Day 76- Self-Abuse

 I had a moment yesterday where I knew I should not have participated in a certain scenario, but I did it anyway. I went into a people-pleasing character and drank a beer that someone bought me. I knew the beer was too heavy and drinking it would lead me into a situation where I was no longer in control. I had an opportunity to refuse participating in the situation, but I allowed the thought “But then, you will have to create conflict with this person” to sneak in, and, not wanting to direct myself in self-responsibility, I accepted and drank the beer, even as I knew within myself it was a decision that was self-abusive. Immediately afterwards, I started to “feel good” as the beer coursed through my veins, and my mind offered additional backchat of “see, it was the right decision”. The combination of the chemical effect of the alcohol and the supportive (although at the same time not supportive) thoughts contributed to me staying at the bar and having another beer. I bummed a cigarette of someone. Again, I had an opportunity to not participate. Again, I doubled down because I “followed” the thought that I would create a scene/disappoint the person who bummed me the cigarette if I didn’t smoke it right then, and so I watched myself abuse myself yet again, simply by following a thought in my head I had about how another person would react to me not abusing myself.

Having now two strong beers in my system, I went home where I found my roommate drunk. Chatting with him at this point was quite fun, as we both were under the influence of alcohol. At some point, I suggested we get more beer and he agreed. So, I got more beer and proceeded to drink more beer. I cooked dinner, and then drank more beer. Eventually, I started to feel quite bad- I got the hiccups and they wouldn’t go away- I felt bloated and uncomfortable. So, I went to bed, where I restlessly browsed the internet before eventually falling asleep. Today, I woke up to my 33rd birthday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when offered a beer that wasn’t the strength I was comfortable consuming, to accept it and drink it anyway because I didn’t want to disappoint/cause friction with the person who bought it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of blame towards my world and reality for not allowing me to simply drink a beer, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that I was trying to find some justification or excuse as to why I had betrayed my self-honesty to drink that beer, why I had killed a part of myself to please another/abuse myself, with practically no benefit but to ingest mild poison into my body and talk with others under the influence of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I alone am responsible for destroying and maiming and obliterating a part of myself within that moment of accepting and drinking the beer, as nobody forced me to do it, despite my mind speaking to me, telling me that it would create conflict if I refused the beer and just went home. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there was actually an opportunity before when I accepted having a beer bought for myself to leave the situation and go home, but that I suppressed that opportunity because “this is what I apparently want to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing having a beer bought for me was “what I wanted to do” is simply a result of my friend suggesting earlier when I saw him that he would buy me a beer, and for that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my friend’s words that suggested I allow him to buy me a beer, to the extent that I believed within myself that this is really what I wanted to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how easily I can be influenced by words in this world when I am not standing one hundred percent within self-honesty and self-trust as who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity and importance of standing clear with the words in my vocabulary, so that I may not be influenced by others activating energetic polarities I’ve embedded within words, through my own doing, to act in ways that is not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘Beer’ with positive energy, where “having a Beer” or “getting bought a Beer by a ‘Friend’” is experienced as an apparently Positive, good feeling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, despite charging ‘Beer’ with positive energy, the actual physical effect it has on by body when I drink too much or am not in a stable position to drink the Beer in front of me= is actually Negative, and so indicate much Self-Dishonesty that I am able to be influenced by the single utterance of the word ‘beer’ to do something Self-Abusive beyond understanding and Reason, when the simple common sense of the abusive potential of Beer is Here and understood by All quite easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before I have even begun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit before I stood up in self-honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the apparently limited circumstances through which I must prove myself worthy of Life by Standing As What’s Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the reason why I must prove myself worthy through limitation is because I have abused life and so, in order to access infinite self-expression, I must prove myself through the trail and error of limitation, where the outfall of my abusive behavior is contained until I have transcended abuse as one as all as Equal.

When and as I see myself tempted by the positive energy of pleasing another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that self-Honesty is far more important than people-Pleasing. However, I see that I have been living people-Pleasing as an adaptive response to my environment, and it will take work to Transcend people-Pleasing as a self-abusive behavior.

I commit myself to not please Others when it equates to Self-Abuse

When and as I see myself blame others for my Self-Abuse, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that once I have abused myself, it is too late for Me. I acknowledge that I enter into the realm of Self-Obliteration when I abuse myself and there is no-one and nothing that can Save me from this Reality. I see, realize, and understand that the Consequences of my Self-Abuse will stay with me Forever- there is no undoing the past. Thus, I see that the best cure is prevention of self-abuse. I matter.

I commit myself to stop self-abuse before it starts, by living in Breath as what is best for All.