Day 77- Self-Betrayal

 Still dealing with the fallout of self-betrayal as taking in beer that I wasn’t prepared to take in.

The “interesting” thing about real self-betrayal is that the regret, shame, anger, etc. that one experiences after such a moment are real. They don’t go away. They are like markers for your soul to make sure you have some takeaway from the experience that is so horrendous you never go there again. It sucks that it happened, but if you didn’t keep those negative emotions in relation to the experience of falling, you might not remember and you might not learn from the experience to make sure it doesn’t happen again. No amount of self-forgiveness can remove these emotions- they remain with you like scars from a physical trauma. And they are experienced like a physical trauma- it’s like the body’s way of telling you to never go there again. You wouldn’t do the thing that caused your body to collect a scar which could last a lifetime- it’s the same for when you betray yourself in absolute self-abuse. Within that moment, I lost a part of myself. I will never get that back, and so, I cannot simply wish away the remembrance of that moment of self-abuse. The lesson is deeper than a simply emotional or feeling reaction to a moment in my daily life- it’s more of at an existential/beingness level where I must remember what happened through the storage of the pain as a symbolic reminder of what I- and I alone- did to myself.

Normally, when walking a process of self-forgiveness, an emotional or feeling reaction to a situation indicates a point where I must do self-forgiveness for the mind-construct to ensure I don’t timeloop into that pattern again in the future. With this type of self-forgiveness, I actually release myself from the emotional or feeling reaction within which I participated, and there is a sensation of release there when done correctly. I feel lighter afterwards. In this sense, it is a benefit for releasing myself from a less-than-optimal pattern that proves to me that the self-forgiveness is effective and therefore worthwhile. 

With a total-beingness self-betrayal, it was me as who I really am within that moment choosing to abuse myself. It wasn’t a mind construct, so I can’t forgive it to let it go and get lighter. I must keep the pain as a reminder of what I did so I never, ever do it again. Because what I was given in that moment was an opportunity to choose to transcend the mind entirely, and I chose instead to go into the mind. That choice, which I made for and as myself, was not what was best for me and was in fact self-abusive. So, I carry the wounds from that choice with me so my beingness can remember to not do that again. I wouldn’t want to forget such an important  decision through self-forgiveness.

Day 76- Self-Abuse

 I had a moment yesterday where I knew I should not have participated in a certain scenario, but I did it anyway. I went into a people-pleasing character and drank a beer that someone bought me. I knew the beer was too heavy and drinking it would lead me into a situation where I was no longer in control. I had an opportunity to refuse participating in the situation, but I allowed the thought “But then, you will have to create conflict with this person” to sneak in, and, not wanting to direct myself in self-responsibility, I accepted and drank the beer, even as I knew within myself it was a decision that was self-abusive. Immediately afterwards, I started to “feel good” as the beer coursed through my veins, and my mind offered additional backchat of “see, it was the right decision”. The combination of the chemical effect of the alcohol and the supportive (although at the same time not supportive) thoughts contributed to me staying at the bar and having another beer. I bummed a cigarette of someone. Again, I had an opportunity to not participate. Again, I doubled down because I “followed” the thought that I would create a scene/disappoint the person who bummed me the cigarette if I didn’t smoke it right then, and so I watched myself abuse myself yet again, simply by following a thought in my head I had about how another person would react to me not abusing myself.

Having now two strong beers in my system, I went home where I found my roommate drunk. Chatting with him at this point was quite fun, as we both were under the influence of alcohol. At some point, I suggested we get more beer and he agreed. So, I got more beer and proceeded to drink more beer. I cooked dinner, and then drank more beer. Eventually, I started to feel quite bad- I got the hiccups and they wouldn’t go away- I felt bloated and uncomfortable. So, I went to bed, where I restlessly browsed the internet before eventually falling asleep. Today, I woke up to my 33rd birthday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when offered a beer that wasn’t the strength I was comfortable consuming, to accept it and drink it anyway because I didn’t want to disappoint/cause friction with the person who bought it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of blame towards my world and reality for not allowing me to simply drink a beer, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that I was trying to find some justification or excuse as to why I had betrayed my self-honesty to drink that beer, why I had killed a part of myself to please another/abuse myself, with practically no benefit but to ingest mild poison into my body and talk with others under the influence of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I alone am responsible for destroying and maiming and obliterating a part of myself within that moment of accepting and drinking the beer, as nobody forced me to do it, despite my mind speaking to me, telling me that it would create conflict if I refused the beer and just went home. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there was actually an opportunity before when I accepted having a beer bought for myself to leave the situation and go home, but that I suppressed that opportunity because “this is what I apparently want to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing having a beer bought for me was “what I wanted to do” is simply a result of my friend suggesting earlier when I saw him that he would buy me a beer, and for that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my friend’s words that suggested I allow him to buy me a beer, to the extent that I believed within myself that this is really what I wanted to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how easily I can be influenced by words in this world when I am not standing one hundred percent within self-honesty and self-trust as who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity and importance of standing clear with the words in my vocabulary, so that I may not be influenced by others activating energetic polarities I’ve embedded within words, through my own doing, to act in ways that is not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘Beer’ with positive energy, where “having a Beer” or “getting bought a Beer by a ‘Friend’” is experienced as an apparently Positive, good feeling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, despite charging ‘Beer’ with positive energy, the actual physical effect it has on by body when I drink too much or am not in a stable position to drink the Beer in front of me= is actually Negative, and so indicate much Self-Dishonesty that I am able to be influenced by the single utterance of the word ‘beer’ to do something Self-Abusive beyond understanding and Reason, when the simple common sense of the abusive potential of Beer is Here and understood by All quite easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before I have even begun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit before I stood up in self-honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the apparently limited circumstances through which I must prove myself worthy of Life by Standing As What’s Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the reason why I must prove myself worthy through limitation is because I have abused life and so, in order to access infinite self-expression, I must prove myself through the trail and error of limitation, where the outfall of my abusive behavior is contained until I have transcended abuse as one as all as Equal.

When and as I see myself tempted by the positive energy of pleasing another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that self-Honesty is far more important than people-Pleasing. However, I see that I have been living people-Pleasing as an adaptive response to my environment, and it will take work to Transcend people-Pleasing as a self-abusive behavior.

I commit myself to not please Others when it equates to Self-Abuse

When and as I see myself blame others for my Self-Abuse, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that once I have abused myself, it is too late for Me. I acknowledge that I enter into the realm of Self-Obliteration when I abuse myself and there is no-one and nothing that can Save me from this Reality. I see, realize, and understand that the Consequences of my Self-Abuse will stay with me Forever- there is no undoing the past. Thus, I see that the best cure is prevention of self-abuse. I matter.

I commit myself to stop self-abuse before it starts, by living in Breath as what is best for All.

Day 73- Coming to Terms

My life is such a complete fuck-up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck myself up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist conflict because of fearing conflict and because I want to be liked.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that fearing conflict implies I am not stable.



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing conflict to justify resisting conflict, instead of remaining stable within who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that wanting to be liked implies that I am obsessed with an image of myself as someone who is liked.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked- instead of creating myself as living words as what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that fearing conflict and wanting to be liked indicate that I am not real as who I am in every moment of breath.

Day 71- Exploring Self-Responsibility

I have noticed a tendency within me to want to cover all bases in terms of my self-development so that I don’t have to have uncomfortable interactions with the people in my environment. I want to know myself and how mind consciousness systems in general, work, so well that no unforeseen circumstances can come up within which I don’t already have the answer. I suppose common sense would have informed me that “nothing good comes easy” and to avoid difficult situations in my life is an unrealistic goal. This hasn’t stopped me from experiencing the desire to bypass difficult situations and sort of just ride this wave of positive energy where I don’t experience discomfort or come into conflict with my environment.

Self-forgiveness



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to avoid uncomfortable situations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my desire to avoid uncomfortable situations comes from comparing myself to others who I perceive as having easier lives than me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not gifting me an ‘easier’ life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for ‘forcing’ me to experience uncomfortable situations by some shortcoming of their own, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have created myself into the situation and person I am today, and so all experiences I have have been created by me and are my responsibility alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not deserve to speak up for myself when I am uncomfortable with some aspect of a situation, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that my perspective is valid and I have a right to communicate my problem with a situation

Self-corrective statements

When and as I see myself desire to avoid uncomfortable situations, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that pain and discomfort are teachers, and that repressing my impetus to say/do something about the situation is not an acceptable solution which is best for all, but rather allows the situation to continue without anyone taking responsibility for it

When and as I see myself not realize that my desire to avoid uncomfortable situations comes from comparing myself to others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that regardless of the different backgrounds each person comes from, I am still responsible for directing situations that happen to me to an outcome that is best for all

When and as I see myself blame my parents for ‘forcing’ me to experience a difficult situation, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am responsible for the situation I am in today, as I am responsible for me

Self-commitments

I commit myself to allow pain and discomfort to be teachers

I commit myself to direct situations to an outcome that is best for all

I commit myself to live the understanding that I am responsible for me in every moment of breath

 

Desteni.org

Day 67- Redefining and Living Apathy (A-Path-I-See)

The process I used to explore this word can be found here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18230

Self-Allocation

For me, I can remember developing a certain sense of apathy in my childhood in relation to my younger brother. He would go to extreme ends in attempting to gain my attention and eventually I learned to ‘block him out,’ so to speak. This sense of carelessness became a bit of an energetic fix of more-thanness whenever he would be acting sporadically and I would sit there, calm, grounded, having already decided I was going to ignore him. The more he thrashed, the better I felt, as I knew my lack of reaction was only winding him up more. Another memory I have related to the word apathy is when I received a compliment in high school from a popular girl who implied I just didn’t seem to care about things. I agreed with her assessment and felt a positive energy when she said I didn’t care. Thus, I have come over time to charge this word, apathy, with positive energy. 



Dictionary Definition


1. lack of feeling or emotion : IMPASSIVENESS
    // drug abuse leading to apathy and depression
2. lack of interest or concern: INDIFFERENCE
    // political apathy

Sounding of the Word

A-path-I-see



Investigating the word

I have developed a positive polarity in association with the word apathy as I learned to express indifference to my little brother and my mother’s erratic behavior growing up. This continued into my school days as I often got in trouble for showing indifference to my teacher’s and my mother’s expectations of me. Once I started using drugs, I enjoyed the apathetic feeling I experienced while under their influence, as if the world and it’s problems didn’t matter. Eventually, I came to lack total interest or concern with anything except for drugs, as I saw the world as a hopeless place and had little interest in politics. This apathetic feeling I kept reaching for made me feel separate from the world around me, in a way that made me feel superior. Instead of learning to work with the system, I just rejected it, justifying my apathy with self-righteousness.

It’s interesting that the dictionary definition gave an example of drug abuse leading to apathy and depression, as that’s exactly what happened to me. I chased that feeling of apathy as separation and more-thanness in relation to the world around me, a feeling that drugs helped me to achieve. However, the combination of the drug abuse and re-charging the emotional experience of apathy over and over again led to depression, which to me is basically the experience of inescapable apathy. While getting high and feeling separate from the world and my own problems was originally a choice I made, once I became depressed, I was basically at the throes of my own negative emotions. Apathy came to me without choice, even when I wanted to do things that I enjoyed. Thus, by positively valuing apathy, I eventually created like this giant inescapable experience of apathy towards everyone and everything in this world. And I really got very deep into it! I ended up homeless, completely cut off from everyone in my past life, even my parents, just experiencing pain and indifference over and over again without even understanding how I had created this experience for myself nor how deeply embedded within it I truly was. 

Within the word ‘apathy’, I see the sounds ‘A path i see’. Even still, to this day, I tend to react to my problems or difficult experiences within apathy, where I even have caught myself at times saying ‘I just don’t care’ when faced with an uncomfortable experience. What I have really thought / decided within myself even previous to this statement, however, is “I can’t do this.” Within the sounds I see in the word, what if, instead of thinking ‘I can’t do this’, and then justifying/trying to soothe myself within the maelstrom of negative emotions/the actual, real problem still existing in my world within the statement as energetic experience of “I don’t care”, I stopped, took a breath, slowed my world/reality down for a moment, and said “A path I see”. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I can’t do this” when confronted with a difficult situation/problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then justify my reaction of “I can’t do this” with/within the energetic experience of “I don’t care about this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into the experience of blame for experiencing the difficult situation in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the positive experience of apathy is the other side of the coin of the negative experience of blame/jealousy that other’s are not apparently forced to experience the same plight to which I have been subject, and that these two energetic experiences compliment/balance out each other to create and maintain the entire energetic personality activation when a difficult situation causes me to have the thought “I can’t do this”. Further, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that this personality experience as the oscillation between positive feeling and negative emotional energy is designed to keep me trapped in energy / distract me from the actual issue at hand that I am not moving myself to effectively find solutions for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the entire energetic personality system is already activated as soon as I have the thought “I can’t do this” and by the time I notice that I am in positive feelings of apathy/negative feelings of blame/self-pity/comparison/blame = it is already too late. 

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the positive feeling of apathy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that apathy is the outflow of giving up, where I instead seek positive energetic fixes through distracting myself from the triggering issue/event that “I don’t care about”.  I am not apathy, I am not an energy that keeps me distracted and limited in my reaction to a problem in my reality.

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the negative emotion of blame, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that blame is used to justify my apathy so that I can keep going back and forth between positive and negative energetic experiences in my mind, not seeking solutions and acting in reality to create solutions. I am not blame. I created the problems that caused this Particular Mind Construct to activate, I am response-ABLE to fix them.  

When and as I see myself react to a problem within the thought “I can’t do this,” I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a thought indicate I am in my Mind, experiencing energy resourced from the physical, essentially Self-Abuse. I am not the Mind. I can create and implement solutions to a problem as it is presented to me. I am not Self-Abuse.



I commit myself to create and implement solutions that are Best for All.

Day 66- Self-Forgiveness on Placing my Power in Another

Many moons ago, I fell in ‘love’ with a person who I believed granted me access to things I simply would not be able to discover without this person in my presence. It is true that I discovered possibilities I hadn’t thought of before I met this person. However, I came to put A on a pedestal because I had the belief that I wouldn’t be able to continue to access these unknown, apparently ‘extraordinary’ things without being around them.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can only access ‘extraordinary’ things when in the presence of A

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A is more-than others because I discovered these things about myself in their presence and therefore they must be imbued with ‘special’ powers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A has ‘special’ powers- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that these things I accessed within myself are simply ‘Words’- words, which can be accessed and lived by anyone who has the vocabulary to access them

I forgive myself therefore for placing my power to access words outside of myself, in A, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have the power to access and live words within myself, if only I applied the process of redefining words into a form I can stand with/as into infinity and committing myself to live them

When and as I see myself place my power to live words outside of myself in an ‘other’ ‘out-there’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the power to live words lies within me, I am the arbiter of my destiny within redefining the words that constitute my participation in this reality and choosing to bring to life new words.

I commit myself to redefine and live words that are best for all

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 62- Fearing Sleeping

Today there was a moment where I could see that what I was on my way to do wasn't what was best for me, but I continued on to do the thing I had set out to do anyway. I can see that the original thought to do the thing was tied to a habitual behavioral pattern that is not best for all, but I interpreted the self-honesty to stop/change what I was doing as "intrusive".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the budding expression of self-honesty as intrusive because it apparently contradicted my previous thought that I wanted to do the thing I was on my way doing.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not realize that experiencing the self-honesty impulse to STOP is actually my self-expression trying to "poke through" whereas the original thought to do the thing was a) aligned with a habit that is b) not best for all and my suppression of STOPPING in that moment was actually me as the mind wanting to "cling" to my unconscious behavioral pattern of taking caffeine at night when it will affect my sleep and through off my rhythm making it difficult to participate normally during the day.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this thought is an extension of my mind and not what is best for all/self in a moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that the thought "it's too early to sleep, I should go get a diet Coke" is not as innocent as it seems- as it happened in the evening and has had repercussions lasting into the early morning in terms of me not being able to sleep. The seemingly INNOCENT enjoyment of a coke that late in my day/evening has consequences lasting for the 12 hour half-life of caffeine. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very thought of not wanting to sleep is = avoiding a negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleeping too early in the night as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that defining sleeping too early in the night as negative implies that I fear waking up too early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up 'too early'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing waking up 'too early' implies that I believe I will have nothing to do if I wake up early in the morning when nothing is apparently going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have nothing to do early in the morning- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding there are plenty of activities I can do early in the morning.

When and as I see myself go into the experience of tiredness and then react to that within 'it is too early/late to sleep', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I must check in with myself during such times and listen to my body- if it needs sleep and I can afford to get some rest, then I can let my body rest.

When and as I see myself react to sleepiness within 'I should get some caffeine, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are certain situations where taking caffeine will/could/might affect my ability to sleep during 'normal sleeping hours' lol, and so I can/should take that into consideration when considering taking caffeine to fend of tiredness.

When and as I see myself fearing sleeping in case I should 'wake up too early', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that 'waking up too early' is/has been defined by me through my mind and, as long as I am getting the proper amount of sleep, there is always something I can do/be doing, regardless of the 'time' I might have to do it.

I commit myself to let my body sleep when/if it needs to sleep

I commit myself to consider the time of day when considering taking caffeine; if it's too late and I don't want to be up late, I commit myself to not partake of caffeine

I commit myself to realign my relationship with activities/tasks to being effective/productive and not define my willingness/appropriateness of doing the task by the time of day.


Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 61- Coming to Terms with Narcissistic Abuse

Coming to terms with the fact that my life is ruined because of my choice to interact with a narcissist and buy into her insinuations that she is there to help me. It is easy to blame this person for wasting my life, but I participated with/as her in the ways I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moments of change during times of conflict because I fear the unknown and because I am not secure in who I am within the world system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing the unknown implies I cling to the known

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing the unknown to justify avoiding change in moments of conflict, instead of seizing moments of conflict as opportunities to change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that not being secure in who I am within the world system implies that I haven’t created my change into placing myself as who I am within and as the world system, taking into consideration the principle of being in the world, but not of the world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system- instead of creating financial stability for myself step by step

Suggest to check out DIP Lite- a FREE online course w/buddy
Desteni
Destonians.com- Destonian Social Network
7 Year Journey to Life- The 7 Year journey to life
Equal Money System- Investigate the proposal for a new economic system to be implemented worldwide in years to come
Living Income Guaranteed- The first step in that economic system
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every question answered for Everyone

Day 58- Hurry Up!

So a trigger point is when someone isn’t moving quickly enough for me. This stresses me out.

 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, because of believing I am better than that person and because I am afraid of becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by the person.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am better than the other person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that believing I am better than the other person implies I am in the mind, not here in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use believing I am better than the other person in my mind to justify becoming stressed out when someone doesn’t move quickly enough for me, instead of slowing down to be here, in physical reality, by breathing and coming back into my physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing becoming diminished if I allow myself to be affected by another person implies that I have been living out this fear reaction for a long time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming diminished by another person if I allow them to affect me -instead of directing myself within common sense in every moment of breath

Day 57- Part 4- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as separate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as more than


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must take full responsibility for who I am in every moment of breath, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand in equality with my world and my environment in every moment of breath, but to instead go into the mind in separation where I can define myself as special, different, more than, or less than another, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that the very person I am defining myself in relation to is: a part of me in oneness and equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the equality part of the oneness and equality reality, where I accept the oneness of existence and reality without considering the equality that must be cherished within each being existent in our shared reality, where it is the absolute manifestation of spite and hatred to consider myself as more valuable than another being, simply because I have defined myself as such within my mind, being, and body, not considering that: we have all been gifted life equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than within a self-definition of mental illness, where I secretly, within myself wanted to be more than others, but when I couldn't get my way, I descended into the depths of the darkness available within me, programming myself in despair, self-pity, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-abuse, manifesting myself as the very realization of less-than so I could hold another in spite

Investigative links:
Desteni.org
DIP Lite- FREE online course w/Buddy
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every Question Answered

Day 52- Physical Trumps Energy

I realized that I was sort of aligning myself with the entire existence and always forcing myself to be at the cutting edge of whatever was happening. Within this, was a sort of competition, where what I really wanted was to feel important, like I was needed, and in so doing exposing a point of lack; I felt like I needed to compensate for other areas in my life which need work: getting a stable job, getting a Life Partner, building effective relationships. I thought and believed that if I could make myself stand out through going interdimensional, that would compensate for the areas in my physical life where I lacked. Of course, this goes back to childhood trauma and not recognizing my value as a physical being, so there are a whole lot of issues there to open up. But my solution to my problems was not sustainable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting a job and sticking to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing getting and sticking to a job implies that I have defined getting and sticking to a job as negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define getting and sticking to a job as negative

When and as I see myself go into a negative emotional reaction towards getting and sticking to a job, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that getting and sticking to a job is essential to support my life on Earth. 

I commit myself to get and stick to a job

Day 47- The New Normal, Just Like the Old Normal

What with the COVID-19 crisis and the "new normal" we are experiencing on a worldwide scale, I, myself, am experiencing a shift in my personal process that I thought would benefit from a share. So, I am opening a new thread to start writing, here, as I am. Thanks for reading.

Currently, I am in a difficult situation, although that is relative considering the horrors some in this world currently face. However, I am in my own personally difficult situation, and that is what is relevant to me, it's what I have to work with, and it's what I can actually DO something about, so it's not to belittle my own situation despite the fact that I am not immediately faced with dying for lack of water or something like that.

Before this COVID-19 crisis, I had already faced a number of changes in my life. I was suspended from my position at work, I moved out of the place I was renting, and I acquired and then promptly disacquired a partner (lol). This, all in probably the space of a month. It's like a part of me anticipated the coming global transformational change and started creating this crisis or that to train myself for what was to come.

However, I was prepared for chaos, uncertainty, instability, whatever you want to call the current state of this world today since a long time ago. Growing up, someone close to me was prone to EXTREME bouts of anger. There was no telling what would set them off, so basically I developed a coping mechanism of manipulation, realizing it was more important to get this person to think/believe something was true whether or not that was actually the case.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use manipulation to convince someone something is true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not developed the skill of practical application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is more important for someone to think/believe/feel a certain way than it is to directly communicate with the being to come up with a practical solution

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that constantly manipulating others to create the illusion within their minds that things are a certain, specific way compounds consequence when things aren't actually done effectively in reality

Desteni.org

Day 44- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

Understand: these are general Self-Forgiveness Statements, not necessarily directly related with my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation
I forgive myeslf that I've not allowed myself to not realize that living in separation implies that I have been living in Energy as the Mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Live in Energy in the Mind
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in the Mind as Energy despite not understanding the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not devote myself to knowing my Own Mind so Meticulously, that there is Absolutely No Point which can be manipulated by humankind to supposedly Demon-strate my weakness and therefore un-Righteousness, but instead Living a Commitment to Be my best Self to be the best Self I Can Be for ALL.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate an excuse within me, give it Energy, and thus Life, without considering the Abusive Effect this have on Life.

I forgive myself that I've Accepted and Allowed myself to have an Abusive relationship with Life.

For support:
Desteni.org
EQAFE
Desteni 'I' Process
DIP Lite - FREE course w/buddy

Day 42- Are You Directed by Money or Life?

This coronavirus lockdown is a cool opportunity to take a breath and take a moment to see where I want to move next. Yet, as soon as an opportunity to take work came up, I jumped at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by money instead of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I must direct myself within self-honesty within situations as opportunities to do so, even if/when such moments as opportunities contain within them a point of conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict with others, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I do not yet trust myself to direct the situation in a way that is best for all and so go into a reaction of suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing being hurt implies that I have put myself in a situation where getting hurt is something that can happen to me, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that getting hurt is a constant possibility as a condition of being alive. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear of getting hurt/killed as a justification for not doing what is best for all within a moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand that people may want to hurt me, but cannot actually hurt me without my acceptance and allowance.

Desteni.org

Day 41- Self-Forgiveness on Sexually Transmitted Infections

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unprotected sex with C even after I knew she had been infected with HPV
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear HPV
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear HPV because I judge those with STIs as less than
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those with STIs as less than instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that manifested consequence is here, and that we are all equal regardless of the manifested consequences of our actions, but that does not justify continuing to manifest harmful consequences
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being harmed by sexually transmitted infections
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from sexually transmitted infections here, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that sexually transmitted infections are a part of life here and must be dealt with in common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dealing with sexually transmitted infections
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry towards C for not disclosing her sexually transmitted infection to me before we had sex
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for allowing myself to have sex with C even after she told me she had a sexually transmitted infection
When and as I see myself go into blame for having sex with C after I knew she tested positive for a sexually transmitted infection, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am responsible for what I do with my body, alone, and thus cannot place the blame for having sex with C on anyone else. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame towards my decision to have sex with C even when I knew she had been exposed to a sexually transmitted infection.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that experiencing shame towards my decision to have sex with C even after I knew she had been exposed to a sexually transmitted infection implies that I seek someone else to relieve me of the responsibility/consequences of having had sex with C.

When and as I see myself moving to have sex with someone without ensuring I am properly protected from harmful consequences, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I alone am responsible for my actions and there can be no special panacea for me if I were to manifest the consequence of a sexually transmitted disease, but that I would then be responsible for living with the consequences of my actions.

I commit myself to ensure proper safety protocols are taken before I have sex again

Day 38- Ignoring Self-Honesty to Compromise My Body

This blog post is inspired by https://vixensjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2020/05/06/living-with-being-body-and-mind-417/ .

A point in my reality that keeps reoccurring is where I ignore a moment of self-honesty within myself regards my wrist. I injured it recently and while the pain isn't horrible, it's clear to me that I must be careful with using it. However, there have been two moments where I ignored an opportunity to practice self-care and went ahead and used my wrist anyway.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical body through using my wrist.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into extensive reaction after compromising my wrist/body, wherein I worried and became frustrated and angry with myself for compromising my body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that becoming agitated and upset about my poor choice was only making the situation worse.

When and as I see myself ignore a point of self-honesty within a moment as an opportunity to change, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such moments are truly blessings of a limited nature.

I commit myself to STOP within a moment and change a pattern in real time.

Day 36- Redefining and Living Illness (Part 2)

In a previous post I set about redefining the word Illness. Within the redefinition process, I realized that I did not actually want to live the word Illness, even in it's redefined sense.

A cool realization opened up within this in that: who I am is not actually Illness. Despite whatever definition I myself or others have given me, I am not Illness. Thus, while the redefinition process assisted me in understanding better how I have been affected by and even attempted to live this word, ultimately, who I am is not living the word Illness and, at this point, I have no desire to live this word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to live the word illness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live the word illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I am illness implies that I have accepted definitions from my external reality and tried to make them who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition of illness from my external reality and attempt to make myself the definition of illness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that attempting to make myself the definition of illness implies that, in place of a solid foundation of understanding words and understanding how to live ones that align with my best possible self, I chose self-limitation as illness to try to make my reality take care of me, reproducing the dependency I learned at a young age at I time when I believe I was OK.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that reproducing this pattern of illness and thus dependency implies that I have not become I-ndependent.

When and as I see myself go into a pattern of self-limitation manifested as illness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that choosing illness as self-limitation does not serve the best possible version of me.

I commit myself to choose health and self-care as the foundation of the best possible version of myself in this lifetime.

Day 35- Revisiting a Past Relationship

I started typing this out on the forum, but thought I'd share it here to increase exposure of how someone can walk out issues related to a very old memory using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-writing, and breath and change one's life for the better.

Here I want to look at a Memory I have related to a particular individual who I will refer to as A throughout this writing. During my college years, I became very close to A. We spent time together almost every week and it got to the point where I would hang out almost exclusively with him and my roommate. Eventually, I became so close with A that I began to envision myself spending the rest of my life with him. My affection for A wasn’t so much sexual, as I hadn’t had a homosexual encounter before that nor had I seen him express interest in men. I did imagine and fantasize about cuddling or at least holding each other as an extension of our affection for one another, but I left sex as something that could be a potential development in the future, if we both agreed to such a point.

When we moved in together, I was under the assumption that his feelings for me were reciprocated. We had never explicitly discussed this, but I experienced myself as psychically connected to A and believed we were on the same page. However, after we moved into the house together, it eventually became clear to me that he had no intentions of a physical relationship with me (sexual or simply affectionate) and in fact I experienced him distancing himself from me somewhat as compared to our relationship when we both lived on campus.

I didn’t know what to do at this point. 

I believed that having A be a part of my life into the future was so important, I couldn’t bear to consider the idea that I would be deprived of being the principle relationship in A’s life.

Within all this, I assumed a lot about our relationship and could have avoided years of strife and pain related to this relationship with A if I had communicated any of what I was experiencing towards him with him.

Also, I overextended myself within myself during this relationship because I assumed he would be there for me to support me and had to deal, and am still dealing with, the consequences when that support fell away.

From there, I ended up homeless and alone, partly due to the fact that so much of my world was intertwined with A's, and I simply no longer could deal with running in those circles, especially as I considered A to be a powerful figure within the scene we had been participating within.

Here, I can see that part of my identity was tied up with him and when I realized that it wasn't going to work between us, it was like a part of me was no longer being nourished. Essentially, a part of me had died.

What I didn't realize at the time, was that every part of what I experienced during those years was actually just another part of me. The potential that I believed I could only become if I was in a relationship with A (and I meant that we would be 'primary partners' who were allowed to essentially do what we want, but were emotionally and physically bonded more closely than the peripheral characters in our reality) was actually my own potential that I had mistakenly placed within the idea of A. Perhaps I was naive in becoming as vulnerable as I did, and in doing so I gave some of my power away.

When the relationship ended, it was very difficult for me to stabilize myself and figure out a healthy next move, as that overextension of myself meant that I counted on someone else in my reality to care for parts of myself that I hadn't cared for in the first place.

In a sense, really, there was a part of the relationship I had entered into quite greedily: I saw an opportunity to take too much, or more than I was capable of getting on my own, by using A to extend and expand into areas I hadn't ensured I was personally stable enough / grounded enough to reach should the support of A fall through.

This is why the relationship was so exhilarating: I experienced myself as an übermensch because this person was giving me access to things I should not have had access to and it made me feel special, like I was better than those around me. It's also why I fell so freaking hard after it ended: none of the people I left behind in my self-imagined superiority were particularly keen on helping me out once the music had stopped. I felt abandoned but hadn't realized how I had abandoned everyone when I was flying high. Then, I had to suffer the consequences of crashing hard.

I remember thinking that I had peaked and struggling with figuring out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. What do you do when you know for certain that you will never get an opportunity to fly so high and get so close to being better than so many people, especially when you have invested so heavily of yourself to get to that point? What do you do with the knowledge that you won't ever have it so good, within a system of competition, as you had it, and that if you choose to participate in that system again, everything else will be a compromise?

Well, for me, I fell into a deep depression. All of my motivation in this world simply dissipated. I continued to live in the same house as A for a while, but I stopped having fun hanging out with our old friends, in the old venues we used to frequent. Part of me understood that A was partially responsible for doing me wrong, as I knew he knew I had, albeit unspoken, feelings for him, and did things that allowed me to continue believing there was a future for us. But I couldn't understand why his life seemed to continue to go on so smoothly, as if he wasn't feeling any consequences for the part he had played in my fall, while I experienced myself as totally unsupported by the same group of people. I knew he didn't really care about these people either, we were both addicted to power and manipulation and that's why we used each other to gain the statuses we had, but for some reason he continued to be adored while I was increasingly ignored. I suspect that differences in our socioeconomic backgrounds had something to do with this situation, as people were sub- or unconsciously attracted to him as someone who came from money while I always knew I had to work harder to gain people's adulation coming from a more lower-middle class background.

Eventually, though, I just gave up. Up until that point, all the good things in my life seemed to just come to me. It was the same with my relationship with A: everything about our relationship was so easy: I don't think we ever fought in the two plus years of knowing him and hanging out on a weekly to daily basis. After our relationship fell apart, I was waiting around for the next good thing to come into my life. I didn't think I had done anything wrong and knew he was guilty of manipulating me into believing things that weren't true, so I had the belief that I had a karmic balance coming to me and would receive something equally amazing in my life to make up for what I had perceived myself as lacking in losing A.

So, I waited. And waited. And waited. And still, nothing happened. I continued working my dead end job and even though I eventually moved out of that house with A, nothing good was placed into my life to replace my relationship with A.

Yet, I still had placed my power in A. I believed that it was extremely unlikely for me to achieve anything near what I had fantasized I was capable of achieving within a relationship with A. Nobody had the right combination of a good upbringing, empathy, a rebellious and risk-taking nature, a love for psychedelic adventures, a good sense of humor, and curiosity, I believed. When I saw him eventually pair up with an otherwise remarkable woman, I knew inside of myself that he was compromising. He was hung up about the fact that we were the same gender and didn't want to go through with the relationship because he lacked the courage to deal with the social fallout of being in a same-sex relationship. I knew I was also the most amazing person he had met. And I knew that together, there would never be anything like what we could accomplish together, both for each of us individually and for the world at large. So, I had confusion about why A, who was otherwise unafraid to explore new aspects and styles of self-expression, was hung up on something that I saw as an opportunity to push the boundaries of our culture in being in a visible same-sex relationship.

And yet, he balked out of the relationship. So, I was confused, saddened, and depressed not only for myself, and not only also for him, but for the world. Our peak was also the world's peak and he backed away from it, letting it all fall down. I could not, and still do not, understand why.

But as someone who has come to study the Desteni material and specifically learned about that it means to enter into an Agreement, I am starting to realize the importance of some things in trying to build a new, healthy relationship.

Point one being Communication. While I am able to talk at length about what happened in our relationship and who was responsible for what and how we both felt about each other, all of this was gleaned psychically from A or experienced only within myself. Never, not even once, did we discuss being in a romantic relationship together. I never spoke about it with anyone else until about a year ago. So, while all that potential and the amazing things I experienced while being close with A were real, without being spoken about and agreed upon between the both of us, there was no accountability. A was able to escape the relationship without saying anything and I was left in pain without communicating, and thus receiving feedback and support, to anybody, either A or a friend or family member. The whole thing arose and fell in silence and so it was difficult for me to pin down who was accountable for what within the relationship.

Only now am I realizing what a stable Agreement between two individuals would look like, and only with the tools of Desteni (self-forgiveness, self-writing, self-introspection, breathing, and self-change), have I been able to begin to unravel just what the **** happened in my relationship with A: what was real, what I did wrong, what HE did wrong, and how I can change those things or avoid doing them again when I am ready to enter into an Agreement with another individual.

But I was lost for many years after that relationship and only by walking tools for even more years was I able to put distance between myself and that situation. Other patterns that I had been walking even longer than the things I held onto from my relationship with A have taken even longer to walk out of, so I suggest to check out the FREE online course where you'll learn the nature of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and how to effectively take responsibility for them in a way that demonstrates care for yourself and the planet as soon as possible.

You owe it to yourself to change. And the world needs you now more than ever.

Day 30- Do You Always Cancel Plans? This Might Explain Why

New post can be seen on steemit: Do You Always Cancel Plans? This Might Explain Why

Day 26- When you’re single-handedly stopping the forward progress of the physical process in your mind

Have you ever believed within your mind, within yourself, that you were somehow responsible for holding the world back? Yes, getting to learn about the mind and yourself can be overwhelming; it brings up all sorts of negative stuff inside of you that you may feel ashamed or guilty about. That’s normal.

However, at least for myself, I noticed a tendency to then go into this experience that I had so much power within my mind that I was able to, simply through thinking, project out into the universe something which was capable of stopping all forward progress towards/as what’s best for all. That somehow my fallibility is so monumental it could hurt the whole world. But let’s look at that idea: is it even true?

Within the moment it may seem like that idea is actually playing out in reality. Your mind may create 3-dimensional imagery that suggests you are doing that to world. The important thing is to stop, remember to use breathing, forgive yourself for the thought, and then continue on. You will soon realize that the idea occupying you and your mind was just that: an ephemeral thought that wasn’t actually interfering with the fate of the entire world.

That’s why it’s important to practice self-forgiveness. The more you are familiar with self-forgiveness, even in writing, the easier it will be to stop oneself in such moments. That’s why I suggest check out lite.desteniiprocess.com where you will get an online buddy who’s gone through the process themselves to walk with you as you learn about the different thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories that can occupy our minds and how to apply structured writing of self-forgiveness to recognize and thus take responsibility for these things. Sign-up for DIP Lite today or visit The forum if you have any questions!

Links for investigation:
EQAFE
Desteni
Desteni 'I' Process
DIP Lite (FREE)
Desteni forum
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