Day 57- Part 3- Self-Interest/Self-Abuse

Today there were two moments where I saw something which I could have acted upon which was best for all. Unfortunately, I didn’t ‘trust’ the self-trust within me (remember, everything is in reverse), and continued doing the thing I knew wasn’t best for all. The thing about these moments is that it wasn’t pure self-interest which I was following, but actually a self-interested self-abusive point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by drinking the frappucino.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which inside me told me to not drink the frappucino, even though I knew it was best for all within the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I received a second chance in the form of leaving the frappucino in my truck, to instead grab the frappucino out of my truck and proceed to drink it, embodying Spite in all it’s eviL glory in that moment

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Day 56- Self-sabotage

Why do I sabotage myself. How do I sabotage myself. When I don’t slow down, and I rush to do things, I am sabotaging myself. Why and how do I rush to do things? Caffeine. Improper nutrition. Stress caused by caffeine and improper nutrition. I need to focus on taking care of the little things in my life. This will help me establish discipline. This will strengthen my self-responsibility. I was not taught self-responsibility. I was taught obedience. I was taught to follow directions.

Self-supportive EQAFE products dealing with self-sabotage:

Deliberately Sabotaging my Own Change - Part 152

Self Sabotage: Nature & Design - Atlanteans - Par… 

Fear of Change: Understanding & Support - Fears &…

Giving Up: Self Sabotaged Beginnings - Atlanteans…

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Day 53- Lack of a Support Network

I was doing some reading on male depression, and it mentioned how it was important for men to have a support network to deal with their depression. Some people to bounce your thoughts off of, to talk about what you are going through, and to perhaps gain additional perspectives or insights one had not previously considered. Taking a look at my life, I realize and understand that I don't have a support network, like, at all. Why would this be so?

What it comes down to is: I have not created a support network in my life. Despite having 'Met' countless people, my intention or direction within meeting these people has always been obfuscated by self-interest (read: limitation) in one form or another.

If it was the people I 'Met' because I wanted a job offer from them, I was only considering my survival. Perhaps I used manipulation to charm them into thinking I was a good candidate for the job. Since I was not Directive within Self-Honesty in my approach to our interaction = the relationship didn't end up being supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach potential employers/managers from the perspective of manipulating them to create an image within their minds of me as employable, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding the importance of Expressing myself Here, in the moment, in Each and Every interaction in Self-Trust and Self-Honesty, regardless of my desire, driven by fear, of acquiring money from a job, wherein I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the outcome of a manipulated relationship is going to be tainted in such a way as to create Consequences which will prevent such a relationship from being Supportive of Me.

Day 50- Self-Forgiveness for Anger for Smoking a Cigarette

Today I had a pretty good day. I called the hotel to complain about the employee who, as it turns out, did mistreat me. It didn’t change much, but I feel better about the situation now, lol. Also, I booked a massage and was treated by a highly skilled practioner who was able to assist me in feeling a LOT better. It was funny, because I was pretty sure he was gay, but then he started talking about his girlfriend, which might have been a cover, but just goes to show you can never judge a book by it’s cover.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself for smoking a cigarette, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it was a matter of really needing my fix, lol, because I simply was unable to purchase the vape pen at the store

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am going back into depression because I smoked a cigarette

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going into depression

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that fearing going into depression implies that I have forgotten the simple fact that I have lived with depression for years and years and years and so I have in fact already lived depression = definitely something to look out for, but not something to fear

When and as I see myself go into the emotional reaction of anger towards smoking a cigarette, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that at this point I have created a chemical dependency towards nicotine, and if something happens where I cannot get a replacement for my nicotine, one cigarette isn’t going to kill me.

I commit myself to purchase a vape pen

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Day 48- Angry at Myself

Last night, I was having such a good day and then a single moment seemed to derail the entire thing. I was driving along in my truck and was trying to figure out where I was going to stay for the night now that I am here in Arizona. Instead of pulling over, I allowed the sneaking thought in: what if I just search hotels quickly and started searching for hotels on my phone while driving. Of course, I veered out of the lane and while nobody was hurt, it could have been a dangerous situation. I then spent the rest of the night angry at myself for allowing a single moment of carelessness to ruin a whole day and potentially my whole life moving forward from that point.



 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for looking up hotels on my phone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret looking up hotels on my phone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energetic possession after becoming angry with myself for looking up hotels on my phone while driving, where I was agitated and regretted my decision and couldn’t think or act clearly all night

I forgive myself that I then accepted and allowed myself to not handle the situation at the hotel well, because I was so agitated and disoriented and confused from being angry and disappointed and regretful from my decision earlier to use my phone whilst driving, that I was not stable and able to effectively direct the situation within the hotel to my satisfaction, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into further frustration and regret and energetic possession after my encounter with the deskperson at the hotel, where I sped up while driving away instead of going back and having a discussion with the person, simply allowing myself to go into a giving up reaction towards the situation within allowing the thought “I’m too tired to deal with this”. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe “I’m not good enough” to get myself established at the nice hotel. 



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Day 34- Painted Myself Into a Corner

Do you ever have one of those days where you do everything right and it's turning out to be an awesome day, and then one little thing goes wrong and all of a sudden you are dashed against the rocks? Then read on, this post is for you.

Today, I had one of those days. I ate healthy. I made some discoveries about myself through writing. I had a difficult encounter with someone and remained calm and stable throughout. I got some exercise. And then: it happened. The mistake.

A single, small moment where I wasn't moving slowly enough, I wasn't grounded enough in my reality and like an explosion: everything FELL apart.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am not grounded in my reality in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not being grounded in my reality in every breath implies that I still have things to attend to in my physical reality, what is right here with me that I can touch, taste, and smell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not attend to the things in my physical reality that I need to attend to, and in so doing creating this physical ungroundedness that allows me to drift off in a single moment where I lose accountability for myself and ruin my day, creating ripple effects and outflows that surely must affect others in their realities, as well.

Then, after I made the mistake, I encountered ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY to change and correct myself, but I suppressed it, because it was more of a melding with other beings in my reality, which I allowed myself to create the justification in my mind was not as good as the first opportunity I had where I was alone, with myself, and was actually quite excited about what I was CREATING.

Now, I am still stuck with the unsettledness and general dissatisfaction with my reality that I initially experienced upon my first fall, but the ripple effects mean that those in my immediate vicinity are also not aligned with me and so not only am I subject to internal discomfort, but I am also dealing with loose ends that I cannot account for outside my reality.