Day 42- Are You Directed by Money or Life?

This coronavirus lockdown is a cool opportunity to take a breath and take a moment to see where I want to move next. Yet, as soon as an opportunity to take work came up, I jumped at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by money instead of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I must direct myself within self-honesty within situations as opportunities to do so, even if/when such moments as opportunities contain within them a point of conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict with others, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I do not yet trust myself to direct the situation in a way that is best for all and so go into a reaction of suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing being hurt implies that I have put myself in a situation where getting hurt is something that can happen to me, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that getting hurt is a constant possibility as a condition of being alive. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear of getting hurt/killed as a justification for not doing what is best for all within a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that people may want to hurt me, but cannot actually hurt me without my acceptance and allowance.

Desteni.org

Day 41- Self-Forgiveness on Sexually Transmitted Infections

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unprotected sex with C even after I knew she had been infected with HPV
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear HPV
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear HPV because I judge those with STIs as less than
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those with STIs as less than instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that manifested consequence is here, and that we are all equal regardless of the manifested consequences of our actions, but that does not justify continuing to manifest harmful consequences
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being harmed by sexually transmitted infections
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sexually transmitted infections here, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that sexually transmitted infections are a part of life here and must be dealt with in common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dealing with sexually transmitted infections
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry towards C for not disclosing her sexually transmitted infection to me before we had sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for allowing myself to have sex with C even after she told me she had a sexually transmitted infection
When and as I see myself go into blame for having sex with C after I knew she tested positive for a sexually transmitted infection, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am responsible for what I do with my body, alone, and thus cannot place the blame for having sex with C on anyone else. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame towards my decision to have sex with C even when I knew she had been exposed to a sexually transmitted infection.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that experiencing shame towards my decision to have sex with C even after I knew she had been exposed to a sexually transmitted infection implies that I seek someone else to relieve me of the responsibility/consequences of having had sex with C.

When and as I see myself moving to have sex with someone without ensuring I am properly protected from harmful consequences, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I alone am responsible for my actions and there can be no special panacea for me if I were to manifest the consequence of a sexually transmitted disease, but that I would then be responsible for living with the consequences of my actions.

I commit myself to ensure proper safety protocols are taken before I have sex again

Day 40- Redefining and Living Stability

The process used in this redefinition process can be seen here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18505. Suggest to check it out for assistance in redefining and living your own words.

Gathering information stage:

Self-allocation point:

I have been, indirectly and directly, called unstable by multiple people, including myself. Thus, my allocation in relation to this word stable is that: it is not me. Going back, as class clown, the funny guy, I can see that I have always stood out, sought attention, and have never really been OK with myself as who I am within.

Early in my childhood/adolescence, I didn’t recognize the expression of stability within myself, having received chastisement/punishment for expressing myself and so never really coming to honor a core/stability within myself as a natural right to be honored for just simply being. Thus, since I didn’t recognize myself as a stable, continuous being, I didn’t honor that and was always trying to disrupt stability around me. I would act out, crack jokes, and behave in other ways which would disrupt the classroom because I wasn’t taught to value stability.

Because I wasn’t given attention at home as who I really was, I devised other ways to gain that attention. Namely by disrupting a stable atmosphere that others sought/valued. I externalized/imposed the absence of stability within myself on others. I grew to enjoy my class clown personality, as it got me the attention that I didn’t receive just for being a human being, and a child at that. It didn’t help that I was classified as a gifted child and was separated from my peers both in age and location when I skipped a grade and attended a private school.

I carried this outsider personality with me through adolescence and college, where an encounter with psychedelics only accelerated my otherness as it allowed me to gain insights and abilities that further separated me from others. Soon enough, I was having visions of being a god-sent prophet/guru charged with raising the consciousness of earth and I dropped out of college. Eventually, I found myself homeless. Alone and addicted to drugs, I was certainly the living embodiment of a lack of stability.

Unfortunately, I have ended up back with the very person who robbed me of a sense of stability in the first place. In my quest to gain stability, I have basically forgotten my entire history of living the opposite of stability and have singularly focused on this person as being THE ONLY obstacle to me gaining stability. 

Definition:

the quality, state, or degree of being stable: such as
    a: the strength to stand or endure: FIRMNESS
    b: the property of a body that causes it when disturbed to form a condition of equilibrium or steady motion to develop forces or moments that restore the original condition
    c: resistance to chemical change or to physical disintegration
2. residence for life in one monastery

Sounding of the word:

Sounds identified:
Sta
Bility



Associations identified with the sounds:
sta- stay, stable
Bility- Ability

Stay- To remain
Ability- Capacity, Skill, Capability

Creative writing:

Stability is the ability for the self-core to remain constant despite what is going on externally
Stability is the the skill of firmness that is able to be developed over time
Stability is the capacity to remain firm
Stability is the capability to remain firm when others are blown over by the wind
Stability is the ability to remain who I am even as the environment impulses me to change
Stability is the ability to remain stable regardless of what is going on

Final definition:

Stability is the the ability to remain stable regardless of what is going on


Does my definition represent what this word stands for?
Yes

Is my definition free of polarities?
Yes

Can I stand by this definition into infinity?
Yes

Day 39- Falling When it Matters Most

I am living with abusive landlords. While they expect me to do labor to pay for my staying here, they infringe upon my privacy, entering my living area at will. Recently, they asked me to move all of my stuff out of my living area, a recreational vehicle which they own, so they can take it on a trip. Instead of standing up for myself and my right to my living space, I acquiesced to their demand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself when my rights were infringed upon.


Now, I have been demanded to wake up at 8am to clean the RV so they can prepare it for their trip. In actuality, I don't mind so much that I must live in the main house for a few days while they are on a trip. However, I fell in the point of standing up for myself/to them because I was afraid they would try to attack me/force me out of the RV and I would find myself homeless. Also, I have fallen on hard times financially and they have provided support in the form of food and money for me.

In reality, I can see that I am not comfortable asking for help from others and so allow myself to be directed by them in hopes they continue to provide financial and material support to me. Another point within this is that I am avoiding conflict by not standing up for myself.

Now, I am sitting here wide awake in considerable conflict because I can see that I've already fallen on this point and to force the issue in the morning when they wake up will more than likely cause conflict. On paper, it is not such a big deal, other than being forced to do all this moving with my injured wrist may exacerbate the injury. In common sense, I would just go along with this simple request and enjoy the time alone living in larger living quarters.

However, these are not common sense-applying people. Rather, I am also enabling them to continue being directed by fear by not standing up and allowing them to take the RV instead of making other arrangements.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being able to find a solution should I stand up to these people.

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to realize that fearing I won't be able to find a solution if I upset my landlords implies that I do not trust myself to direct myself in every situation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to direct myself in every situation, but rather exist in the positive mind energy of believing I am doing well in my process when in actuality, when faced with a simple test such as this, I easily fall, proving I lack STABILITY within and as who I am.

I see, realize, and understand that this lack of stability proves to me I have not covered every point within myself to justify the positive feelings of being completely in control within my Process, nor the positive feeling of being wanted/needed by others walking their process, as I have in fact proved that I am not a Pillar of Support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not first realize that I must be an unconditional Pillar of Support for and as Myself, before I can begin to support others within their process. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself with others walking their Processes who I deem to be STABLE and thus enjoying themselves more than me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have thus left for myself a backdoor to FALL, where I isolate myself from others because I am walking a Process they are not aware of, and yet am unable to remain Stable and Firm here in every moment of breath, regardless of the situation, and in falling, have made it exceptionally difficult to live in my daily life, because I have walked separation from these people and now must rely upon them for material and financial support while I recover from the consequences of my participation in my reality. I see that this stems from my lack of walking a process to establish and maintain stability within and without.

Day 38- Ignoring Self-Honesty to Compromise My Body

This blog post is inspired by https://vixensjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2020/05/06/living-with-being-body-and-mind-417/ .

A point in my reality that keeps reoccurring is where I ignore a moment of self-honesty within myself regards my wrist. I injured it recently and while the pain isn't horrible, it's clear to me that I must be careful with using it. However, there have been two moments where I ignored an opportunity to practice self-care and went ahead and used my wrist anyway.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical body through using my wrist.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into extensive reaction after compromising my wrist/body, wherein I worried and became frustrated and angry with myself for compromising my body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that becoming agitated and upset about my poor choice was only making the situation worse.

When and as I see myself ignore a point of self-honesty within a moment as an opportunity to change, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such moments are truly blessings of a limited nature.

I commit myself to STOP within a moment and change a pattern in real time.