Thursday, November 3, 2016

Day 14- On letting the dichotomy of life get you down

It's not about love or fear as a dichotomy that paints your life into one of two directions. Such a philosophy, found commonly in organized religions, leaves the practitioner with only two choices. He or she can either be Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong. Politics does the same thing.

I mean, if creating something you love is part of your life, then by all means pursue that. But there's no need to stress oneself out about whether or not one is actually pleasing those you love, recognizing such a thought or desire as originating in our MINDS. If there's one thing I've learned it's to be utterly dubious about all things that seemingly come from the mind: they may benefit from some self-examination and introspection.

Wisdom is essentially waiting for the right time to act upon something.

Courage is execution.

Wisdom comes from discipline but patience can only get you so far. Courage is what it really takes to make your mark on the world.

HOWEVER, these words are ultimately just that: the real truth of self is to express oneself using Sound to communicate. No need to stress about it.

The Realization of this role of responsibility need not be self-limiting within a dichotomy of right or wrongs with much at stake. Rather, realizing the expression of yourself as words is your birthright. Yes, doing so can be like a sacred form of giving, but all are equally responsible for what happens here.

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Sunday, October 30, 2016

Day 13- Resisting the Now

A point that has been coming up for me lately is that of resisting taking advantage of opportunities to create change as they present themselves within a specific moment.

First, I will give some background to provide a frame of reference for what I will be discussing in this post. Having walked with Desteni for 5 years now, I have learned how the negative systems of greed, corruption, and violence we see around us are actually reflections of the contents of our own minds. As without, so within. Another dimension of this is how much of our participation in this world is dictated by sub- and unconscious aspects of our minds such that a majority of our behavior is controlled by aspects of ourselves-as-our-minds of which we are not even aware. It can be quite depressing to realize not only the extent to which the problems of the world are due to our participation in our minds, but how much of our minds we have yet to explore or understand. The result is that the world overall as the systems of profit and survival as well as all of the individual humans 'participating' within it- has become quite limited in terms of the possibilities for change.

The human mind has been deliberately programmed in such a way as to vehemently resist any threats to the current operating systems. As a result, opportunities for change only afford themselves occasionally. Furthermore, and this is where reactions come up for me, such opportunities are always conditioned by the limitations presented by the world. Truly, being an agent of change in the World System is not a fun or ingratiating task but rather requires intense discipline as well as the courage to follow up on the opportunities for change such discipline can create.

There is a part of me that just wants to whine about how capitalizing on such opportunities requires giving up so much, even when doing so would benefit the world as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the moments-as-opportunities that open up as limited wherein I go into a moment of self-pity as in "Why me? Why should I be the one to have to seize on such limited moments to make such limited change?"regretting even the steps I have taken to get to the point where such opportunities are available to me.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that such thoughts are indications I have already fallen on and resisted a point and am merely experiencing backchat as my mind's way of trying to take me even further from the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize the limited nature of these moments-as-opportunities as an excuse to not seize them, creating Blame towards others for contributing to the limited nature of such moments without implicating myself in participating in the creation of the limited situation on Earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take responsibility for creating change within the context of what is HERE, regardless of the consequences that have already been wrought.

When and as I see myself go into judgement about the moments-as-opportunities that open up within this world to create change, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that this judgement is a form of backchat within my mind, indicating I have deviated from the Physical, here, and so I allow myself a moment to slow down and realign myself with the Physical. I commit myself to flag such thoughts as indications of backchat and thus transform them into opportunities to re-ground myself.

When and as I see myself blaming others for the limited nature of opportunities for implementing change into the system, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such blame is a form of abdicating responsibility and thus I commit myself to take responsibility for capitalizing on opportunities for change as the Limited World System presents them, walking this not-so-pretty Process until Heaven on Earth is realized for All.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Day 12- Hesitation & Eternity


This word has a strongly negative connotation within my memories. In particular, the lyrics “When the moment comes, you cannot hesitate” come up. The experience of myself of this word has to come to making big, life, changing decisions. Interesting, I was about to write life-defining decisions, but then I had a moment within that where I realized that nothing is really ever set in stone, and that, despite the elevated place we give such big decisions within our minds, all we can ever really do is change. While changes are like definitions, it’s ultimately always up to us whether or not we keep such changes or the consequences they create within us. Anyway, back to my point, which is that this word hesitation, as negatively defined within my mind, has become and caused quite a conflict. Interesting how one thought can create so much strife.

This is why you should check out DIP Lite - the free online course w/Buddy- where you will learn the origin and nature of thoughts, how they affect you and your life, and how we can come to forgive the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that hold us back from our full potential, and how to use the living word to script a change in our lives that leads us further from negative consequences and towards becoming more effective human beings.

For more on living words, check out SOUL- The School of Ultimate Living.

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Sunday, September 25, 2016

Day 11- Projecting Weakness = Fearing Weakness

I realized that I hold a judgement of another as weak. What this person is reflecting back to me is my own resistance to standing up/speaking out in my reality where I shirk from opportunities to stand up to others in my reality or stand up for myself. Then, I project this resistance on another and start to judge and blame them for not standing up to the person I didn't stand up to in my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to person X.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for person Y to stand up to person X and, when they don't, to judge them as weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear weakness within myself due to and because of comparing myself with others within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself with others within my mind, wherein I categorize those who are strong as better than those who are weak, ignoring the patterns and relationships that cause some to be weak and some to be strong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe 'strong' people are better than 'weak' people.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Day 10- Rejecting Sex Personality

A point came up in my reality that wasn’t really a negative point or a positive point, but simply provides a lesson on my approach to a certain taboo subject: sex.

With this point I commit myself to exploring and expressing sex as a healthy, normal part of human functioning, but not to allow and accept myself to suppress and deny myself sexual experiences by going into thoughts as the mind wherein I activate the Rejecting Sex Personality. Here, I will deny myself sexual opportunities as they arise simply due to an engrained pattern of denying myself sex. I can see that this point of denying myself sex is connected to and related with my defining sex as more-than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as more-than wherein I seek sexual experiences expressly for the purpose of comparing myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself not realize that rejecting sex is my reaction to fearing being rejected in a sexual experience I might like to have. At the same time, I see and realize that it is only I can that move myself to create (or not create) a sexual experience with another, if only by initiating and carrying through with it via direct verbal communication.

Thus, another dimension of all this is the fear of actually following through with fulfilling my sexual desires and thoughts. Somehow along the way- I accepted and allowed myself to compartMENTALize sexual thoughts/behavior within sex systems and thus lost my way in owning and allowing myself the space to express sexual thoughts and behavior. It says something about the pervasiveness of sexual repression in society that a lot of my sex-denying behavior is sub- or un-conscious.

And with sex, its not so much my denying myself a positive experience, but it actually feels bad afterwards, like a lost opportunity that I purposely sabotaged myself from having. I believe there are long term consequences for this kind of sex avoiding behavior, as well, and do not with to reap such consequences in my life.

I’ve made receiving sex a big thing, wherein receiving it was connected to my self-esteem, wherein I defined being someone who receives regular sex is better than someone who eschews such behavior, as if it made someone more normal or more powerful or more bold. Thus, when opportunities actually come up to express myself sexually, I denied myself also those parts of myself that I have defined as connected with being someone who has regular sex.

I commit myself to not engage in sex from the starting point of wanting to compare myself to another, but to instead redefine sex for myself as a natural outflow/expression of myself, one which I am allowed to explore and apply in my reality without fearing backlash in the form of judgements from either myself or others.

I commit myself to decouple sexual expression from society’s definition of such, to instead explore and learn about and own my own sexual expression- one that I am ok with and comfortable inhabiting.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Day 9- When Process Threatens to Expand Outside of Yourself

What I have been resisting in my reality is communicating in a timely fashion. This is where I have no control over the situation/circumstances within which I find myself and yet the point arises where if I were to be self-honest, I would know what to do. What generally happens is that I resist doing the self-honest right thing to do, sometimes experienced by me in the form of needing to speak up/out to someone my reality. Instead, I will resist and resist this point until it passes. Despite the negative feedback I’ve received through such behavior, it seems as if my preprogramming has predisposed me to resist communicating in ways that will bring about substantial change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist acting on points that involve directing another in my reality, because of fearing retaliation and fearing what would come after acting on such a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the belief within me that I shouldn’t be responsible for acting on points that could direct another in ways that wouldn’t have otherwise considered, due to and because of a belief within me that everyone is on their own in this world and thus helping others should come with some sort of financial or social benefit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear retaliation when directing another in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself not realize that fearing retaliation when directing another in my reality in ways that is best for all implies that I haven’t actually taken on this point for real, but instead of projected my fears and desires on such a point without ever actually having walked it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing retaliation for directing another as myself in this reality to justify resisting acting on points that involve directing another in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what comes after directing another as myself in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing what comes after directing myself as another in my reality implies I am utilizing future projections as an excuse to not take even the first step in walking as what’s best for all, essentially sabotaging my entire process before I even let it begin.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what comes after directing another as myself in my reality —instead of utilizing breath to make sure I am grounded and prepared to take on such a point so that what comes next isn’t negatively consequential but is simply continuing to move into the next point, taking it on, and continuing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that fearing retaliation and fearing the future indicate that I am only in this process for myself.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Day 8- Are We Ever Really Owed Anything?

Today, I faced the experience of needing to stand up for myself on a certain point or at least direct myself in order to bring the point into reality. Unfortunately, I really needed this point and, after not standing up when I had the opportunity, I am now in a position where I still haven’t done what’s needed to bring stability or what’s best for all through into life. 

As those that’s walked the Mind know, the other thing that happens when you fall on a point is the flood of emotions and thoughts in the form of justifications or excuses that follow as to why you shouldn’t have had to face the point or why the conditions weren’t ‘correct’ for you to have taken advantage of the opportunity. In my case, I am specifically dealing with the point of needing to bring stability through in my life as someone who has dealt with mental illness for a long time. Thus, the excuse has come up within my mind that ‘I shouldn’t have to fight/act/struggle to bring through this point for myself but other people/my family should assist me in creating this point for myself’

Child drinking dirty water

Unfortunately, as someone who hasn’t always had the gift of the best support in my life, I’ve learned the hard way that life owes me nothing and its unlikely to afford me even those things all humans would ideally take for granted such as, in my case, stability in terms of access to resources and the time and space necessary to ground myself and move forward with making a decision for myself within common sense principles. Instead, what I’ve experienced within myself is this constant and continuous pushback from reality where nobody was ready and willing to move forward with me as an ally when I was healthy and, now that I’ve experienced a setback, instead of coming to my side and rallying to assist me, even those who are “supposed” to be close to me, as well as others, are the very ones acting to prevent me from gaining any sort of comfort or stability.

Now, this is a complicated situation for me as there is also the fact that those who are close to me and have an idea related to what I’ve gone through also are not equipped to understand/deal with/process what it means for me to have a mental illness. I mean, these are people who weren’t prepared to assist me in my life journey when I had great potential as an extremely intelligent and relatively healthy being- it would be unrealistic for me to expect that they would be prepared to assist me in getting back (at least some, if not all) of that potential from the compromised state I have gotten myself into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the excuse ‘I should not have to stand up for myself’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world or the people in it must give me the experience of stability.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, in believing the world must give me the experience of stability, I am ignoring not only the ridiculousness of any such belief that someone else must give me anything, but also disregarding the fact that millions of people are in similar if not ‘worse’ situations inasmuch as they lack access to even the basic healthcare, food, or water they need to even continue living.

This is not to diminish the reality of mental illness and the grossly inadequate preparedness of human beings in this world to understand mental illness and assist those suffering from its related problems. However, it is important for me to put into perspective that the stable reality I am seeking is also one that is propped up by the money system and requires me to become a have in a world of have-nots. If anything, this only reinforces the ridiculousness of expecting ANYTHING from other people, as these people are the same who would not budge from their positions of privilege to even support those who are starving at this very moment.

There is assistance and support available in this world for people who wish to walk a journey of self-honesty:

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Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Day 7- Obsessive Compulsive Handwashing

A recurring experience that I've had in my reality has to do with obsessive compulsive tendencies. These tendencies are actually a new development as I've never before been so obsessed with certain small aspects of my reality. In fact, as a younger person, I was quite messy and disorganized at times and certainly wouldn't be on the more obsessive spectrum of compulsiveness. Yet, here I am, finding myself bothered by many little things in my reality that didn't bother me in the past.

One example is making sure my hands are 'perfectly' clean. Thus, if I am for example washing my hands and my hand accidentally touches the inside of the sink as I am washing them, the hand washing process is ruined and I am compelled to begin washing my hands once again. When I try to resist such a compulsion, often times the idea that I should go back to the bathroom and rewash sticks with me for a long time. There have been times when I've gone back some time later just to rewash my hands so as to prevent the spread of the dirtiness within whatever activity I am doing.

Sometimes I am able to think-talk my way out of the situation by reasoning that perhaps I would only make the situation worse by going back to the bathroom, picking up some unknown bacteria that I would otherwise avoid if I just got on with my life.

It's funny, because I can think back to my childhood where my mother would constantly have to remind me to wash my hands before a meal- it's like I wouldn't even think about it. Now, it bothers me.

I can see that this obsessiveness has to do with trying to set the stage for the implementation of something new in my life, where I am obsessed with getting the starting point correct and thus, if I can leave the bathroom knowing that my hands are clean, I have set the stage for the new implementation. If I don't get it just right, its like there is no point in doing anything else because I've already begun wrong.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Day 6- Mental Illness, Homelessness, and Basic Income

A problem that I have been dealing with that also relates to the last post is that I am homeless.

Thus, its almost as if, in addition to being out of the world system, I am also unable to even use the Desteni tools. Where a Destonian would be able to ground themselves in a safe space while at home, for example, or might have access to the internet/be able to use their computer or a light to write at any time, I do not have that luxury.

The very place where I sleep it is likely not legal for me to be there, but I haven't found a better location so that's where I'm forced to stay. For purposes of wanting to keep a low profile, I've found myself having to suppress certain actions that would ground me in my body, actions that would be available to me if I had a place of my own.

It's almost harder being aware of the Desteni materials than not at this point, as it's like I am in a prison unable to use them. At least in prison I would be allowed to utilize the space of my cell to move my body as I like, instead of always crouching down to hide from others who might cause more strife to my life than already exists.

As I work on aligning the body and the mind to even make the tools of self-forgiveness and self-writing workable, it's hard to differentiate between when I am using my circumstances as an excuse through the mind and when I am actually limited by not having my own place, enough money, etc.

I see many homeless people around me- I would say the extent of the problem is far greater than many realize with countless people sleeping in their cars or under highways where they aren't always seen- but for the most part, they are just like other people. Many of them are deliberate in their abdication and just have taken their spite and refusal to stand up so far that they are having to face the extremely difficult circumstances of being homeless in order to learn.

However, there are those of us who are actually unable to work and to socialize like normal people, homeless or not, due to actual mental illnesses as misalignments in the mind-body-being relationship. For these people, there are not many options: many are simply unemployable and so are forced to sleep in the streets and rely upon handouts and whatever public assistance for which they may qualify. Even in the best case scenario, where I for example have been exposed to the Desteni material and so have an inkling of Process and what is going on, the situation doesn't get better.

So, I would say, on behalf of myself and other mentally ill homeless: please, work towards a basic income, change yourselves and thus the system into one that cares for those unable to care for themselves.  It's the only chance we've got.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Day 5- My life has seemed to come to exist in really only two modes.

The first is long periods of confusion. During these times, I am unsure as to what I should be doing and even small decisions are difficult; I find myself second guessing or changing my mind about nearly every decision I make. Unfortunately, I am so used to such periods that by this point, I realize that they are only the dark of night before the second type of mode in my life.

The second type of mode my life consists of are intermittent bursts that I call moments-as-opportunities. I can be existing in the darkness of the first type and then, all of a sudden, wham! I am hit with a moment-as-opportunity to make a change in my life. I have seized these moments more than once and both times what was required was that I continued to take specific action to follow up on the initial movement.

I resisted such actions more than once and the result seems to be that the opportunity was lost.

When I have resisted even the initial movement, what has happened is that I seem to get plunged back into the darkness (the first type of life-mode).

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Day 4- Paranoia in relation to Communication

I have had the experience of paranoia in relation to speaking to someone in my reality. This is related to me needing to do something I don’t want to do if I speak to this person, hidden as an unexpected experience that would come up after the conversation was initiated. Thus, I have avoided speaking to this person within the hope that I can avoid such a scary, unknown situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown ‘hidden’ in new situations.

When and as I see myself fear the unknown within new situations, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that every  new situation contains within it unknowns and these are opportunities for growth and change. I commit myself to engage in new situations despite the possibility for unknown and uncomfortable situations that I have defined within my mind as ‘bad’.

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Saturday, March 19, 2016

Day 3- Communication Breakdown

There is a point in my reality that I can see I could assist another being in moving away from a bad situation for them. Unfortunately, this being uses drugs and is prone to violent outbursts (emotional and physical) and has attacked me multiple times in the past. However, when I consider talking to this person about this point that he might be better off not participating within, I freeze up. I realize that this is partly because such moments have only opened up when the timing has been right where it would actually be effective and not counterproductive to speak to him about this point. Thus, I have been focusing on getting myself into a more stable position so that I can be sure that I am coming from a place that will not make the situation worse for either myself or this being.

However, I have been experiencing guilt towards moving myself into this stable position, blaming myself for not speaking up in these moments where I experienced an opening to speak to this person. I see now that these moments are showing me what is possible, and that it is to direct myself into a position of stability such that I can effectively assist another and not get hung up on emotional reactions to what I have perceived as missed opportunities to assist this being. In fact, these emotional reactions just show that, after such moments pass, even if they are opportunities and I am unable to take advantage of them within the moment, I have not established the foundation of stability within me that could lead to me being an effective agent of change within such moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for not moving myself to speak to person A in such moments as I have experienced myself as able, instead seeing, realizing and understanding that such moments are assisting and supporting me to establish stability within and as myself to then be in a position to be effective in my support for another.

I am walking a 7 Year Journey to Life, blogging regularly about my experience of myself and the Mind so as to deconstruct that which is holding me back from living here fully.

For further support:
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Economist's Journey to Life
DIP 'Lite'

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Day 2- Communication

Something I’ve faced in my world and reality is a resistance to communication. This has been built up over a long period of failing to communicate with those in my world and reality. When I have communicated, my experience has been largely negative and I’ve taken this feedback to entail that communication is/will be ineffective. A negative consequence of this is that I’ve withdrawn into myself to an extreme degree.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate from the starting point of energy as feelings / emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that, in communicating from a starting point of energy, I was seeking a reward for communicating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to communicate for the purpose of ‘enriching’ my life and so, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to redefine the word enrich to equal an outcome that is best for all.

I am walking a 7 Year Journey to Life, blogging regularly about my experience of myself and the Mind so as to deconstruct that which is holding me back from living here fully.

For further support:
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Economist's Journey to Life
DIP 'Lite'

Monday, February 1, 2016

Day 1- Negative Memories Related to Past Jobs

A point that has come up repeatedly in my life is thoughts and beliefs related to there not being a job out there that is appropriate for me. Within this I can see two points, the first of which I will address in this post and that is the Memories related to past jobs I've had that haven't worked out the way I've wanted.

I'm sure many can relate on this point as I'm sure we've all had jobs or at least experiences as moments within jobs in which things haven't gone exactly smoothly and according to plan. Whether it be a negative experience with a boss, a coworker, a customer, or simply becoming frustrated with the task at hand and doubting our ability to perform well in the job, it's likely you have a memory or memories related to these moments where things were rough. Personally, I can count many, even within my favorite jobs.

As I turn to the job market in search of another job, I've found myself experiencing the belief that I will run into the same experiences. This belief can be so overwhelming that I stop searching for a job entirely at that moment. It's like I just want to give up before I even begin. Maybe you can relate?

I am walking a 7 Year Journey to Life, blogging regularly about my experience of myself and the Mind so as to deconstruct that which is holding me back from living here fully.

For further support:
Creation's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to Life
Economist's Journey to Life
DIP 'Lite'