Day 24- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL (Part 3) - Self-Forgiveness

In the previous post I was walking a process of exploring where I stand in relation to the word SEX using the tools explained here: https://juneroca.com/words/redefining-words/

Within this post I shall be applying self-forgiveness on what I came up with in the 'Creative Writing' section of the previous post, pasted here for reference.

Creative stage

s- quiet
ex- past lover
Sex - An experience where I quiet past lovers.
An experience where I try to suppress memories of past sex acts.
The negative emotions of past sexual acts.
Creating negative consequences for myself through a natural expression of my body
Feeling like I have to use sex to create a certain experience for myself in which I must avoid negative experiences.
My sexual definition.
An experience where pleasing she in her environment is a burden
An experience that cannot be had unless I have money because a woman doesn’t want to have sex with someone without money
Something women want to engage in from an energetic form while I want to engage in it from a physical expression standpoint and thus a point of conflict in my world. 

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat sex as an experience where I try to quiet memories of past sexual experiences. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created a negative energetic charge around memories related to past experiences of sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the behavioral pattern of suppression of sex as a way of trying to avoid those negative emotional charges related to sex I've had in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating negative consequences for myself through sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that fearing negative consequences for myself through sex implies I have defined sex negatively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex negatively as it relates to those negative emotional charges related to memories I have stored as negative experiences within my mind.
I forgive myself for then allowing and accepting myself to seek to use 'sex' to avoid negative experiences by placing it within a paradigm of perfection where the only way I allow myself to have sex is if the circumstances are absolutely perfect, and in doing so avoiding sex entirely as these circumstances never materialize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe sex can exist within perfect circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe sex is a burden that requires pleasing another without achieving satisfaction for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex without having money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex with a woman who has not applied self-forgiveness for approaching sex from an energetic self-indulgence point of view.

Day 23- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL (Part 2)

 The format I've used to redefine this word can be found here: https://juneroca.com/words/redefining-words/

Gathering information stage

Self-allocation: 

My current experience towards sex is that of suppression and avoidance. So, from a polarity perspective, sex has a negative charge. It is something I avoid. The last sexual experience I had was something I’ve defined as negative. So was the one before that.

Dictionary definition:

1. sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse
2. a person’s genitals 3. Either of the two main categories (male and female) into which humans and many other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions 4. the fact of belonging to one of the sexes 5. the group of all members of either sex 6. determine the sex of 7.present something in a more interesting or lively way 8. arouse or attempt to arouse someone sexually

Sounding of the word:

 s (quiet) ex (past lover)
sects (groups of people) s (she) ecs (environment) shecks (money) sh (quiet) ects (and so on) sex (racy)

Investigation stage

I have associated a negative polarity with the word Sex as I have come to see sex as a burden or obligation in my world. I have thus deliberately suppressed and avoided sex due to wanting to avoid the negative consequences possible by having sex. One thing where I can see my definition is different- and actually departs in a negatively consequential way- from the dictionary definition is where sex is used to define the two sexes based on their reproductive functions. Thus implies that sex is natural for either of the two sexes as it is simply utilizing our reproductive organs in a pleasurable way. So, in defining sex according to a negative charge and therefore suppressing it, I have been denying myself the natural expression of sex that is inherent in being a human male.

One more aspect of suppression here has to do with fears related to pregnancy, fatherhood, etc. In engaging in sexual activity with another, that carries a risk of pregnancy or contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Thus, I feel the need to suppress, for example, spontaneous unprotected sex due to these thoughts and negative emotions associated with for example pregnancy and disease.

Another aspect of suppression I have participated within in relates to presenting something in a more interesting or lively way where I’ve come to recognize the social tendency to use sex to sell consumer goods. Thus, I have suppressed participating in sex as something that can be enticing/racy/arousing because i have gotten too far into the mentality of rejecting anything I see as remotely morally questionable, such as sex in advertising. Within this, however, I’ve failed to realize that all of these expressions, be it raciness or arousal or enticement, are also mine to express in that they are not owned by the corporations that have temporarily utilized them to make money. In doing so, I have denied myself certain expressions just because there can be a connection made between them if they are expressed by me and the way advertisements are structured.

The consequences I have wrought through suppressing sex have been that I have denied my body the expression of sex. While I may have been successful in avoiding negative things like negative emotions, diseases, and pregnancy, I have also not been able to work through where I am in relation to these things. 

Within the sound I see s (quiet) ex (past lover). This is quite interesting considering my tendency to suppress sex as I see this as wanting to quiet the negative emotions I have attached to sex through memories with past lovers.

So i can see that sex is just a natural function of our physical bodies but I have tried to suppress it to avoid negative emotions I’ve attached to it either through personal experience or in rejecting the presentations of companies trying to make money by sexing things up. I've also suppressed sex within the guise of avoiding fatherhood and disease, although this usually comes up as backchat after I've already suppressed sex.

Creative stage

s- quiet
ex- past lover
Sex - An experience where I quiet past lovers.
An experience where I try to suppress memories of past sex acts.
The negative emotions of past sexual acts.
Creating negative consequences for myself through a natural expression of my body
Feeling like I have to use sex to create a certain experience for myself in which I must avoid negative experiences.
My sexual definition.
An experience where pleasing she in her environment is a burden
An experience that cannot be had unless I have money because a woman doesn’t want to have sex with someone without money
Something women want to engage in from an energetic form while I want to engage in it from a physical expression standpoint and thus a point of conflict in my world.

Day 22- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL

For further context for this post, see the discussion on the forum: http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?f=36&t=8052.

Yes, I can see that the self-decision to move into/as sex is 'clouded' within other uncertainties within my life related to money. Also, not sure if there are real consequences from not having had sex for a long time that are contributing to this sense of urgency to have sex or if I've just built it up in my mind that way. I did hear in a video a while back that that the body requires sex and I can see that it could be an opportunity to ground myself here. But I feel like, compared with others who have had sex regularly/semi-regularly during this long drought for me, I am not stable and ready to move into sex with ease.

I forgive myself for comparing myself with S for whom moving into sex is apparently easy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define moving into sex easily as more than having resistance to sex.

When and as I see myself comparing myself with S for whom moving into sex is apparently easy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that we are in different places in our life such that I am dealing with the consequences of long periods of sexual abstinence and social isolation that have resulted in a built up resistance to sex. These issues are my own and I am capable of dealing with them myself. I commit myself to explore redefining sex on my own terms so that when I decide to have sex it is within the principle of what is best for all.