Day 77- Self-Betrayal

 Still dealing with the fallout of self-betrayal as taking in beer that I wasn’t prepared to take in.

The “interesting” thing about real self-betrayal is that the regret, shame, anger, etc. that one experiences after such a moment are real. They don’t go away. They are like markers for your soul to make sure you have some takeaway from the experience that is so horrendous you never go there again. It sucks that it happened, but if you didn’t keep those negative emotions in relation to the experience of falling, you might not remember and you might not learn from the experience to make sure it doesn’t happen again. No amount of self-forgiveness can remove these emotions- they remain with you like scars from a physical trauma. And they are experienced like a physical trauma- it’s like the body’s way of telling you to never go there again. You wouldn’t do the thing that caused your body to collect a scar which could last a lifetime- it’s the same for when you betray yourself in absolute self-abuse. Within that moment, I lost a part of myself. I will never get that back, and so, I cannot simply wish away the remembrance of that moment of self-abuse. The lesson is deeper than a simply emotional or feeling reaction to a moment in my daily life- it’s more of at an existential/beingness level where I must remember what happened through the storage of the pain as a symbolic reminder of what I- and I alone- did to myself.

Normally, when walking a process of self-forgiveness, an emotional or feeling reaction to a situation indicates a point where I must do self-forgiveness for the mind-construct to ensure I don’t timeloop into that pattern again in the future. With this type of self-forgiveness, I actually release myself from the emotional or feeling reaction within which I participated, and there is a sensation of release there when done correctly. I feel lighter afterwards. In this sense, it is a benefit for releasing myself from a less-than-optimal pattern that proves to me that the self-forgiveness is effective and therefore worthwhile. 

With a total-beingness self-betrayal, it was me as who I really am within that moment choosing to abuse myself. It wasn’t a mind construct, so I can’t forgive it to let it go and get lighter. I must keep the pain as a reminder of what I did so I never, ever do it again. Because what I was given in that moment was an opportunity to choose to transcend the mind entirely, and I chose instead to go into the mind. That choice, which I made for and as myself, was not what was best for me and was in fact self-abusive. So, I carry the wounds from that choice with me so my beingness can remember to not do that again. I wouldn’t want to forget such an important  decision through self-forgiveness.

Day 69- Do You Have ANXIETY?

Did that title make you anxious?

Today I had a silly experience with anxiety. I was trimming my nails and something I do quite often is trim them too short. Well, I was about to clip a toenail and a thought came up, "You should be careful not to trim that too short." Another: "You should use the smaller fingernail clipper so you don't cut it too short." I stopped the thoughts, and continued to trim the nail, making sure I didn't cut it too short. But, afterwards, I had lingering anxiety about the situation- "what if I had cut the toenail too short?". There was no pain, but even if I had cut it too short, there was nothing I could do about it at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I am anxious

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being anxious.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be not anxious

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that I am anxious about something that ‘could have happened’- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the thing didn’t happen, and even if it did, there is nothing I can do about it at this time

When and as I see myself become anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that being anxious is an emotional reaction about something that either didn’t happen, happened but I cannot do anything about it, or happened and I am suppressing the solution of the problem within me and therefore must take ACTION to fix. I am not anxiety. I can act to create solutions.

When and as I see myself reacting within anger at my being anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that reacting to my anxiousness is an indication I am in my mind.

When and as I see myself fear my anxiousness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that anxiousness is not real; it is of and in my mind, and I can stop it within a breath. 

When and as I see myself desire to not be anxious, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that stopping anxiousness requires breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself within a moment. 

I commit myself to stop anxiety through breathing.

I commit myself to realize that anxiety is not a solution, but to investigate whether the problem actually exists (lol), and if it does, if there is anything I can practically do about it. Otherwise, I commit myself to STOP anxiety in a single moment of breath.

I commit myself to not become angry when I am experiencing anxiousness, but to stop, breathe, and ground myself in my physical reality, to stop the mind and remain here in awareness.

I commit myself to not fear anxiety.

I commit myself to not desire to not be anxious

I commit myself to investigate and stop all forms of anxiety in this world.

Thanks for reading

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Day 57- Part 3- Self-Interest/Self-Abuse

Today there were two moments where I saw something which I could have acted upon which was best for all. Unfortunately, I didn’t ‘trust’ the self-trust within me (remember, everything is in reverse), and continued doing the thing I knew wasn’t best for all. The thing about these moments is that it wasn’t pure self-interest which I was following, but actually a self-interested self-abusive point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by drinking the frappucino.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which inside me told me to not drink the frappucino, even though I knew it was best for all within the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I received a second chance in the form of leaving the frappucino in my truck, to instead grab the frappucino out of my truck and proceed to drink it, embodying Spite in all it’s eviL glory in that moment

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Day 54- Part 2- I abused myself

I abused my human physical body. I had absolutely no respect for who I really was. Just the manifestation of self-abuse, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-disrespect. Why?

I sought validation. Validation for who I was a human being.

And, when I received none, I started to doubt my value within existence. I didn’t think I had any value within who I was within existence. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that needing validation implies that I do not value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not need myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that not needing myself implies that I don’t take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself