Day 75- Redefining and Living Careful

 Self-Allocation

“Be careful” I was often told during my childhood. Rarely did I want to listen. Usually, it was because I was doing something exciting or challenging and that was the expression I wanted to take. Eventually, I came to assign a negative value to ‘Careful’ because I didn’t like it being imposed upon me. Another example is when I was driving with someone in the car and they, panicking, said “Be careful!” when it wasn’t really a situation where I wasn’t “being careful.” In fact, being careful became such a negative thing in my life that I took on an entire personality of being ‘Careless,’ that eventually became ‘Reckless’ and caused a lot of consequences for me in my life.

Dictionary Definition

care·ful
/ˈkerfəl/

adjective
adjective: careful; superlative adjective: carefullest
1.    making sure of avoiding potential danger, mishap, or harm; cautious."I begged him to be more careful”
2.     done with or showing thought and attention.
"a careful consideration of the facts”

Sounding of the Word

Care-full
Care: To give proper attention to; to love
Full: To the maximum capacity; to the optimal level

Investigating the Word

When I was forced to be careful as a child, I resented that. I wanted to act as I was acting at the time, and didn’t understand fully what it meant to be careful, other than to do something in a way someone else wanted it to be done- not how I wanted it to be done. Eventually, I assigned a negative value to being careful, and expressed carelessness throughout my life. While the intentions of authority figures telling me to be careful was to avoid harm or danger, I interpreted that as being forced to do something a certain way when I was fully capable of doing it my way. However, I didn’t really consider and incorporate into my vocabulary and thus living the second definition of careful, which is done with or showing thought and attention. Very little of what I had in my childhood was explained to me as being mine and so I never had much incentive to care about the things in my reality. I was made to understand that it was my parents’ house I lived in, as if I was a guest there, so when I was assigned chores to do, I was only careful to the extent that I did a good enough job to have my work acknowledged by my parents. I didn’t understand that people were careful with their things because they cared about them and themselves and wanted to make the best out of their lives.

Creative Phase

Careful is taking care of everything in my reality without becoming overwhelmed but by exercising common sense.
Being careful is not doing things that hurt my body but taking care of the basic things in my life to allow me to live my life to the fullest extent possible
Careful is extending care to myself and others to reach my optimum potential
Careful is expressing the proper amount of care to myself and others

Final Definition

Careful is expressing the proper amount of care to myself and others



Day 67- Redefining and Living Apathy (A-Path-I-See)

The process I used to explore this word can be found here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18230

Self-Allocation

For me, I can remember developing a certain sense of apathy in my childhood in relation to my younger brother. He would go to extreme ends in attempting to gain my attention and eventually I learned to ‘block him out,’ so to speak. This sense of carelessness became a bit of an energetic fix of more-thanness whenever he would be acting sporadically and I would sit there, calm, grounded, having already decided I was going to ignore him. The more he thrashed, the better I felt, as I knew my lack of reaction was only winding him up more. Another memory I have related to the word apathy is when I received a compliment in high school from a popular girl who implied I just didn’t seem to care about things. I agreed with her assessment and felt a positive energy when she said I didn’t care. Thus, I have come over time to charge this word, apathy, with positive energy. 



Dictionary Definition


1. lack of feeling or emotion : IMPASSIVENESS
    // drug abuse leading to apathy and depression
2. lack of interest or concern: INDIFFERENCE
    // political apathy

Sounding of the Word

A-path-I-see



Investigating the word

I have developed a positive polarity in association with the word apathy as I learned to express indifference to my little brother and my mother’s erratic behavior growing up. This continued into my school days as I often got in trouble for showing indifference to my teacher’s and my mother’s expectations of me. Once I started using drugs, I enjoyed the apathetic feeling I experienced while under their influence, as if the world and it’s problems didn’t matter. Eventually, I came to lack total interest or concern with anything except for drugs, as I saw the world as a hopeless place and had little interest in politics. This apathetic feeling I kept reaching for made me feel separate from the world around me, in a way that made me feel superior. Instead of learning to work with the system, I just rejected it, justifying my apathy with self-righteousness.

It’s interesting that the dictionary definition gave an example of drug abuse leading to apathy and depression, as that’s exactly what happened to me. I chased that feeling of apathy as separation and more-thanness in relation to the world around me, a feeling that drugs helped me to achieve. However, the combination of the drug abuse and re-charging the emotional experience of apathy over and over again led to depression, which to me is basically the experience of inescapable apathy. While getting high and feeling separate from the world and my own problems was originally a choice I made, once I became depressed, I was basically at the throes of my own negative emotions. Apathy came to me without choice, even when I wanted to do things that I enjoyed. Thus, by positively valuing apathy, I eventually created like this giant inescapable experience of apathy towards everyone and everything in this world. And I really got very deep into it! I ended up homeless, completely cut off from everyone in my past life, even my parents, just experiencing pain and indifference over and over again without even understanding how I had created this experience for myself nor how deeply embedded within it I truly was. 

Within the word ‘apathy’, I see the sounds ‘A path i see’. Even still, to this day, I tend to react to my problems or difficult experiences within apathy, where I even have caught myself at times saying ‘I just don’t care’ when faced with an uncomfortable experience. What I have really thought / decided within myself even previous to this statement, however, is “I can’t do this.” Within the sounds I see in the word, what if, instead of thinking ‘I can’t do this’, and then justifying/trying to soothe myself within the maelstrom of negative emotions/the actual, real problem still existing in my world within the statement as energetic experience of “I don’t care”, I stopped, took a breath, slowed my world/reality down for a moment, and said “A path I see”. 



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I can’t do this” when confronted with a difficult situation/problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then justify my reaction of “I can’t do this” with/within the energetic experience of “I don’t care about this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into the experience of blame for experiencing the difficult situation in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the positive experience of apathy is the other side of the coin of the negative experience of blame/jealousy that other’s are not apparently forced to experience the same plight to which I have been subject, and that these two energetic experiences compliment/balance out each other to create and maintain the entire energetic personality activation when a difficult situation causes me to have the thought “I can’t do this”. Further, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that this personality experience as the oscillation between positive feeling and negative emotional energy is designed to keep me trapped in energy / distract me from the actual issue at hand that I am not moving myself to effectively find solutions for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the entire energetic personality system is already activated as soon as I have the thought “I can’t do this” and by the time I notice that I am in positive feelings of apathy/negative feelings of blame/self-pity/comparison/blame = it is already too late. 

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the positive feeling of apathy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that apathy is the outflow of giving up, where I instead seek positive energetic fixes through distracting myself from the triggering issue/event that “I don’t care about”.  I am not apathy, I am not an energy that keeps me distracted and limited in my reaction to a problem in my reality.

When and as I see myself reacting within energy to a problem/situation within the negative emotion of blame, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that blame is used to justify my apathy so that I can keep going back and forth between positive and negative energetic experiences in my mind, not seeking solutions and acting in reality to create solutions. I am not blame. I created the problems that caused this Particular Mind Construct to activate, I am response-ABLE to fix them.  

When and as I see myself react to a problem within the thought “I can’t do this,” I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a thought indicate I am in my Mind, experiencing energy resourced from the physical, essentially Self-Abuse. I am not the Mind. I can create and implement solutions to a problem as it is presented to me. I am not Self-Abuse.



I commit myself to create and implement solutions that are Best for All.

Day 40- Redefining and Living Stability

The process used in this redefinition process can be seen here: https://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=3241#p18505. Suggest to check it out for assistance in redefining and living your own words.

Gathering information stage:

Self-allocation point:

I have been, indirectly and directly, called unstable by multiple people, including myself. Thus, my allocation in relation to this word stable is that: it is not me. Going back, as class clown, the funny guy, I can see that I have always stood out, sought attention, and have never really been OK with myself as who I am within.

Early in my childhood/adolescence, I didn’t recognize the expression of stability within myself, having received chastisement/punishment for expressing myself and so never really coming to honor a core/stability within myself as a natural right to be honored for just simply being. Thus, since I didn’t recognize myself as a stable, continuous being, I didn’t honor that and was always trying to disrupt stability around me. I would act out, crack jokes, and behave in other ways which would disrupt the classroom because I wasn’t taught to value stability.

Because I wasn’t given attention at home as who I really was, I devised other ways to gain that attention. Namely by disrupting a stable atmosphere that others sought/valued. I externalized/imposed the absence of stability within myself on others. I grew to enjoy my class clown personality, as it got me the attention that I didn’t receive just for being a human being, and a child at that. It didn’t help that I was classified as a gifted child and was separated from my peers both in age and location when I skipped a grade and attended a private school.

I carried this outsider personality with me through adolescence and college, where an encounter with psychedelics only accelerated my otherness as it allowed me to gain insights and abilities that further separated me from others. Soon enough, I was having visions of being a god-sent prophet/guru charged with raising the consciousness of earth and I dropped out of college. Eventually, I found myself homeless. Alone and addicted to drugs, I was certainly the living embodiment of a lack of stability.

Unfortunately, I have ended up back with the very person who robbed me of a sense of stability in the first place. In my quest to gain stability, I have basically forgotten my entire history of living the opposite of stability and have singularly focused on this person as being THE ONLY obstacle to me gaining stability. 

Definition:

the quality, state, or degree of being stable: such as
    a: the strength to stand or endure: FIRMNESS
    b: the property of a body that causes it when disturbed to form a condition of equilibrium or steady motion to develop forces or moments that restore the original condition
    c: resistance to chemical change or to physical disintegration
2. residence for life in one monastery

Sounding of the word:

Sounds identified:
Sta
Bility



Associations identified with the sounds:
sta- stay, stable
Bility- Ability

Stay- To remain
Ability- Capacity, Skill, Capability

Creative writing:

Stability is the ability for the self-core to remain constant despite what is going on externally
Stability is the the skill of firmness that is able to be developed over time
Stability is the capacity to remain firm
Stability is the capability to remain firm when others are blown over by the wind
Stability is the ability to remain who I am even as the environment impulses me to change
Stability is the ability to remain stable regardless of what is going on

Final definition:

Stability is the the ability to remain stable regardless of what is going on


Does my definition represent what this word stands for?
Yes

Is my definition free of polarities?
Yes

Can I stand by this definition into infinity?
Yes

Day 36- Redefining and Living Illness (Part 2)

In a previous post I set about redefining the word Illness. Within the redefinition process, I realized that I did not actually want to live the word Illness, even in it's redefined sense.

A cool realization opened up within this in that: who I am is not actually Illness. Despite whatever definition I myself or others have given me, I am not Illness. Thus, while the redefinition process assisted me in understanding better how I have been affected by and even attempted to live this word, ultimately, who I am is not living the word Illness and, at this point, I have no desire to live this word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to live the word illness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live the word illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am illness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I am illness implies that I have accepted definitions from my external reality and tried to make them who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition of illness from my external reality and attempt to make myself the definition of illness.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that attempting to make myself the definition of illness implies that, in place of a solid foundation of understanding words and understanding how to live ones that align with my best possible self, I chose self-limitation as illness to try to make my reality take care of me, reproducing the dependency I learned at a young age at I time when I believe I was OK.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that reproducing this pattern of illness and thus dependency implies that I have not become I-ndependent.

When and as I see myself go into a pattern of self-limitation manifested as illness, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that choosing illness as self-limitation does not serve the best possible version of me.

I commit myself to choose health and self-care as the foundation of the best possible version of myself in this lifetime.

Day 23- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL (Part 2)

 The format I've used to redefine this word can be found here: https://juneroca.com/words/redefining-words/

Gathering information stage

Self-allocation: 

My current experience towards sex is that of suppression and avoidance. So, from a polarity perspective, sex has a negative charge. It is something I avoid. The last sexual experience I had was something I’ve defined as negative. So was the one before that.

Dictionary definition:

1. sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse
2. a person’s genitals 3. Either of the two main categories (male and female) into which humans and many other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions 4. the fact of belonging to one of the sexes 5. the group of all members of either sex 6. determine the sex of 7.present something in a more interesting or lively way 8. arouse or attempt to arouse someone sexually

Sounding of the word:

 s (quiet) ex (past lover)
sects (groups of people) s (she) ecs (environment) shecks (money) sh (quiet) ects (and so on) sex (racy)

Investigation stage

I have associated a negative polarity with the word Sex as I have come to see sex as a burden or obligation in my world. I have thus deliberately suppressed and avoided sex due to wanting to avoid the negative consequences possible by having sex. One thing where I can see my definition is different- and actually departs in a negatively consequential way- from the dictionary definition is where sex is used to define the two sexes based on their reproductive functions. Thus implies that sex is natural for either of the two sexes as it is simply utilizing our reproductive organs in a pleasurable way. So, in defining sex according to a negative charge and therefore suppressing it, I have been denying myself the natural expression of sex that is inherent in being a human male.

One more aspect of suppression here has to do with fears related to pregnancy, fatherhood, etc. In engaging in sexual activity with another, that carries a risk of pregnancy or contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Thus, I feel the need to suppress, for example, spontaneous unprotected sex due to these thoughts and negative emotions associated with for example pregnancy and disease.

Another aspect of suppression I have participated within in relates to presenting something in a more interesting or lively way where I’ve come to recognize the social tendency to use sex to sell consumer goods. Thus, I have suppressed participating in sex as something that can be enticing/racy/arousing because i have gotten too far into the mentality of rejecting anything I see as remotely morally questionable, such as sex in advertising. Within this, however, I’ve failed to realize that all of these expressions, be it raciness or arousal or enticement, are also mine to express in that they are not owned by the corporations that have temporarily utilized them to make money. In doing so, I have denied myself certain expressions just because there can be a connection made between them if they are expressed by me and the way advertisements are structured.

The consequences I have wrought through suppressing sex have been that I have denied my body the expression of sex. While I may have been successful in avoiding negative things like negative emotions, diseases, and pregnancy, I have also not been able to work through where I am in relation to these things. 

Within the sound I see s (quiet) ex (past lover). This is quite interesting considering my tendency to suppress sex as I see this as wanting to quiet the negative emotions I have attached to sex through memories with past lovers.

So i can see that sex is just a natural function of our physical bodies but I have tried to suppress it to avoid negative emotions I’ve attached to it either through personal experience or in rejecting the presentations of companies trying to make money by sexing things up. I've also suppressed sex within the guise of avoiding fatherhood and disease, although this usually comes up as backchat after I've already suppressed sex.

Creative stage

s- quiet
ex- past lover
Sex - An experience where I quiet past lovers.
An experience where I try to suppress memories of past sex acts.
The negative emotions of past sexual acts.
Creating negative consequences for myself through a natural expression of my body
Feeling like I have to use sex to create a certain experience for myself in which I must avoid negative experiences.
My sexual definition.
An experience where pleasing she in her environment is a burden
An experience that cannot be had unless I have money because a woman doesn’t want to have sex with someone without money
Something women want to engage in from an energetic form while I want to engage in it from a physical expression standpoint and thus a point of conflict in my world.

Day 22- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL

For further context for this post, see the discussion on the forum: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=36&t=8052.

Yes, I can see that the self-decision to move into/as sex is 'clouded' within other uncertainties within my life related to money. Also, not sure if there are real consequences from not having had sex for a long time that are contributing to this sense of urgency to have sex or if I've just built it up in my mind that way. I did hear in a video a while back that that the body requires sex and I can see that it could be an opportunity to ground myself here. But I feel like, compared with others who have had sex regularly/semi-regularly during this long drought for me, I am not stable and ready to move into sex with ease.

I forgive myself for comparing myself with S for whom moving into sex is apparently easy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define moving into sex easily as more than having resistance to sex.

When and as I see myself comparing myself with S for whom moving into sex is apparently easy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that we are in different places in our life such that I am dealing with the consequences of long periods of sexual abstinence and social isolation that have resulted in a built up resistance to sex. These issues are my own and I am capable of dealing with them myself. I commit myself to explore redefining sex on my own terms so that when I decide to have sex it is within the principle of what is best for all.