Something that I have been dealing with lately has been the need to gain employment. Here, I’ve built up a large resistance to a lot of potential jobs and I can see that this resistance is related to memories I have in relation to jobs past. Whereas my approach to work in the past (influenced by 'advice' from an authority figure) has been to simply put out my resume to as many places as possible and then take whatever opportunities present themselves, this has not worked out very well for me in terms of having many negative experiences whilst employed and not a lot of positive or expanding experiences to speak of. Fastforward to the present and I've now created a 'block' or resistance within my mind to just taking whatever job I can because of those negative emotions I've created through my participation in past jobs where I did just that.
Unfortunately I live in a world where I am unlikely to gain access to unconditional life support in the form of money/food/a place to stay, etc. that I require as a human being on this earth provided from an external source without the expectation that I perform some sort of labor in return. Even when I returned to living with my parents after a period of homelessness, while they didn't charge me money for rent or the food they provided, they still expected me to do things like the dishes after meals they cooked and household chores. While I was staying with them, I experienced these expectations as a burden because I was attempting to gain stability and believed that I was in a place where any such external expectations where an intrusion upon my internal process and disallowed me the ability to maximize my potential in this world. Additionally, I experienced resistance to bringing this up to my parents.
Perhaps a part of me feared being cast out (despite their expressed intention to keep a place for me in their home forever) if I brought up my personal needs and a part of me actually did want to contribute if only I could have gained some sort of stability that allowed me to feel ok in doing so. Unfortunately, I didn't speak up at the time on my own behalf and continued to do what was asked/expected of me even though I experienced a lot of friction whilst carrying out these tasks, including the idea that I was doing them wrong and possibly endangering myself and my parents. Interesting that suppression can be carried out so far by a person that they are even willing to allow themselves to feel or believe that they are compromising themselves or others and continue on just to avoid the possible confrontation that would go with expressing the thing suppressed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress communication of my needs to my parents when they expected me to do the dishes every night they cooked dinner for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that suppressing communication of my needs implied that I was not prioritizing my own self-stability regardless of the situation.
I forgive myself for not prioritizing my own self-stability.