I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself when my rights were infringed upon.
Now, I have been demanded to wake up at 8am to clean the RV so they can prepare it for their trip. In actuality, I don't mind so much that I must live in the main house for a few days while they are on a trip. However, I fell in the point of standing up for myself/to them because I was afraid they would try to attack me/force me out of the RV and I would find myself homeless. Also, I have fallen on hard times financially and they have provided support in the form of food and money for me.
In reality, I can see that I am not comfortable asking for help from others and so allow myself to be directed by them in hopes they continue to provide financial and material support to me. Another point within this is that I am avoiding conflict by not standing up for myself.
Now, I am sitting here wide awake in considerable conflict because I can see that I've already fallen on this point and to force the issue in the morning when they wake up will more than likely cause conflict. On paper, it is not such a big deal, other than being forced to do all this moving with my injured wrist may exacerbate the injury. In common sense, I would just go along with this simple request and enjoy the time alone living in larger living quarters.
However, these are not common sense-applying people. Rather, I am also enabling them to continue being directed by fear by not standing up and allowing them to take the RV instead of making other arrangements.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being able to find a solution should I stand up to these people.
I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to realize that fearing I won't be able to find a solution if I upset my landlords implies that I do not trust myself to direct myself in every situation.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to direct myself in every situation, but rather exist in the positive mind energy of believing I am doing well in my process when in actuality, when faced with a simple test such as this, I easily fall, proving I lack STABILITY within and as who I am.
I see, realize, and understand that this lack of stability proves to me I have not covered every point within myself to justify the positive feelings of being completely in control within my Process, nor the positive feeling of being wanted/needed by others walking their process, as I have in fact proved that I am not a Pillar of Support.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not first realize that I must be an unconditional Pillar of Support for and as Myself, before I can begin to support others within their process. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself with others walking their Processes who I deem to be STABLE and thus enjoying themselves more than me.
I see, realize, and understand that I have thus left for myself a backdoor to FALL, where I isolate myself from others because I am walking a Process they are not aware of, and yet am unable to remain Stable and Firm here in every moment of breath, regardless of the situation, and in falling, have made it exceptionally difficult to live in my daily life, because I have walked separation from these people and now must rely upon them for material and financial support while I recover from the consequences of my participation in my reality. I see that this stems from my lack of walking a process to establish and maintain stability within and without.
Hey Tyler, have you looked at what it is you would like to have as your living arrangements with your landlords? To write it down for yourself as what you see works for you as well as in which ways you see you can contribute that do not compromise you? You could then also ask them to lay out or write out what it is they want out of this arrangement -- to then place both together to see how you can create an agreement that all agree to and stick to it, which then also can be used as a reference point if / when disagreements or disputes arrive. When there's no clear agreement in place and things are 'up in the air' it can be hard to see what to do because it's never been clarified as to 'what's expected' , what is reasonable and what not.
ReplyDeleteHey Tyler, I recognize a lot of myself in you. Specifically my experience when I first started walking process, where is often get into these conflicts with my environment because I perceived that I was being 'tested' and that I must 'prove' my standing in process and in myself through doing specific things -things that often actually scared me. In fact these 'tests' are what eventually actually made me 'fall' - believing myself to have 'failed' in process because I apparently did not pass the test. I mean I actually stopped walking with Desteni for two whole years because of that. When what I eventually realized it's that these tests is more coming from the mind which is just looking to create as much friction and generate as much fear and conflict within you as possible. Walking process is about doing 'what is best for you', and maybe in this situation that means letting go of all the thoughts and reactions you have and letting go of the inner conflict and all the beliefs you have about what you 'should do' and sort of be more 'easygoing' with your environment. The mind tends to project and makes the 'enemy' appear to be 'out there', in 'other people' and 'the abusive things they're doing', when our worst enemy is our own mind itself, loving conflict and fear. I've realized that sometimes 'what's best' seems counterintuitive, but I've learned to see what's best as not so much about what I do but more whether my inner reality is without conflict. And often that also means to simply create or participate in as little conflict as possible in my external reality. 'Taking the humble road', rather than the reactive one, basically. All about taking care of your inner self.
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