Monday, September 19, 2016

Day 10- Rejecting Sex Personality

A point came up in my reality that wasn’t really a negative point or a positive point, but simply provides a lesson on my approach to a certain taboo subject: sex.

With this point I commit myself to exploring and expressing sex as a healthy, normal part of human functioning, but not to allow and accept myself to suppress and deny myself sexual experiences by going into thoughts as the mind wherein I activate the Rejecting Sex Personality. Here, I will deny myself sexual opportunities as they arise simply due to an engrained pattern of denying myself sex. I can see that this point of denying myself sex is connected to and related with my defining sex as more-than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as more-than wherein I seek sexual experiences expressly for the purpose of comparing myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself not realize that rejecting sex is my reaction to fearing being rejected in a sexual experience I might like to have. At the same time, I see and realize that it is only I can that move myself to create (or not create) a sexual experience with another, if only by initiating and carrying through with it via direct verbal communication.

Thus, another dimension of all this is the fear of actually following through with fulfilling my sexual desires and thoughts. Somehow along the way- I accepted and allowed myself to compartMENTALize sexual thoughts/behavior within sex systems and thus lost my way in owning and allowing myself the space to express sexual thoughts and behavior. It says something about the pervasiveness of sexual repression in society that a lot of my sex-denying behavior is sub- or un-conscious.

And with sex, its not so much my denying myself a positive experience, but it actually feels bad afterwards, like a lost opportunity that I purposely sabotaged myself from having. I believe there are long term consequences for this kind of sex avoiding behavior, as well, and do not with to reap such consequences in my life.

I’ve made receiving sex a big thing, wherein receiving it was connected to my self-esteem, wherein I defined being someone who receives regular sex is better than someone who eschews such behavior, as if it made someone more normal or more powerful or more bold. Thus, when opportunities actually come up to express myself sexually, I denied myself also those parts of myself that I have defined as connected with being someone who has regular sex.

I commit myself to not engage in sex from the starting point of wanting to compare myself to another, but to instead redefine sex for myself as a natural outflow/expression of myself, one which I am allowed to explore and apply in my reality without fearing backlash in the form of judgements from either myself or others.

I commit myself to decouple sexual expression from society’s definition of such, to instead explore and learn about and own my own sexual expression- one that I am ok with and comfortable inhabiting.

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