Day 9- When Process Threatens to Expand Outside of Yourself

What I have been resisting in my reality is communicating in a timely fashion. This is where I have no control over the situation/circumstances within which I find myself and yet the point arises where if I were to be self-honest, I would know what to do. What generally happens is that I resist doing the self-honest right thing to do, sometimes experienced by me in the form of needing to speak up/out to someone my reality. Instead, I will resist and resist this point until it passes. Despite the negative feedback I’ve received through such behavior, it seems as if my preprogramming has predisposed me to resist communicating in ways that will bring about substantial change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist acting on points that involve directing another in my reality, because of fearing retaliation and fearing what would come after acting on such a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the belief within me that I shouldn’t be responsible for acting on points that could direct another in ways that wouldn’t have otherwise considered, due to and because of a belief within me that everyone is on their own in this world and thus helping others should come with some sort of financial or social benefit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear retaliation when directing another in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself not realize that fearing retaliation when directing another in my reality in ways that is best for all implies that I haven’t actually taken on this point for real, but instead of projected my fears and desires on such a point without ever actually having walked it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing retaliation for directing another as myself in this reality to justify resisting acting on points that involve directing another in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what comes after directing another as myself in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing what comes after directing myself as another in my reality implies I am utilizing future projections as an excuse to not take even the first step in walking as what’s best for all, essentially sabotaging my entire process before I even let it begin.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what comes after directing another as myself in my reality —instead of utilizing breath to make sure I am grounded and prepared to take on such a point so that what comes next isn’t negatively consequential but is simply continuing to move into the next point, taking it on, and continuing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that fearing retaliation and fearing the future indicate that I am only in this process for myself.

Day 8- Are We Ever Really Owed Anything?

Today, I faced the experience of needing to stand up for myself on a certain point or at least direct myself in order to bring the point into reality. Unfortunately, I really needed this point and, after not standing up when I had the opportunity, I am now in a position where I still haven’t done what’s needed to bring stability or what’s best for all through into life. 

As those that’s walked the Mind know, the other thing that happens when you fall on a point is the flood of emotions and thoughts in the form of justifications or excuses that follow as to why you shouldn’t have had to face the point or why the conditions weren’t ‘correct’ for you to have taken advantage of the opportunity. In my case, I am specifically dealing with the point of needing to bring stability through in my life as someone who has dealt with mental illness for a long time. Thus, the excuse has come up within my mind that ‘I shouldn’t have to fight/act/struggle to bring through this point for myself but other people/my family should assist me in creating this point for myself’

Child drinking dirty water

Unfortunately, as someone who hasn’t always had the gift of the best support in my life, I’ve learned the hard way that life owes me nothing and its unlikely to afford me even those things all humans would ideally take for granted such as, in my case, stability in terms of access to resources and the time and space necessary to ground myself and move forward with making a decision for myself within common sense principles. Instead, what I’ve experienced within myself is this constant and continuous pushback from reality where nobody was ready and willing to move forward with me as an ally when I was healthy and, now that I’ve experienced a setback, instead of coming to my side and rallying to assist me, even those who are “supposed” to be close to me, as well as others, are the very ones acting to prevent me from gaining any sort of comfort or stability.

Now, this is a complicated situation for me as there is also the fact that those who are close to me and have an idea related to what I’ve gone through also are not equipped to understand/deal with/process what it means for me to have a mental illness. I mean, these are people who weren’t prepared to assist me in my life journey when I had great potential as an extremely intelligent and relatively healthy being- it would be unrealistic for me to expect that they would be prepared to assist me in getting back (at least some, if not all) of that potential from the compromised state I have gotten myself into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the excuse ‘I should not have to stand up for myself’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world or the people in it must give me the experience of stability.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, in believing the world must give me the experience of stability, I am ignoring not only the ridiculousness of any such belief that someone else must give me anything, but also disregarding the fact that millions of people are in similar if not ‘worse’ situations inasmuch as they lack access to even the basic healthcare, food, or water they need to even continue living.

This is not to diminish the reality of mental illness and the grossly inadequate preparedness of human beings in this world to understand mental illness and assist those suffering from its related problems. However, it is important for me to put into perspective that the stable reality I am seeking is also one that is propped up by the money system and requires me to become a have in a world of have-nots. If anything, this only reinforces the ridiculousness of expecting ANYTHING from other people, as these people are the same who would not budge from their positions of privilege to even support those who are starving at this very moment.

There is assistance and support available in this world for people who wish to walk a journey of self-honesty:

Check out Desteniiprocess.com and the FREE DIP Lite course to learn more about the nature of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions and how they are affecting your ability to live your best life

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Day 7- Obsessive Compulsive Handwashing

A recurring experience that I've had in my reality has to do with obsessive compulsive tendencies. These tendencies are actually a new development as I've never before been so obsessed with certain small aspects of my reality. In fact, as a younger person, I was quite messy and disorganized at times and certainly wouldn't be on the more obsessive spectrum of compulsiveness. Yet, here I am, finding myself bothered by many little things in my reality that didn't bother me in the past.

One example is making sure my hands are 'perfectly' clean. Thus, if I am for example washing my hands and my hand accidentally touches the inside of the sink as I am washing them, the hand washing process is ruined and I am compelled to begin washing my hands once again. When I try to resist such a compulsion, often times the idea that I should go back to the bathroom and rewash sticks with me for a long time. There have been times when I've gone back some time later just to rewash my hands so as to prevent the spread of the dirtiness within whatever activity I am doing.

Sometimes I am able to think-talk my way out of the situation by reasoning that perhaps I would only make the situation worse by going back to the bathroom, picking up some unknown bacteria that I would otherwise avoid if I just got on with my life.

It's funny, because I can think back to my childhood where my mother would constantly have to remind me to wash my hands before a meal- it's like I wouldn't even think about it. Now, it bothers me.

I can see that this obsessiveness has to do with trying to set the stage for the implementation of something new in my life, where I am obsessed with getting the starting point correct and thus, if I can leave the bathroom knowing that my hands are clean, I have set the stage for the new implementation. If I don't get it just right, its like there is no point in doing anything else because I've already begun wrong.