Day 54- Part 2- I abused myself

I abused my human physical body. I had absolutely no respect for who I really was. Just the manifestation of self-abuse, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-disrespect. Why?

I sought validation. Validation for who I was a human being.

And, when I received none, I started to doubt my value within existence. I didn’t think I had any value within who I was within existence. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need validation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that needing validation implies that I do not value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not need myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that not needing myself implies that I don’t take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself

Day 50- Self-Forgiveness for Anger for Smoking a Cigarette

Today I had a pretty good day. I called the hotel to complain about the employee who, as it turns out, did mistreat me. It didn’t change much, but I feel better about the situation now, lol. Also, I booked a massage and was treated by a highly skilled practioner who was able to assist me in feeling a LOT better. It was funny, because I was pretty sure he was gay, but then he started talking about his girlfriend, which might have been a cover, but just goes to show you can never judge a book by it’s cover.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry with myself for smoking a cigarette, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it was a matter of really needing my fix, lol, because I simply was unable to purchase the vape pen at the store

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am going back into depression because I smoked a cigarette

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going into depression

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that fearing going into depression implies that I have forgotten the simple fact that I have lived with depression for years and years and years and so I have in fact already lived depression = definitely something to look out for, but not something to fear

When and as I see myself go into the emotional reaction of anger towards smoking a cigarette, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that at this point I have created a chemical dependency towards nicotine, and if something happens where I cannot get a replacement for my nicotine, one cigarette isn’t going to kill me.

I commit myself to purchase a vape pen

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Day 48- Angry at Myself

Last night, I was having such a good day and then a single moment seemed to derail the entire thing. I was driving along in my truck and was trying to figure out where I was going to stay for the night now that I am here in Arizona. Instead of pulling over, I allowed the sneaking thought in: what if I just search hotels quickly and started searching for hotels on my phone while driving. Of course, I veered out of the lane and while nobody was hurt, it could have been a dangerous situation. I then spent the rest of the night angry at myself for allowing a single moment of carelessness to ruin a whole day and potentially my whole life moving forward from that point.



 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for looking up hotels on my phone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret looking up hotels on my phone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energetic possession after becoming angry with myself for looking up hotels on my phone while driving, where I was agitated and regretted my decision and couldn’t think or act clearly all night

I forgive myself that I then accepted and allowed myself to not handle the situation at the hotel well, because I was so agitated and disoriented and confused from being angry and disappointed and regretful from my decision earlier to use my phone whilst driving, that I was not stable and able to effectively direct the situation within the hotel to my satisfaction, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into further frustration and regret and energetic possession after my encounter with the deskperson at the hotel, where I sped up while driving away instead of going back and having a discussion with the person, simply allowing myself to go into a giving up reaction towards the situation within allowing the thought “I’m too tired to deal with this”. I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe “I’m not good enough” to get myself established at the nice hotel. 



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