Day 77- Self-Betrayal

 Still dealing with the fallout of self-betrayal as taking in beer that I wasn’t prepared to take in.

The “interesting” thing about real self-betrayal is that the regret, shame, anger, etc. that one experiences after such a moment are real. They don’t go away. They are like markers for your soul to make sure you have some takeaway from the experience that is so horrendous you never go there again. It sucks that it happened, but if you didn’t keep those negative emotions in relation to the experience of falling, you might not remember and you might not learn from the experience to make sure it doesn’t happen again. No amount of self-forgiveness can remove these emotions- they remain with you like scars from a physical trauma. And they are experienced like a physical trauma- it’s like the body’s way of telling you to never go there again. You wouldn’t do the thing that caused your body to collect a scar which could last a lifetime- it’s the same for when you betray yourself in absolute self-abuse. Within that moment, I lost a part of myself. I will never get that back, and so, I cannot simply wish away the remembrance of that moment of self-abuse. The lesson is deeper than a simply emotional or feeling reaction to a moment in my daily life- it’s more of at an existential/beingness level where I must remember what happened through the storage of the pain as a symbolic reminder of what I- and I alone- did to myself.

Normally, when walking a process of self-forgiveness, an emotional or feeling reaction to a situation indicates a point where I must do self-forgiveness for the mind-construct to ensure I don’t timeloop into that pattern again in the future. With this type of self-forgiveness, I actually release myself from the emotional or feeling reaction within which I participated, and there is a sensation of release there when done correctly. I feel lighter afterwards. In this sense, it is a benefit for releasing myself from a less-than-optimal pattern that proves to me that the self-forgiveness is effective and therefore worthwhile. 

With a total-beingness self-betrayal, it was me as who I really am within that moment choosing to abuse myself. It wasn’t a mind construct, so I can’t forgive it to let it go and get lighter. I must keep the pain as a reminder of what I did so I never, ever do it again. Because what I was given in that moment was an opportunity to choose to transcend the mind entirely, and I chose instead to go into the mind. That choice, which I made for and as myself, was not what was best for me and was in fact self-abusive. So, I carry the wounds from that choice with me so my beingness can remember to not do that again. I wouldn’t want to forget such an important  decision through self-forgiveness.

Day 76- Self-Abuse

 I had a moment yesterday where I knew I should not have participated in a certain scenario, but I did it anyway. I went into a people-pleasing character and drank a beer that someone bought me. I knew the beer was too heavy and drinking it would lead me into a situation where I was no longer in control. I had an opportunity to refuse participating in the situation, but I allowed the thought “But then, you will have to create conflict with this person” to sneak in, and, not wanting to direct myself in self-responsibility, I accepted and drank the beer, even as I knew within myself it was a decision that was self-abusive. Immediately afterwards, I started to “feel good” as the beer coursed through my veins, and my mind offered additional backchat of “see, it was the right decision”. The combination of the chemical effect of the alcohol and the supportive (although at the same time not supportive) thoughts contributed to me staying at the bar and having another beer. I bummed a cigarette of someone. Again, I had an opportunity to not participate. Again, I doubled down because I “followed” the thought that I would create a scene/disappoint the person who bummed me the cigarette if I didn’t smoke it right then, and so I watched myself abuse myself yet again, simply by following a thought in my head I had about how another person would react to me not abusing myself.

Having now two strong beers in my system, I went home where I found my roommate drunk. Chatting with him at this point was quite fun, as we both were under the influence of alcohol. At some point, I suggested we get more beer and he agreed. So, I got more beer and proceeded to drink more beer. I cooked dinner, and then drank more beer. Eventually, I started to feel quite bad- I got the hiccups and they wouldn’t go away- I felt bloated and uncomfortable. So, I went to bed, where I restlessly browsed the internet before eventually falling asleep. Today, I woke up to my 33rd birthday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when offered a beer that wasn’t the strength I was comfortable consuming, to accept it and drink it anyway because I didn’t want to disappoint/cause friction with the person who bought it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of blame towards my world and reality for not allowing me to simply drink a beer, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that I was trying to find some justification or excuse as to why I had betrayed my self-honesty to drink that beer, why I had killed a part of myself to please another/abuse myself, with practically no benefit but to ingest mild poison into my body and talk with others under the influence of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I alone am responsible for destroying and maiming and obliterating a part of myself within that moment of accepting and drinking the beer, as nobody forced me to do it, despite my mind speaking to me, telling me that it would create conflict if I refused the beer and just went home. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there was actually an opportunity before when I accepted having a beer bought for myself to leave the situation and go home, but that I suppressed that opportunity because “this is what I apparently want to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing having a beer bought for me was “what I wanted to do” is simply a result of my friend suggesting earlier when I saw him that he would buy me a beer, and for that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my friend’s words that suggested I allow him to buy me a beer, to the extent that I believed within myself that this is really what I wanted to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how easily I can be influenced by words in this world when I am not standing one hundred percent within self-honesty and self-trust as who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity and importance of standing clear with the words in my vocabulary, so that I may not be influenced by others activating energetic polarities I’ve embedded within words, through my own doing, to act in ways that is not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘Beer’ with positive energy, where “having a Beer” or “getting bought a Beer by a ‘Friend’” is experienced as an apparently Positive, good feeling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, despite charging ‘Beer’ with positive energy, the actual physical effect it has on by body when I drink too much or am not in a stable position to drink the Beer in front of me= is actually Negative, and so indicate much Self-Dishonesty that I am able to be influenced by the single utterance of the word ‘beer’ to do something Self-Abusive beyond understanding and Reason, when the simple common sense of the abusive potential of Beer is Here and understood by All quite easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before I have even begun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit before I stood up in self-honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the apparently limited circumstances through which I must prove myself worthy of Life by Standing As What’s Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the reason why I must prove myself worthy through limitation is because I have abused life and so, in order to access infinite self-expression, I must prove myself through the trail and error of limitation, where the outfall of my abusive behavior is contained until I have transcended abuse as one as all as Equal.

When and as I see myself tempted by the positive energy of pleasing another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that self-Honesty is far more important than people-Pleasing. However, I see that I have been living people-Pleasing as an adaptive response to my environment, and it will take work to Transcend people-Pleasing as a self-abusive behavior.

I commit myself to not please Others when it equates to Self-Abuse

When and as I see myself blame others for my Self-Abuse, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that once I have abused myself, it is too late for Me. I acknowledge that I enter into the realm of Self-Obliteration when I abuse myself and there is no-one and nothing that can Save me from this Reality. I see, realize, and understand that the Consequences of my Self-Abuse will stay with me Forever- there is no undoing the past. Thus, I see that the best cure is prevention of self-abuse. I matter.

I commit myself to stop self-abuse before it starts, by living in Breath as what is best for All.

Day 75- Redefining and Living Careful

 Self-Allocation

“Be careful” I was often told during my childhood. Rarely did I want to listen. Usually, it was because I was doing something exciting or challenging and that was the expression I wanted to take. Eventually, I came to assign a negative value to ‘Careful’ because I didn’t like it being imposed upon me. Another example is when I was driving with someone in the car and they, panicking, said “Be careful!” when it wasn’t really a situation where I wasn’t “being careful.” In fact, being careful became such a negative thing in my life that I took on an entire personality of being ‘Careless,’ that eventually became ‘Reckless’ and caused a lot of consequences for me in my life.

Dictionary Definition

care·ful
/ˈkerfəl/

adjective
adjective: careful; superlative adjective: carefullest
1.    making sure of avoiding potential danger, mishap, or harm; cautious."I begged him to be more careful”
2.     done with or showing thought and attention.
"a careful consideration of the facts”

Sounding of the Word

Care-full
Care: To give proper attention to; to love
Full: To the maximum capacity; to the optimal level

Investigating the Word

When I was forced to be careful as a child, I resented that. I wanted to act as I was acting at the time, and didn’t understand fully what it meant to be careful, other than to do something in a way someone else wanted it to be done- not how I wanted it to be done. Eventually, I assigned a negative value to being careful, and expressed carelessness throughout my life. While the intentions of authority figures telling me to be careful was to avoid harm or danger, I interpreted that as being forced to do something a certain way when I was fully capable of doing it my way. However, I didn’t really consider and incorporate into my vocabulary and thus living the second definition of careful, which is done with or showing thought and attention. Very little of what I had in my childhood was explained to me as being mine and so I never had much incentive to care about the things in my reality. I was made to understand that it was my parents’ house I lived in, as if I was a guest there, so when I was assigned chores to do, I was only careful to the extent that I did a good enough job to have my work acknowledged by my parents. I didn’t understand that people were careful with their things because they cared about them and themselves and wanted to make the best out of their lives.

Creative Phase

Careful is taking care of everything in my reality without becoming overwhelmed but by exercising common sense.
Being careful is not doing things that hurt my body but taking care of the basic things in my life to allow me to live my life to the fullest extent possible
Careful is extending care to myself and others to reach my optimum potential
Careful is expressing the proper amount of care to myself and others

Final Definition

Careful is expressing the proper amount of care to myself and others



Day 74- Redefining and Living Careless

 Self-Allocation Point

I have within my life assigned a positive energetic charge to this word. This goes along with my Loser Character, where I thought it was cool to appear as if I didn’t ‘Care’. Thus, I would not brush my hair, for instance. Or, I would deliberately dress ‘messy’ to appear as if I didn’t care. I wouldn’t clean my room because I believed it didn’t matter and therefore I did not Care. When others around me have used alcohol, I’ve participated because I ‘didn’t care’.

Dictionary Definition

1.   a: free from care: UNTROUBLED
      b: INDIFFERENT, UNCONCERNED

2.   not taking care

3. not showing or receiving care
       a: NEGLIGENT, SLOVENLY
       b: UNSTUDIED, SPONTANEOUS
       c: obsolete: UNVALUED, DISREGARDED

Sounding of the Word

Care-less
Care: To give a shit about something, to give proper attention to, to treat as I would like to be treated
Less: Less than the potential, lacking

Investigating the word

I have associated a positive polarity to the word Careless as I believed it to be cool to resist what was here as the “systems that be”. I would deliberately seek to make it look as if I didn’t care about the things I was ‘expected’ to, so I could be seen as more-than or separate-from reality. I cultivated this careless character in my dress, behavior, and preferences for music.

My definition was similar to the dictionary definition, except I hadn’t considered that being careless was ‘unstudied’ as it’s really a common sense way of going about the world to care for yourself, your loved ones, and the things in your reality.

Within the sound I see the word care, which I define as to treat something as you would like to be treated, if you were that thing, and the word less, which I define as less than the potential of something.

I can see that the obsolete definition of this word used to describe the object which was receiving less than the optimal amount of care. Thus, back in the day, for example, personal hygiene could have been described as careless because it wasn’t valued or regarded. But, generally, the definition can take on two definitions: either, untroubled, or negligent. I imagine someone skipping through a meadow, unbothered by the world’s troubles as the first definition. In the second case, the more common usage I’ve come across, it’s more of a negative state, where someone is negligent in their responsibility to care for something in their reality.

Creative Phase

Careless is being free from worry because one has taken responsibility for all the things in their world which require care.
Careless is a Loser Character which pretends like they don’t care about the world but really haven’t gained financial stability within and as it.
Careless is pretending like you don’t have responsibilities
Careless is the feeling of having taken care of your responsibilities and having time to ‘play’.
Careless is neglecting to treat something like I would like to be treated
Careless is caring less than what’s required to give optimal attention to something
Careless is exerting less than the optimal effort to ensure you and the thing you are interacting with reach their highest potential.

 I am having trouble coming up with a final definition of this word, so I have placed it at the forum.  

 

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Day 73- Coming to Terms

My life is such a complete fuck-up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck myself up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist conflict because of fearing conflict and because I want to be liked.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that fearing conflict implies I am not stable.



I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing conflict to justify resisting conflict, instead of remaining stable within who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that wanting to be liked implies that I am obsessed with an image of myself as someone who is liked.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked- instead of creating myself as living words as what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that fearing conflict and wanting to be liked indicate that I am not real as who I am in every moment of breath.

Day 72- Stopping the People-Pleaser Character

The other day as I was preparing to go over to an acquaintance's house, something arose within me that told me unequivocally to "STOP! Don't go!" I could see this self-honest urge arise within me and yet, I allowed myself to go into backchat regarding going over to the person's house and suppressed the urge to offer an excuse as to why I couldn't go, even though I really needed the quiet night to rest.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not listen to my inner voice when going over to X’s, that told me to not go, because I wanted to please X by showing up, and not create conflict by telling them I wasn’t going to show up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that, within that moment, I lost myself because I wanted to “be something for someone else”, instead of listening to my self-honest inner voice which told me not to go.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into immediate backchat when I self-honestly realized I should not go over to X&Y’s, that “I had already said I was going and in fact had driven all the way over to their house” and “this self-honest moment is infringing upon my stated plans”, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I had left my own sphere/lane/self and went into “what was expected of me”, and that THAT thought was the infringement, because being self-honest is always best for all/me, and compromising that for a singular thought is compromising ALL of me and ALL of self, to appease a single thought with some energetic charge that’s sole purpose is to seduce me. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there was a positive energetic charge in “doing what was expected”/“not making conflict”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the positive energetic charge of pleasing another/others, without seeing, realizing, and understanding the nature of polarity inasmuch as this positive energetic charge was underpinned by the negative energetic charge of “disappointing others”. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disappointing others as a learned behavior from my childhood where disobeying the authority figures in my life implied consequences being imposed upon me, so that I learned to disobey my self-honesty and compromise self for the sake of pleasing another. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disobey my self-honesty for the purpose of pleasing another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen to me if I do not compromise myself to please another.

In the case of going over to X&Y’s, I actually needed the rest and to not engage in socializing, but I compromise that and thus my own health simply to avoid conflict/please another.

Self-corrective statements

When and as I see myself think “I should do this thing because it will please another”, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that it is necessary to primarily look within and cross-reference with my own self-honesty if it is something that I don’t really want to do or if it isn’t what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself compromise my self-honesty to please another/avoid conflict, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that self-honesty is telling me what is best for self and that the backchat is attempting to lure me back into the energy of my subconscious as a personality construct, where I am playing the role of the people pleaser without considering my own needs/wants of, for example, needing rest for my physical body and self in my relationship with my mind and body. 



When and as I see myself fear creating conflict by standing up as/for self, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear is simply a negative energetic charge of/as my People Pleaser personality that tricks me into gravitating towards the positive energetic charge of pleasing others without considering what is best for all life, always.



When and as I see myself drawn to the positive energetic charge of pleasing others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the positive energetic charge I get from apparently pleasing others is a momentary experience, and that when it passes, I am left with the rotten feeling of having compromised myself, not only in what I needed/wanted to do separate from the “people pleasing” behavior that I have now denied myself, but also in the simple fact that I mined my body for energy to experience that temporary energetic experience of “being a good friend” or “doing what I said I was going to do” within pleasing another, which has further consequences on my physical human body.



Self-commitments

I commit myself to flag for myself when I go into the mind as energy, beginning with a single thought as backchat, and to immediately breathe and stop the energetic experience. 



I commit myself to, when and as I see myself engaging with the positive energy of the People Pleasing character, to stop and breathe. 

I commit myself to check in with myself and ask myself if what I am getting ready to do is actually what is best for me in self-honesty and then, 



I commit myself to do only what is best for all within the understanding and realization that this includes what is best for self

Day 71- Exploring Self-Responsibility

I have noticed a tendency within me to want to cover all bases in terms of my self-development so that I don’t have to have uncomfortable interactions with the people in my environment. I want to know myself and how mind consciousness systems in general, work, so well that no unforeseen circumstances can come up within which I don’t already have the answer. I suppose common sense would have informed me that “nothing good comes easy” and to avoid difficult situations in my life is an unrealistic goal. This hasn’t stopped me from experiencing the desire to bypass difficult situations and sort of just ride this wave of positive energy where I don’t experience discomfort or come into conflict with my environment.

Self-forgiveness



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to avoid uncomfortable situations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my desire to avoid uncomfortable situations comes from comparing myself to others who I perceive as having easier lives than me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not gifting me an ‘easier’ life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for ‘forcing’ me to experience uncomfortable situations by some shortcoming of their own, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have created myself into the situation and person I am today, and so all experiences I have have been created by me and are my responsibility alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not deserve to speak up for myself when I am uncomfortable with some aspect of a situation, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that my perspective is valid and I have a right to communicate my problem with a situation

Self-corrective statements

When and as I see myself desire to avoid uncomfortable situations, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that pain and discomfort are teachers, and that repressing my impetus to say/do something about the situation is not an acceptable solution which is best for all, but rather allows the situation to continue without anyone taking responsibility for it

When and as I see myself not realize that my desire to avoid uncomfortable situations comes from comparing myself to others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that regardless of the different backgrounds each person comes from, I am still responsible for directing situations that happen to me to an outcome that is best for all

When and as I see myself blame my parents for ‘forcing’ me to experience a difficult situation, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am responsible for the situation I am in today, as I am responsible for me

Self-commitments

I commit myself to allow pain and discomfort to be teachers

I commit myself to direct situations to an outcome that is best for all

I commit myself to live the understanding that I am responsible for me in every moment of breath

 

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Day 70- Stopping Smoking (Part 1)

During this pandemic, I made the switch from smoking cigarettes occasionally to smoking them habitually, and it was a conscious decision to make that transition. Having done a lot of work on myself using the DIP Process prior to the start of the pandemic, I found myself rather bored during the mandatory lockdowns I experienced. I realized that this event was an opportunity for Heaven to assist Earth with preparing for a new future and that I was not positioned to make much of an impact on this process. Thus, I was faced with days on end of loneliness and boredom while things were shifted behind the scenes for the world to come. I had reached a point where any more work on myself would bring me needlessly into conflict with those around me/supporting me, and given the circumstances, it was not a great time for building out my social network. Thus, I made the decision to take up smoking as a way to pass the time. I justified this decision with the belief that I would be strong enough within myself when the time came to give up smoking and continue on with my process of creating myself as Life. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take up smoking because I believed I was going to be bored during the reshuffling of the universe during the pandemic.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe life is boring if I don’t smoke cigarettes. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don't have the proper support network to be able to quit smoking.

When and as I see myself go into regret because I believed I would be bored and so took up smoking, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that that decision is in the past- there is nothing I can do about it at this time. 

When and as I see myself believe that life is boring if I don't smoke cigarettes, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are many interesting things to do in life besides smoking cigarettes. I see, realize, and understand that my life can be interesting without smoking cigarettes.

When and as I see myself believing I don't have the proper support network to be able to quit smoking, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I can build a support network for making healthy decisions, but that it takes work, that I must apply myself to create such a network, that it will not build itself overnight.