Saturday, September 10, 2016

Day 8- Are We Ever Really Owed Anything?

Today, I faced the experience of needing to stand up for myself on a certain point or at least direct myself in order to bring the point into reality. Unfortunately, I really needed this point and, after not standing up when I had the opportunity, I am now in a position where I still haven’t done what’s needed to bring stability or what’s best for all through into life. 

As those that’s walked the Mind know, the other thing that happens when you fall on a point is the flood of emotions and thoughts in the form of justifications or excuses that follow as to why you shouldn’t have had to face the point or why the conditions weren’t ‘correct’ for you to have taken advantage of the opportunity. In my case, I am specifically dealing with the point of needing to bring stability through in my life as someone who has dealt with mental illness for a long time. Thus, the excuse has come up within my mind that ‘I shouldn’t have to fight/act/struggle to bring through this point for myself but other people/my family should assist me in creating this point for myself’

Child drinking dirty water

Unfortunately, as someone who hasn’t always had the gift of the best support in my life, I’ve learned the hard way that life owes me nothing and its unlikely to afford me even those things all humans would ideally take for granted such as, in my case, stability in terms of access to resources and the time and space necessary to ground myself and move forward with making a decision for myself within common sense principles. Instead, what I’ve experienced within myself is this constant and continuous pushback from reality where nobody was ready and willing to move forward with me as an ally when I was healthy and, now that I’ve experienced a setback, instead of coming to my side and rallying to assist me, even those who are “supposed” to be close to me, as well as others, are the very ones acting to prevent me from gaining any sort of comfort or stability.

Now, this is a complicated situation for me as there is also the fact that those who are close to me and have an idea related to what I’ve gone through also are not equipped to understand/deal with/process what it means for me to have a mental illness. I mean, these are people who weren’t prepared to assist me in my life journey when I had great potential as an extremely intelligent and relatively healthy being- it would be unrealistic for me to expect that they would be prepared to assist me in getting back (at least some, if not all) of that potential from the compromised state I have gotten myself into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the excuse ‘I should not have to stand up for myself’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world or the people in it must give me the experience of stability.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, in believing the world must give me the experience of stability, I am ignoring not only the ridiculousness of any such belief that someone else must give me anything, but also disregarding the fact that millions of people are in similar if not ‘worse’ situations inasmuch as they lack access to even the basic healthcare, food, or water they need to even continue living.

This is not to diminish the reality of mental illness and the grossly inadequate preparedness of human beings in this world to understand mental illness and assist those suffering from its related problems. However, it is important for me to put into perspective that the stable reality I am seeking is also one that is propped up by the money system and requires me to become a have in a world of have-nots. If anything, this only reinforces the ridiculousness of expecting ANYTHING from other people, as these people are the same who would not budge from their positions of privilege to even support those who are starving at this very moment.

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