Day 57- Part 4- Self-Forgiveness on Separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as separate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as more than


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I must take full responsibility for who I am in every moment of breath, here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand in equality with my world and my environment in every moment of breath, but to instead go into the mind in separation where I can define myself as special, different, more than, or less than another, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that the very person I am defining myself in relation to is: a part of me in oneness and equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the equality part of the oneness and equality reality, where I accept the oneness of existence and reality without considering the equality that must be cherished within each being existent in our shared reality, where it is the absolute manifestation of spite and hatred to consider myself as more valuable than another being, simply because I have defined myself as such within my mind, being, and body, not considering that: we have all been gifted life equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than within a self-definition of mental illness, where I secretly, within myself wanted to be more than others, but when I couldn't get my way, I descended into the depths of the darkness available within me, programming myself in despair, self-pity, self-loathing, self-hatred, and self-abuse, manifesting myself as the very realization of less-than so I could hold another in spite

Investigative links:
Desteni.org
DIP Lite- FREE online course w/Buddy
EQAFE- YOUR existential library w/Every Question Answered

Day 57- Part 3- Self-Interest/Self-Abuse

Today there were two moments where I saw something which I could have acted upon which was best for all. Unfortunately, I didn’t ‘trust’ the self-trust within me (remember, everything is in reverse), and continued doing the thing I knew wasn’t best for all. The thing about these moments is that it wasn’t pure self-interest which I was following, but actually a self-interested self-abusive point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by drinking the frappucino.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress that which inside me told me to not drink the frappucino, even though I knew it was best for all within the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I received a second chance in the form of leaving the frappucino in my truck, to instead grab the frappucino out of my truck and proceed to drink it, embodying Spite in all it’s eviL glory in that moment

Desteni.org

Day 57- Part 2- Two Dimensions of Spite

Self-Allocation Point

Spite is a pretty extensive point for me within my life. What came up immediately was my relationship with my mother, which, when communication was replaced by manipulation, transferred into a dynamic of: spite. She didn't trust me, so she would act towards me in ways that didn't consider what was best for me. In return, I responded to her unreasonable requests and expectations (power over me) spitefully. I was trying to hold onto whatever sense of independence I could, especially when I knew that what she was telling me to do / making me do wasn't what was best for me. So, I learned to manipulate her to get her to believe a certain image of me, so that I could then act in the way I wanted to.

Dictionary Definition 

noun 

1. : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart

2. : an instance of spite

in spite of

: in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by succeeded in spite of their opposition

verb

1. a: annoy, offend

    b: to fill with spite

2. to treat maliciously (as by shaming or thwarting)

  

 

Sounding of the Word

spit- To spew toxins outwardly

Creative Writing

I see spite as a very extreme manifestation in this world. When I was exploring my self-allocation point of the word, I initially saw it as a manifested behavior pattern that was more neutral in terms of the external affect it had on my world. More "in spite of". But, I see within the dictionary definition that there is also the definition of "to be spiteful towards." Which is a darker dimension as it implies wanting to treat someone maliciously, which is going beyond simply doing something despite their preference, simply because you want to do it, and venturing into the territory of deliberate abuse.

So, there are a couple of dimensions of spite going on within me.

The first dimension, the "doing something despite what someone else would prefer you do in that moment", I assigned a positive polarity to. Sick of being told what not to do, I learned ways and means to regardless do those things.

However, I repeatedly received the second, more darker dimension of the word spite, where I was the direct receiver of abusive spite- I mean I literally remember being spit at in my face as the pure rage and anger was directed at me as a child- not cool. So, I, assigned a negative polarity to this form of spite: because, I didn't want to receive it. However, because of this negative polarity attached to it, I suppressed it, and this thus manifested itself in sudden spurts of anger when I could no longer control and contain the spitefulness, even when I knew it was wrong.

Due to a wrist injury, I will continue this redefinition process in a later blog.