends, in the old venues we used to frequent. Part of me understood that A was partially responsible for doing me wrong, as I knew he knew I had, albeit unspoken, feelings for him, and did things that allowed me to continue believing there was a future for us. But I couldn't understand why his life seemed to continue to go on so smoothly, as if he wasn't feeling any consequences for the part he had played in my fall, while I experienced myself as totally unsupported by the same group of people. I knew he didn't really care about these people either, we were both addicted to power and manipulation and that's why we used each other to gain the statuses we had, but for some reason he continued to be adored while I was increasingly ignored. I suspect that differences in our socioeconomic backgrounds had something to do with this situation, as people were sub- or unconsciously attracted to him as someone who came from money while I always knew I had to work harder to gain people's adulation coming from a more lower-middle class background.
Eventually, though, I just gave up. Up until that point, all the good things in my life seemed to just come to me. It was the same with my relationship with A: everything about our relationship was so easy: I don't think we ever fought in the two plus years of knowing him and hanging out on a weekly to daily basis. After our relationship fell apart, I was waiting around for the next good thing to come into my life. I didn't think I had done anything wrong and knew he was guilty of manipulating me into believing things that weren't true, so I had the belief that I had a karmic balance coming to me and would receive something equally amazing in my life to make up for what I had perceived myself as lacking in losing A.
So, I waited. And waited. And waited. And still, nothing happened. I continued working my dead end job and even though I eventually moved out of that house with A, nothing good was placed into my life to replace my relationship with A.
Yet, I still had placed my power in A. I believed that it was extremely unlikely for me to achieve anything near what I had fantasized I was capable of achieving within a relationship with A. Nobody had the right combination of a good upbringing, empathy, a rebellious and risk-taking nature, a love for psychedelic adventures, a good sense of humor, and curiosity, I believed. When I saw him eventually pair up with an otherwise remarkable woman, I knew inside of myself that he was compromising. He was hung up about the fact that we were the same gender and didn't want to go through with the relationship because he lacked the courage to deal with the social fallout of being in a same-sex relationship. I knew I was also the most amazing person he had met. And I knew that together, there would never be anything like what we could accomplish together, both for each of us individually and for the world at large. So, I had confusion about why A, who was otherwise unafraid to explore new aspects and styles of self-expression, was hung up on something that I saw as an opportunity to push the boundaries of our culture in being in a visible same-sex relationship.
And yet, he balked out of the relationship. So, I was confused, saddened, and depressed not only for myself, and not only also for him, but for the world. Our peak was also the world's peak and he backed away from it, letting it all fall down. I could not, and still do not, understand why.
But as someone who has come to study the Desteni material and specifically learned about that it means to enter into an Agreement, I am starting to realize the importance of some things in trying to build a new, healthy relationship.
Point one being Communication. While I am able to talk at length about what happened in our relationship and who was responsible for what and how we both felt about each other, all of this was gleaned psychically from A or experienced only within myself. Never, not even once, did we discuss being in a romantic relationship together. I never spoke about it with anyone else until about a year ago. So, while all that potential and the amazing things I experienced while being close with A were real, without being spoken about and agreed upon between the both of us, there was no accountability. A was able to escape the relationship without saying anything and I was left in pain without communicating, and thus receiving feedback and support, to anybody, either A or a friend or family member. The whole thing arose and fell in silence and so it was difficult for me to pin down who was accountable for what within the relationship.
Only now am I realizing what a stable Agreement between two individuals would look like, and only with the tools of Desteni (self-forgiveness, self-writing, self-introspection, breathing, and self-change), have I been able to begin to unravel just what the **** happened in my relationship with A: what was real, what I did wrong, what HE did wrong, and how I can change those things or avoid doing them again when I am ready to enter into an Agreement with another individual.
But I was lost for many years after that relationship and only by walking tools for even more years was I able to put distance between myself and that situation. Other patterns that I had been walking even longer than the things I held onto from my relationship with A have taken even longer to walk out of, so I suggest to check out the FREE online course where you'll learn the nature of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and how to effectively take responsibility for them in a way that demonstrates care for yourself and the planet as soon as possible.
You owe it to yourself to change. And the world needs you now more than ever.
Here I want to look at a Memory I have related to a particular individual who I will refer to as A throughout this writing. During my college years, I became very close to A. We spent time together almost every week and it got to the point where I would hang out almost exclusively with him and my roommate. Eventually, I became so close with A that I began to envision myself spending the rest of my life with him. My affection for A wasn’t so much sexual, as I hadn’t had a homosexual encounter before that nor had I seen him express interest in men. I did imagine and fantasize about cuddling or at least holding each other as an extension of our affection for one another, but I left sex as something that could be a potential development in the future, if we both agreed to such a point.
When we moved in together, I was under the assumption that his feelings for me were reciprocated. We had never explicitly discussed this, but I experienced myself as psychically connected to A and believed we were on the same page. However, after we moved into the house together, it eventually became clear to me that he had no intentions of a physical relationship with me (sexual or simply affectionate) and in fact I experienced him distancing himself from me somewhat as compared to our relationship when we both lived on campus.
I didn’t know what to do at this point. I believed that having A be a part of my life into the future was so important, I couldn’t bear to consider the idea that I would be deprived of being the principle relationship in A’s life.
Within all this, I assumed a lot about our relationship and could have avoided years of strife and pain related to this relationship with A if I had communicated any of what I was experiencing towards him with him.
Also, I overextended myself within myself during this relationship because I assumed he would be there for me to support me and had to deal, and am still dealing with, the consequences when that support fell away.
From there, I ended up homeless and alone, partly due to the fact that so much of my world was intertwined with A's, and I simply no longer could deal with running in those circles, especially as I considered A to be a powerful figure within the scene we had been participating within.
Here, I can see that part of my identity was tied up with him and when I realized that it wasn't going to work between us, it was like a part of me was no longer being nourished. Essentially, a part of me had died.
What I didn't realize at the time, was that every part of what I experienced during those years was actually just another part of me. The potential that I believed I could only become if I was in a relationship with A (and I meant that we would be 'primary partners' who were allowed to essentially do what we want, but were emotionally and physically bonded more closely than the peripheral characters in our reality) was actually my own potential that I had mistakenly placed within the idea of A. Perhaps I was naive in becoming as vulnerable as I did, and in doing so I gave some of my power away.
When the relationship ended, it was very difficult for me to stabilize myself and figure out a healthy next move, as that overextension of myself meant that I counted on someone else in my reality to care for parts of myself that I hadn't cared for in the first place.
In a sense, really, there was a part of the relationship I had entered into quite greedily: I saw an opportunity to take too much, or more than I was capable of getting on my own, by using A to extend and expand into areas I hadn't ensured I was personally stable enough / grounded enough to reach should the support of A fall through.
This is why the relationship was so exhilarating: I experienced myself as an übermensch because this person was giving me access to things I should not have had access to and it made me feel special, like I was better than those around me. It's also why I fell so freaking hard after it ended: none of the people I left behind in my self-imagined superiority were particularly keen on helping me out once the music had stopped. I felt abandoned but hadn't realized how I had abandoned everyone when I was flying high. Then, I had to suffer the consequences of crashing hard.
I remember thinking that I had peaked and struggling with figuring out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. What do you do when you know for certain that you will never get an opportunity to fly so high and get so close to being better than so many people, especially when you have invested so heavily of yourself to get to that point? What do you do with the knowledge that you won't ever have it so good, within a system of competition, as you had it, and that if you choose to participate in that system again, everything else will be a compromise?
Well, for me, I fell into a deep depression. All of my motivation in this world simply dissipated. I continued to live in the same house as A for a while, but I stopped having fun hanging out with our old friends, in the old venues we used to frequent. Part of me understood that A was partially responsible for doing me wrong, as I knew he knew I had, albeit unspoken, feelings for him, and did things that allowed me to continue believing there was a future for us. But I couldn't understand why his life seemed to continue to go on so smoothly, as if he wasn't feeling any consequences for the part he had played in my fall, while I experienced myself as totally unsupported by the same group of people. I knew he didn't really care about these people either, we were both addicted to power and manipulation and that's why we used each other to gain the statuses we had, but for some reason he continued to be adored while I was increasingly ignored. I suspect that differences in our socioeconomic backgrounds had something to do with this situation, as people were sub- or unconsciously attracted to him as someone who came from money while I always knew I had to work harder to gain people's adulation coming from a more lower-middle class background.
Eventually, though, I just gave up. Up until that point, all the good things in my life seemed to just come to me. It was the same with my relationship with A: everything about our relationship was so easy: I don't think we ever fought in the two plus years of knowing him and hanging out on a weekly to daily basis. After our relationship fell apart, I was waiting around for the next good thing to come into my life. I didn't think I had done anything wrong and knew he was guilty of manipulating me into believing things that weren't true, so I had the belief that I had a karmic balance coming to me and would receive something equally amazing in my life to make up for what I had perceived myself as lacking in losing A.
So, I waited. And waited. And waited. And still, nothing happened. I continued working my dead end job and even though I eventually moved out of that house with A, nothing good was placed into my life to replace my relationship with A.
Yet, I still had placed my power in A. I believed that it was extremely unlikely for me to achieve anything near what I had fantasized I was capable of achieving within a relationship with A. Nobody had the right combination of a good upbringing, empathy, a rebellious and risk-taking nature, a love for psychedelic adventures, a good sense of humor, and curiosity, I believed. When I saw him eventually pair up with an otherwise remarkable woman, I knew inside of myself that he was compromising. He was hung up about the fact that we were the same gender and didn't want to go through with the relationship because he lacked the courage to deal with the social fallout of being in a same-sex relationship. I knew I was also the most amazing person he had met. And I knew that together, there would never be anything like what we could accomplish together, both for each of us individually and for the world at large. So, I had confusion about why A, who was otherwise unafraid to explore new aspects and styles of self-expression, was hung up on something that I saw as an opportunity to push the boundaries of our culture in being in a visible same-sex relationship.
And yet, he balked out of the relationship. So, I was confused, saddened, and depressed not only for myself, and not only also for him, but for the world. Our peak was also the world's peak and he backed away from it, letting it all fall down. I could not, and still do not, understand why.
But as someone who has come to study the Desteni material and specifically learned about that it means to enter into an Agreement, I am starting to realize the importance of some things in trying to build a new, healthy relationship.
Point one being Communication. While I am able to talk at length about what happened in our relationship and who was responsible for what and how we both felt about each other, all of this was gleaned psychically from A or experienced only within myself. Never, not even once, did we discuss being in a romantic relationship together. I never spoke about it with anyone else until about a year ago. So, while all that potential and the amazing things I experienced while being close with A were real, without being spoken about and agreed upon between the both of us, there was no accountability. A was able to escape the relationship without saying anything and I was left in pain without communicating, and thus receiving feedback and support, to anybody, either A or a friend or family member. The whole thing arose and fell in silence and so it was difficult for me to pin down who was accountable for what within the relationship.
Only now am I realizing what a stable Agreement between two individuals would look like, and only with the tools of Desteni (self-forgiveness, self-writing, self-introspection, breathing, and self-change), have I been able to begin to unravel just what the **** happened in my relationship with A: what was real, what I did wrong, what HE did wrong, and how I can change those things or avoid doing them again when I am ready to enter into an Agreement with another individual.
But I was lost for many years after that relationship and only by walking tools for even more years was I able to put distance between myself and that situation. Other patterns that I had been walking even longer than the things I held onto from my relationship with A have taken even longer to walk out of, so I suggest to check out the FREE online course where you'll learn the nature of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and how to effectively take responsibility for them in a way that demonstrates care for yourself and the planet as soon as possible.
You owe it to yourself to change. And the world needs you now more than ever.
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Day 34- Painted Myself Into a Corner
Do you ever have one of those days where you do everything right and it's turning out to be an awesome day, and then one little thing goes wrong and all of a sudden you are dashed against the rocks? Then read on, this post is for you.
Today, I had one of those days. I ate healthy. I made some discoveries about myself through writing. I had a difficult encounter with someone and remained calm and stable throughout. I got some exercise. And then: it happened. The mistake.
A single, small moment where I wasn't moving slowly enough, I wasn't grounded enough in my reality and like an explosion: everything FELL apart.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am not grounded in my reality in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not being grounded in my reality in every breath implies that I still have things to attend to in my physical reality, what is right here with me that I can touch, taste, and smell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not attend to the things in my physical reality that I need to attend to, and in so doing creating this physical ungroundedness that allows me to drift off in a single moment where I lose accountability for myself and ruin my day, creating ripple effects and outflows that surely must affect others in their realities, as well.
Then, after I made the mistake, I encountered ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY to change and correct myself, but I suppressed it, because it was more of a melding with other beings in my reality, which I allowed myself to create the justification in my mind was not as good as the first opportunity I had where I was alone, with myself, and was actually quite excited about what I was CREATING.
Now, I am still stuck with the unsettledness and general dissatisfaction with my reality that I initially experienced upon my first fall, but the ripple effects mean that those in my immediate vicinity are also not aligned with me and so not only am I subject to internal discomfort, but I am also dealing with loose ends that I cannot account for outside my reality.
Today, I had one of those days. I ate healthy. I made some discoveries about myself through writing. I had a difficult encounter with someone and remained calm and stable throughout. I got some exercise. And then: it happened. The mistake.
A single, small moment where I wasn't moving slowly enough, I wasn't grounded enough in my reality and like an explosion: everything FELL apart.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am not grounded in my reality in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not being grounded in my reality in every breath implies that I still have things to attend to in my physical reality, what is right here with me that I can touch, taste, and smell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not attend to the things in my physical reality that I need to attend to, and in so doing creating this physical ungroundedness that allows me to drift off in a single moment where I lose accountability for myself and ruin my day, creating ripple effects and outflows that surely must affect others in their realities, as well.
Then, after I made the mistake, I encountered ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY to change and correct myself, but I suppressed it, because it was more of a melding with other beings in my reality, which I allowed myself to create the justification in my mind was not as good as the first opportunity I had where I was alone, with myself, and was actually quite excited about what I was CREATING.
Now, I am still stuck with the unsettledness and general dissatisfaction with my reality that I initially experienced upon my first fall, but the ripple effects mean that those in my immediate vicinity are also not aligned with me and so not only am I subject to internal discomfort, but I am also dealing with loose ends that I cannot account for outside my reality.
Friday, April 3, 2020
Day 33- Mind Control in a Time of Conspiracy Theories
To my surprise, I had allowed an untrue definition of a word with quite a lot of relevance to my life (after all, the government hugely influences the world within which I live) to exist within me for years.
In an ironic twist, I had allowed my own mind / my own personal reasons for wanting this definition to be true to control me / my actions in this world, all based on the fear of the government controlling my own mind!
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the government controlling my mind.
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that fearing the government controlling my mind implies that I am controlled by my own fear existing in my own mind.
I forgive myself that for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the real mind control is my own unexamined fears, beliefs, ideas, and perceptions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by my own mind.
When and as I see myself go into action/reaction in relation to a fear, thought or idea within my own mind, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that I require to investigate my own internal infrastructure to prevent acting upon false beliefs.
I commit myself to investigate and purify my beliefs and fears so I can effectively control my own mind in the outflows and consequences I allow it to have on my life and the world.
To learn more about the skills of Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness, check out the FREE Desteni I Process 'Lite':
lite.desteniiprocess.com
Check out Desteni:
www.desteni.org
Check out the EQAFE (every question answered for everyone) existential library:
www.eqafe.com
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