Day 62- Fearing Sleeping

Today there was a moment where I could see that what I was on my way to do wasn't what was best for me, but I continued on to do the thing I had set out to do anyway. I can see that the original thought to do the thing was tied to a habitual behavioral pattern that is not best for all, but I interpreted the self-honesty to stop/change what I was doing as "intrusive".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the budding expression of self-honesty as intrusive because it apparently contradicted my previous thought that I wanted to do the thing I was on my way doing.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not realize that experiencing the self-honesty impulse to STOP is actually my self-expression trying to "poke through" whereas the original thought to do the thing was a) aligned with a habit that is b) not best for all and my suppression of STOPPING in that moment was actually me as the mind wanting to "cling" to my unconscious behavioral pattern of taking caffeine at night when it will affect my sleep and through off my rhythm making it difficult to participate normally during the day.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this thought is an extension of my mind and not what is best for all/self in a moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that the thought "it's too early to sleep, I should go get a diet Coke" is not as innocent as it seems- as it happened in the evening and has had repercussions lasting into the early morning in terms of me not being able to sleep. The seemingly INNOCENT enjoyment of a coke that late in my day/evening has consequences lasting for the 12 hour half-life of caffeine. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very thought of not wanting to sleep is = avoiding a negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleeping too early in the night as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that defining sleeping too early in the night as negative implies that I fear waking up too early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up 'too early'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing waking up 'too early' implies that I believe I will have nothing to do if I wake up early in the morning when nothing is apparently going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have nothing to do early in the morning- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding there are plenty of activities I can do early in the morning.

When and as I see myself go into the experience of tiredness and then react to that within 'it is too early/late to sleep', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I must check in with myself during such times and listen to my body- if it needs sleep and I can afford to get some rest, then I can let my body rest.

When and as I see myself react to sleepiness within 'I should get some caffeine, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are certain situations where taking caffeine will/could/might affect my ability to sleep during 'normal sleeping hours' lol, and so I can/should take that into consideration when considering taking caffeine to fend of tiredness.

When and as I see myself fearing sleeping in case I should 'wake up too early', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that 'waking up too early' is/has been defined by me through my mind and, as long as I am getting the proper amount of sleep, there is always something I can do/be doing, regardless of the 'time' I might have to do it.

I commit myself to let my body sleep when/if it needs to sleep

I commit myself to consider the time of day when considering taking caffeine; if it's too late and I don't want to be up late, I commit myself to not partake of caffeine

I commit myself to realign my relationship with activities/tasks to being effective/productive and not define my willingness/appropriateness of doing the task by the time of day.


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Day 51- Part 2- Playing with the Fire of the Law of Attraction

I just watched a video by Maite Zamora Moreno where she talks about the pitfalls of playing with the law of attraction.

As someone who used a lot of psychedelics and was ‘enchanted’ by the law of attraction, it took me a while before I understood how focusing on the positive was extremely consequential. 

Because, have a look, there is a polarity play-out within focusing on the positive. This is the same thing we are seeing amongst the love and lighters of this world. Instead of recognizing, delving into, and thus taking responsibility for one’s dark side, the love and lighters instead focus on the positive only. There are consequences to looking at the darkness of the world, KNOWING the darkness of the self exists, and then choosing to only focus on the nice, joyful, happy, ‘positive’ things of this world, within and without. The more attention is focused on positive energy only, and that’s what it really is, right: energy, the less attention is given to not only the negative realities of the world, but to the negative energy within. 

When you only focus on positive energy, the negative energy inside you doesn’t go away. And if you actually take the time to investigate the nature of the mind, you see that it’s based in polarity. For every desire, there is a fear. For every preference, there is a dislike. For every person you like, there is a person you dislike. Unless you really have given yourself completely to positive energy and then you might delude yourself into believing you only experience love and light towards every being. But, for normal people, the mind operates on polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could focus only on the positive and in so doing raise my energy level in such a way that it would benefit others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lose track of the reality of the functioning of my mind consciousness system as based in polarity, where while I was focusing intensely on positive energy, I was simultaneously suppressing the negative energy, which backfired on me when this energy needed to disperse and I ended up attracting exactly an equal amount of negative experiences as the positive experiences I got so excited about. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the deleterious effect existing within energy at all has on the physical substance of and as my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical trumps energy every time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the common sense of the physical, here.