Day 60- The Perfect Job- Does it Exist?

I don’t know what type of job I want. I can see that it is perhaps more important so simply place myself in the system, because the likelihood of landing a job that fits into my fantasy of being perfectly melded with my process and goals seems unlikely. Even landing the type of job I want seems unlikely— what’s more important is to place myself in the system in a financially stable position, knowing I will be able to apply myself within my process in whichever position I find myself actually being hired for. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate thoughts and feelings about landing the perfect job, only to become upset when the littlest thing derails my path

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can navigate the entire system perfectly, without making one single tiny misstep, in such a way as perfectly matches the vision I created within my mind, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s more a matter of practically placing myself in the system with the goal of achieving financial independence, a process which guarantees nothing and is rather dependent upon the actions of external characters who determine whether I am hired or fired, regardless of the energy I have applied towards my idea of the position, and the polarities I have assigned the words that describe the position

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not humble myself before the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am more important than the entire system that supports human beings on earth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that thinking I am more important than the entire system that supports human beings on earth implies that I believe the system values me as an individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my belief that the system values me as an individual, think and believe that it then thus owes me a position to my liking such as I am capable of envisioning ahead of time, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must physically walk myself into places of employment and ask for a job without the security and stability that I imagine within my mind of it matching my wants, needs, and desires perfectly to a t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus want to control the employment situation ahead of time by generating a certain energy frequency based on my imaginings of ‘the perfect job’ and allowing and accepting myself to become upset when the world out-there doesn’t match up with that generated energy frequency I have created, leading me to think thoughts about wanting to give up even looking for a job and spending days and days cycling in this cycle of generating imaginings and fantasies related to a ‘job’, going about my errands and experiencing a lack of support for that particular energetic frequency, and then giving up searching for a job entirely

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am generating positive energy in my mind around an image of a perfect job I would like to have, concurrently there exists negative energy related to ‘what I don’t want from a job’ that I am trying to avoid and so,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to avoid certain scenarios as jobs/hiring processes/situations instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that, similar to the positive energy-experiences I ‘crave’, such scenarios/instances/hypothetical situations = don’t exist

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the giving up/not wanting to look for a job component is based on imagery/energies and so similarly not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such negative energetic experiences as imagined scenarios cannot and will not exist and therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the generated negative emotional charges related to those thoughts/ideas/fantasies as justification to not look for a job/just give up looking while the clock keeps on ticking for me to establish financial stability within/as the system


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Day 16- Suppressing Communication

Something that I have been dealing with lately has been the need to gain employment. Here, I’ve built up a large resistance to a lot of potential jobs and I can see that this resistance is related to memories I have in relation to jobs past. Whereas my approach to work in the past (influenced by 'advice' from an authority figure) has been to simply put out my resume to as many places as possible and then take whatever opportunities present themselves, this has not worked out very well for me in terms of having many negative experiences whilst employed and not a lot of positive or expanding experiences to speak of. Fastforward to the present and I've now created a 'block' or resistance within my mind to just taking whatever job I can because of those negative emotions I've created through my participation in past jobs where I did just that.

Unfortunately I live in a world where I am unlikely to gain access to unconditional life support in the form of money/food/a place to stay, etc. that I require as a human being on this earth provided from an external source without the expectation that I perform some sort of labor in return. Even when I returned to living with my parents after a period of homelessness, while they didn't charge me money for rent or the food they provided, they still expected me to do things like the dishes after meals they cooked and household chores. While I was staying with them, I experienced these expectations as a burden because I was attempting to gain stability and believed that I was in a place where any such external expectations where an intrusion upon my internal process and disallowed me the ability to maximize my potential in this world. Additionally, I experienced resistance to bringing this up to my parents.

Perhaps a part of me feared being cast out (despite their expressed intention to keep a place for me in their home forever) if I brought up my personal needs and a part of me actually did want to contribute if only I could have gained some sort of stability that allowed me to feel ok in doing so. Unfortunately, I didn't speak up at the time on my own behalf and continued to do what was asked/expected of me even though I experienced a lot of friction whilst carrying out these tasks, including the idea that I was doing them wrong and possibly endangering myself and my parents. Interesting that suppression can be carried out so far by a person that they are even willing to allow themselves to feel or believe that they are compromising themselves or others and continue on just to avoid the possible confrontation that would go with expressing the thing suppressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress communication of my needs to my parents when they expected me to do the dishes every night they cooked dinner for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that suppressing communication of my needs implied that I was not prioritizing my own self-stability regardless of the situation.

I forgive myself for not prioritizing my own self-stability.