Day 77- Self-Betrayal

 Still dealing with the fallout of self-betrayal as taking in beer that I wasn’t prepared to take in.

The “interesting” thing about real self-betrayal is that the regret, shame, anger, etc. that one experiences after such a moment are real. They don’t go away. They are like markers for your soul to make sure you have some takeaway from the experience that is so horrendous you never go there again. It sucks that it happened, but if you didn’t keep those negative emotions in relation to the experience of falling, you might not remember and you might not learn from the experience to make sure it doesn’t happen again. No amount of self-forgiveness can remove these emotions- they remain with you like scars from a physical trauma. And they are experienced like a physical trauma- it’s like the body’s way of telling you to never go there again. You wouldn’t do the thing that caused your body to collect a scar which could last a lifetime- it’s the same for when you betray yourself in absolute self-abuse. Within that moment, I lost a part of myself. I will never get that back, and so, I cannot simply wish away the remembrance of that moment of self-abuse. The lesson is deeper than a simply emotional or feeling reaction to a moment in my daily life- it’s more of at an existential/beingness level where I must remember what happened through the storage of the pain as a symbolic reminder of what I- and I alone- did to myself.

Normally, when walking a process of self-forgiveness, an emotional or feeling reaction to a situation indicates a point where I must do self-forgiveness for the mind-construct to ensure I don’t timeloop into that pattern again in the future. With this type of self-forgiveness, I actually release myself from the emotional or feeling reaction within which I participated, and there is a sensation of release there when done correctly. I feel lighter afterwards. In this sense, it is a benefit for releasing myself from a less-than-optimal pattern that proves to me that the self-forgiveness is effective and therefore worthwhile. 

With a total-beingness self-betrayal, it was me as who I really am within that moment choosing to abuse myself. It wasn’t a mind construct, so I can’t forgive it to let it go and get lighter. I must keep the pain as a reminder of what I did so I never, ever do it again. Because what I was given in that moment was an opportunity to choose to transcend the mind entirely, and I chose instead to go into the mind. That choice, which I made for and as myself, was not what was best for me and was in fact self-abusive. So, I carry the wounds from that choice with me so my beingness can remember to not do that again. I wouldn’t want to forget such an important  decision through self-forgiveness.

Day 76- Self-Abuse

 I had a moment yesterday where I knew I should not have participated in a certain scenario, but I did it anyway. I went into a people-pleasing character and drank a beer that someone bought me. I knew the beer was too heavy and drinking it would lead me into a situation where I was no longer in control. I had an opportunity to refuse participating in the situation, but I allowed the thought “But then, you will have to create conflict with this person” to sneak in, and, not wanting to direct myself in self-responsibility, I accepted and drank the beer, even as I knew within myself it was a decision that was self-abusive. Immediately afterwards, I started to “feel good” as the beer coursed through my veins, and my mind offered additional backchat of “see, it was the right decision”. The combination of the chemical effect of the alcohol and the supportive (although at the same time not supportive) thoughts contributed to me staying at the bar and having another beer. I bummed a cigarette of someone. Again, I had an opportunity to not participate. Again, I doubled down because I “followed” the thought that I would create a scene/disappoint the person who bummed me the cigarette if I didn’t smoke it right then, and so I watched myself abuse myself yet again, simply by following a thought in my head I had about how another person would react to me not abusing myself.

Having now two strong beers in my system, I went home where I found my roommate drunk. Chatting with him at this point was quite fun, as we both were under the influence of alcohol. At some point, I suggested we get more beer and he agreed. So, I got more beer and proceeded to drink more beer. I cooked dinner, and then drank more beer. Eventually, I started to feel quite bad- I got the hiccups and they wouldn’t go away- I felt bloated and uncomfortable. So, I went to bed, where I restlessly browsed the internet before eventually falling asleep. Today, I woke up to my 33rd birthday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when offered a beer that wasn’t the strength I was comfortable consuming, to accept it and drink it anyway because I didn’t want to disappoint/cause friction with the person who bought it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of blame towards my world and reality for not allowing me to simply drink a beer, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that I was trying to find some justification or excuse as to why I had betrayed my self-honesty to drink that beer, why I had killed a part of myself to please another/abuse myself, with practically no benefit but to ingest mild poison into my body and talk with others under the influence of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I alone am responsible for destroying and maiming and obliterating a part of myself within that moment of accepting and drinking the beer, as nobody forced me to do it, despite my mind speaking to me, telling me that it would create conflict if I refused the beer and just went home. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there was actually an opportunity before when I accepted having a beer bought for myself to leave the situation and go home, but that I suppressed that opportunity because “this is what I apparently want to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing having a beer bought for me was “what I wanted to do” is simply a result of my friend suggesting earlier when I saw him that he would buy me a beer, and for that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my friend’s words that suggested I allow him to buy me a beer, to the extent that I believed within myself that this is really what I wanted to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how easily I can be influenced by words in this world when I am not standing one hundred percent within self-honesty and self-trust as who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity and importance of standing clear with the words in my vocabulary, so that I may not be influenced by others activating energetic polarities I’ve embedded within words, through my own doing, to act in ways that is not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘Beer’ with positive energy, where “having a Beer” or “getting bought a Beer by a ‘Friend’” is experienced as an apparently Positive, good feeling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, despite charging ‘Beer’ with positive energy, the actual physical effect it has on by body when I drink too much or am not in a stable position to drink the Beer in front of me= is actually Negative, and so indicate much Self-Dishonesty that I am able to be influenced by the single utterance of the word ‘beer’ to do something Self-Abusive beyond understanding and Reason, when the simple common sense of the abusive potential of Beer is Here and understood by All quite easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before I have even begun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit before I stood up in self-honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the apparently limited circumstances through which I must prove myself worthy of Life by Standing As What’s Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the reason why I must prove myself worthy through limitation is because I have abused life and so, in order to access infinite self-expression, I must prove myself through the trail and error of limitation, where the outfall of my abusive behavior is contained until I have transcended abuse as one as all as Equal.

When and as I see myself tempted by the positive energy of pleasing another, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that self-Honesty is far more important than people-Pleasing. However, I see that I have been living people-Pleasing as an adaptive response to my environment, and it will take work to Transcend people-Pleasing as a self-abusive behavior.

I commit myself to not please Others when it equates to Self-Abuse

When and as I see myself blame others for my Self-Abuse, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that once I have abused myself, it is too late for Me. I acknowledge that I enter into the realm of Self-Obliteration when I abuse myself and there is no-one and nothing that can Save me from this Reality. I see, realize, and understand that the Consequences of my Self-Abuse will stay with me Forever- there is no undoing the past. Thus, I see that the best cure is prevention of self-abuse. I matter.

I commit myself to stop self-abuse before it starts, by living in Breath as what is best for All.

Day 75- Redefining and Living Careful

 Self-Allocation

“Be careful” I was often told during my childhood. Rarely did I want to listen. Usually, it was because I was doing something exciting or challenging and that was the expression I wanted to take. Eventually, I came to assign a negative value to ‘Careful’ because I didn’t like it being imposed upon me. Another example is when I was driving with someone in the car and they, panicking, said “Be careful!” when it wasn’t really a situation where I wasn’t “being careful.” In fact, being careful became such a negative thing in my life that I took on an entire personality of being ‘Careless,’ that eventually became ‘Reckless’ and caused a lot of consequences for me in my life.

Dictionary Definition

care·ful
/ˈkerfəl/

adjective
adjective: careful; superlative adjective: carefullest
1.    making sure of avoiding potential danger, mishap, or harm; cautious."I begged him to be more careful”
2.     done with or showing thought and attention.
"a careful consideration of the facts”

Sounding of the Word

Care-full
Care: To give proper attention to; to love
Full: To the maximum capacity; to the optimal level

Investigating the Word

When I was forced to be careful as a child, I resented that. I wanted to act as I was acting at the time, and didn’t understand fully what it meant to be careful, other than to do something in a way someone else wanted it to be done- not how I wanted it to be done. Eventually, I assigned a negative value to being careful, and expressed carelessness throughout my life. While the intentions of authority figures telling me to be careful was to avoid harm or danger, I interpreted that as being forced to do something a certain way when I was fully capable of doing it my way. However, I didn’t really consider and incorporate into my vocabulary and thus living the second definition of careful, which is done with or showing thought and attention. Very little of what I had in my childhood was explained to me as being mine and so I never had much incentive to care about the things in my reality. I was made to understand that it was my parents’ house I lived in, as if I was a guest there, so when I was assigned chores to do, I was only careful to the extent that I did a good enough job to have my work acknowledged by my parents. I didn’t understand that people were careful with their things because they cared about them and themselves and wanted to make the best out of their lives.

Creative Phase

Careful is taking care of everything in my reality without becoming overwhelmed but by exercising common sense.
Being careful is not doing things that hurt my body but taking care of the basic things in my life to allow me to live my life to the fullest extent possible
Careful is extending care to myself and others to reach my optimum potential
Careful is expressing the proper amount of care to myself and others

Final Definition

Careful is expressing the proper amount of care to myself and others