Day 32- Redefining and Living Illness (Part 1)

Illness. This is a word I see within myself that requires redefinition.

Self-Allocation Point

I believe myself to have become mentally ill at some point and thus am already, in a sense, living the word illness. This illness manifested due to drug abuse and addiction. It has become manifest as both a mis-alignment of the mind and physical within myself with a side dish of depression and the accompanying anxiety. I have experienced isolation, despair, sadness, anger, and all sorts of (mainly negative) emotions in relation to this word, as well as certain positive feelings such as superiority and righteousness.

Dictionary Definition

1. a: Sickness
    b: An unhealthy condition of body or mind
2. a. Wickedness
    b. Unpleasantness

Sounding of the Word

I'll- I will
nice- kindness

Investigate the Word

I have associated a negative polarity to this word. Obviously, this is different from the normal situation of polarized words people lived, as this is more a entire mind consciousness system manifestation / breakdown / misalignment. Nonetheless, I have a negative polarity associated with this word. Within looking at the sounding of the word, I broke it down into two parts: I will & kindness. Here, I define illness as the state of saying: I will be kind later. Right now, I am ill. Therefore, any manner of behavior is justified as I am not in a position of functioning normally. Of course, there have been moments where this illness I am living has been out of my control, but the point still remains: while I am under the control and spell of illness, I am unable to live kindness: only in the unproven future where I am no longer living illness will I be capable of living kindness.

One aspect of how I have lived this word is within hiding within it. There have been opportunities for me to transcend my living of the word illness that I have rejected and I have also experienced this within others who are also living illness: a certain coldness or wickedness within wanting to / doing things that cause me to remain within living the word illness.

Thus, every time I have failed to take concrete steps to transcend my illness, I am saying to my entire external reality: I will be kind later.

This explains how I've allowed myself to become homeless and resort to stealing / charity / welfare to meet my needs, as my needs still remained even as I was essentially saying: I refuse to take care of myself. Thus, instead of being nice, I was forcing others in my reality to support me.

Creative Phase

Illness is a state of being unable and/or unwilling to be kind until later.
Illness is a state of disempowerment.
Illness involves some form of manipulation, as, if you can't be nice to people, how are you to gather the resources necessary for your survival in this world?
Illness is a refusal to stand up in this world.

The steps taken for this redefinition process can be found here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18230

Day 6- Mental Illness, Homelessness, and Basic Income

A problem that I have been dealing with that also relates to the last post is that I am homeless.

Thus, its almost as if, in addition to being out of the world system, I am also unable to even use the Desteni tools. Where a Destonian would be able to ground themselves in a safe space while at home, for example, or might have access to the internet/be able to use their computer or a light to write at any time, I do not have that luxury.

The very place where I sleep it is likely not legal for me to be there, but I haven't found a better location so that's where I'm forced to stay. For purposes of wanting to keep a low profile, I've found myself having to suppress certain actions that would ground me in my body, actions that would be available to me if I had a place of my own.

It's almost harder being aware of the Desteni materials than not at this point, as it's like I am in a prison unable to use them. At least in prison I would be allowed to utilize the space of my cell to move my body as I like, instead of always crouching down to hide from others who might cause more strife to my life than already exists.

As I work on aligning the body and the mind to even make the tools of self-forgiveness and self-writing workable, it's hard to differentiate between when I am using my circumstances as an excuse through the mind and when I am actually limited by not having my own place, enough money, etc.

I see many homeless people around me- I would say the extent of the problem is far greater than many realize with countless people sleeping in their cars or under highways where they aren't always seen- but for the most part, they are just like other people. Many of them are deliberate in their abdication and just have taken their spite and refusal to stand up so far that they are having to face the extremely difficult circumstances of being homeless in order to learn.

However, there are those of us who are actually unable to work and to socialize like normal people, homeless or not, due to actual mental illnesses as misalignments in the mind-body-being relationship. For these people, there are not many options: many are simply unemployable and so are forced to sleep in the streets and rely upon handouts and whatever public assistance for which they may qualify. Even in the best case scenario, where I for example have been exposed to the Desteni material and so have an inkling of Process and what is going on, the situation doesn't get better.

So, I would say, on behalf of myself and other mentally ill homeless: please, work towards a basic income, change yourselves and thus the system into one that cares for those unable to care for themselves.  It's the only chance we've got.