I started typing this out on the forum, but thought I'd share it here to increase exposure of how someone can walk out issues related to a very old memory using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-writing, and breath and change one's life for the better.
Here I want to look at a Memory I have related to a particular
individual who I will refer to as A throughout this writing. During my
college years, I became very close to A. We spent time together almost
every week and it got to the point where I would hang out almost
exclusively with him and my roommate. Eventually, I became so close with
A that I began to envision myself spending the rest of my life with
him. My affection for A wasn’t so much sexual, as I hadn’t had a
homosexual encounter before that nor had I seen him express interest in
men. I did imagine and fantasize about cuddling or at least holding each
other as an extension of our affection for one another, but I left sex
as something that could be a potential development in the future, if we
both agreed to such a point.
When we moved in together, I was under the assumption that his feelings
for me were reciprocated. We had never explicitly discussed this, but I
experienced myself as psychically connected to A and believed we were on
the same page. However, after we moved into the house together, it
eventually became clear to me that he had no intentions of a physical
relationship with me (sexual or simply affectionate) and in fact I
experienced him distancing himself from me somewhat as compared to our
relationship when we both lived on campus.
I didn’t know what to do at this point.
I believed that having A be a
part of my life into the future was so important, I couldn’t bear to
consider the idea that I would be deprived of being the principle
relationship in A’s life.
Within all this, I assumed a lot about our relationship and could have
avoided years of strife and pain related to this relationship with A if I
had communicated any of what I was experiencing towards him with him.
Also, I overextended myself within myself during this relationship
because I assumed he would be there for me to support me and had to
deal, and am still dealing with, the consequences when that support fell
away.
From there, I ended up homeless and alone, partly due to the fact that
so much of my world was intertwined with A's, and I simply no longer
could deal with running in those circles, especially as I considered A
to be a powerful figure within the scene we had been participating
within.
Here, I can see that part of my identity was tied up with him and when I
realized that it wasn't going to work between us, it was like a part
of me was no longer being nourished. Essentially, a part of me had died.
What I didn't realize at the time, was that every part of what I
experienced during those years was actually just another part of me. The
potential that I believed I could only become if I was in a
relationship with A (and I meant that we would be 'primary partners' who
were allowed to essentially do what we want, but were emotionally and
physically bonded more closely than the peripheral characters in our
reality) was actually my own potential that I had mistakenly placed
within the idea of A. Perhaps I was naive in becoming as vulnerable as I
did, and in doing so I gave some of my power away.
When the relationship ended, it was very difficult for me to stabilize
myself and figure out a healthy next move, as that overextension of
myself meant that I counted on someone else in my reality to care for
parts of myself that I hadn't cared for in the first place.
In a sense, really, there was a part of the relationship I had entered
into quite greedily: I saw an opportunity to take too much, or more than
I was capable of getting on my own, by using A to extend and expand
into areas I hadn't ensured I was personally stable enough / grounded
enough to reach should the support of A fall through.
This is why the relationship was so exhilarating: I experienced myself
as an übermensch because this person was giving me access to things I
should not have had access to and it made me feel special, like I was
better than those around me. It's also why I fell so freaking hard after
it ended: none of the people I left behind in my self-imagined
superiority were particularly keen on helping me out once the music had
stopped. I felt abandoned but hadn't realized how I had abandoned
everyone when I was flying high. Then, I had to suffer the consequences
of crashing hard.
I remember thinking that I had peaked and struggling with figuring out
what I was going to do with the rest of my life. What do you do when you
know for certain that you will never get an opportunity to fly so high
and get so close to being better than so many people, especially when
you have invested so heavily of yourself to get to that point? What do
you do with the knowledge that you won't ever have it so good, within a
system of competition, as you had it, and that if you choose to
participate in that system again, everything else will be a compromise?
Well, for me, I fell into a deep depression. All of my motivation in
this world simply dissipated. I continued to live in the same house as A
for a while, but I stopped having fun hanging out with our old friends,
in the old venues we used to frequent. Part of me understood that A was
partially responsible for doing me wrong, as I knew he knew I had,
albeit unspoken, feelings for him, and did things that allowed me to
continue believing there was a future for us. But I couldn't understand
why his life seemed to continue to go on so smoothly, as if he wasn't
feeling any consequences for the part he had played in my fall, while I
experienced myself as totally unsupported by the same group of people. I
knew he didn't really care about these people either, we were both
addicted to power and manipulation and that's why we used each other to
gain the statuses we had, but for some reason he continued to be adored
while I was increasingly ignored. I suspect that differences in our
socioeconomic backgrounds had something to do with this situation, as
people were sub- or unconsciously attracted to him as someone who came
from money while I always knew I had to work harder to gain people's
adulation coming from a more lower-middle class background.
Eventually, though, I just gave up. Up until that point, all the good
things in my life seemed to just come to me. It was the same with my
relationship with A: everything about our relationship was so easy: I
don't think we ever fought in the two plus years of knowing him and
hanging out on a weekly to daily basis. After our relationship fell
apart, I was waiting around for the next good thing to come into my
life. I didn't think I had done anything wrong and knew he was guilty of
manipulating me into believing things that weren't true, so I had the
belief that I had a karmic balance coming to me and would receive
something equally amazing in my life to make up for what I had perceived
myself as lacking in losing A.
So, I waited. And waited. And waited. And still, nothing happened. I
continued working my dead end job and even though I eventually moved out
of that house with A, nothing good was placed into my life to replace
my relationship with A.
Yet, I still had placed my power in A. I believed that it was extremely
unlikely for me to achieve anything near what I had fantasized I was
capable of achieving within a relationship with A. Nobody had the right
combination of a good upbringing, empathy, a rebellious and risk-taking
nature, a love for psychedelic adventures, a good sense of humor, and
curiosity, I believed. When I saw him eventually pair up with an
otherwise remarkable woman, I knew inside of myself that he was
compromising. He was hung up about the fact that we were the same gender
and didn't want to go through with the relationship because he lacked
the courage to deal with the social fallout of being in a same-sex
relationship. I knew I was also the most amazing person he had met. And I
knew that together, there would never be anything like what we could
accomplish together, both for each of us individually and for the world
at large. So, I had confusion about why A, who was otherwise unafraid to
explore new aspects and styles of self-expression, was hung up on
something that I saw as an opportunity to push the boundaries of our
culture in being in a visible same-sex relationship.
And yet, he balked out of the relationship. So, I was confused,
saddened, and depressed not only for myself, and not only also for him,
but for the world. Our peak was also the world's peak and he backed away
from it, letting it all fall down. I could not, and still do not,
understand why.
But as someone who has come to study the Desteni material and specifically learned about that it means to enter into an Agreement, I am starting to realize the importance of some things in trying to build a new, healthy relationship.
Point one being Communication. While I am able to talk at length about
what happened in our relationship and who was responsible for what and
how we both felt about each other, all of this was gleaned psychically
from A or experienced only within myself. Never, not even once, did we
discuss being in a romantic relationship together. I never spoke about
it with anyone else until about a year ago. So, while all that potential
and the amazing things I experienced while being close with A were
real, without being spoken about and agreed upon between the both of us,
there was no accountability. A was able to escape the relationship
without saying anything and I was left in pain without communicating,
and thus receiving feedback and support, to anybody, either A or a
friend or family member. The whole thing arose and fell in silence and
so it was difficult for me to pin down who was accountable for what
within the relationship.
Only now am I realizing what a stable Agreement between two individuals would look like, and only with the tools of Desteni
(self-forgiveness, self-writing, self-introspection, breathing, and
self-change), have I been able to begin to unravel just what the ****
happened in my relationship with A: what was real, what I did wrong,
what HE did wrong, and how I can change those things or avoid doing them
again when I am ready to enter into an Agreement with another
individual.
But I was lost for many years after that relationship and only by walking tools
for even more years was I able to put distance between myself and that
situation. Other patterns that I had been walking even longer than the
things I held onto from my relationship with A have taken even longer to
walk out of, so I suggest to check out the FREE online course where
you'll learn the nature of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and how to
effectively take responsibility for them in a way that demonstrates
care for yourself and the planet as soon as possible.
You owe it to yourself to change. And the world needs you now more than ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment