Monday, March 13, 2017

Day 20- Hesitation: The Golden Moment?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate to speak up in gratefulness within the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overthink in that moment, analyzing points of the moment within my mind for clues as to whether it would be appropriate to speak up in that moment, or if it would benefit me, or person x, to speak up in that moment, or if it would be best for all where what I am really missing within all of this is self-trust within the moment where I cannot rely on being able to write about the point but must actually apply myself to bring forth: something new. By hesitating on the point, “bailing on it”, so-to-speak, all I am doing is allowing myself to be swept up in the mind in that moment, allowing myself as limitation as the mind to extract resources from my human physical body just to satisfy the act of thinking and suppressing myself to, ironically, protect myself in that moment. If I am in fact degrading the body through thinking and not actually protecting the physical body, then what am I protecting: well, perhaps an image of myself in my mind but the BIGGER picture here, so to speak, is that I am, through the mind, acting to protect the mind itself. 

Here is another familiar consequence of hesitating within the moment: shame.  Self-judgement. All the negative things associated with not acting/speaking within a moment that conveniently are missing in my thinking process when I am sitting there, frozen, unable to speak despite the potentially useful nature of my words, moving within my mind towards positive energies like safety, isolation, abundance. In the end, it’s not clear that I’ve gained these things due to my self-limiting (non)action, but rather that I have instead mined the body for resources and still must face the negative emotional aspect of the mind construct. 


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