Within looking up the definition of spontaneous, a key aspect of some definitions includes a sense of it being indigenous or natural, coming from within without being acted on by any other force.
Within my life, I had grown so separated from myself within my experience of the word spontaneous that I had actually grown to fear being spontaneous or at least judge myself for not being spontaneous enough and therein posing a challenge to myself to attain/be more spontaneous. Within this attaching desire to the achievement / status 'spontaneous', I had separated myself completely from the word, experience all sorts of negative energy when I received this word, where I would go into this sort of anxiety experience where I'd get all agitated about wanting to achieve spontaneity, appear 'cool' and 'loose' to others, immediately judging myself and comparing myself to others based upon my perceived level of being spontaneous.
This is why it is interesting to me that many of the definitions that come with spontaneous come with some sense of being indigenous. See, I had become so twisted and messed up around this word that I'd created enviable people within my mind who'd I projected positive attainment of spontaneity upon, who were just more spunky or open/extroverted than me. This would feed my positive energetic charge in me, as I watched actors or musicians achieve a sublime level of spontaneity, in my belief and thought, and I would just sit there and watch them and get all positive feelings from seeing them achieve spontaneity.
I likened charisma, or spontaneity, with being an acquirable skill or natural talent that I just did not have. I admired it in others. Part of me thought there was some of it in me, but the barriers I created within my Mind were just too severe to allow myself such access to Freedom.
However, when you realize the nature of Self-Expression as originating in just that: the Self, it becomes obvious that acting in accordance with what you feel/desire within the moment is not some special skill of manipulation or trick of the eye, it's a real, naturally-occuring, God-given expression welling up from inside of you. When you cry, you are overcome with emotion yet it feels healthy, like a release when you finally let go. That is spontaneous. Crying may be embarrassing at the time, but it feels natural.
What's scary is realizing how much you are somewhere else when you aren't being spontaneous. Where are all those hours of a day where you aren't doing what is natural or feels good/right in the moment? I mean, surely we must be here in some sense, but certainly it's frightening to think about those moments wasted when we are off in fantasies of the mind flirting with images, feelings, ideas, thoughts, etc. instead of expressing ourselves, real Here, within the moment.
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