Day 11- Projecting Weakness = Fearing Weakness

I realized that I hold a judgement of another as weak. What this person is reflecting back to me is my own resistance to standing up/speaking out in my reality where I shirk from opportunities to stand up to others in my reality or stand up for myself. Then, I project this resistance on another and start to judge and blame them for not standing up to the person I didn't stand up to in my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up to person X.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for person Y to stand up to person X and, when they don't, to judge them as weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I fear weakness within myself due to and because of comparing myself with others within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself with others within my mind, wherein I categorize those who are strong as better than those who are weak, ignoring the patterns and relationships that cause some to be weak and some to be strong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe 'strong' people are better than 'weak' people.

Day 10- Rejecting Sex Personality

A point came up in my reality that wasn’t really a negative point or a positive point, but simply provides a lesson on my approach to a certain taboo subject: sex.

With this point I commit myself to exploring and expressing sex as a healthy, normal part of human functioning, but not to allow and accept myself to suppress and deny myself sexual experiences by going into thoughts as the mind wherein I activate the Rejecting Sex Personality. Here, I will deny myself sexual opportunities as they arise simply due to an engrained pattern of denying myself sex. I can see that this point of denying myself sex is connected to and related with my defining sex as more-than.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as more-than wherein I seek sexual experiences expressly for the purpose of comparing myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself not realize that rejecting sex is my reaction to fearing being rejected in a sexual experience I might like to have. At the same time, I see and realize that it is only I can that move myself to create (or not create) a sexual experience with another, if only by initiating and carrying through with it via direct verbal communication.

Thus, another dimension of all this is the fear of actually following through with fulfilling my sexual desires and thoughts. Somehow along the way- I accepted and allowed myself to compartMENTALize sexual thoughts/behavior within sex systems and thus lost my way in owning and allowing myself the space to express sexual thoughts and behavior. It says something about the pervasiveness of sexual repression in society that a lot of my sex-denying behavior is sub- or un-conscious.

And with sex, its not so much my denying myself a positive experience, but it actually feels bad afterwards, like a lost opportunity that I purposely sabotaged myself from having. I believe there are long term consequences for this kind of sex avoiding behavior, as well, and do not with to reap such consequences in my life.

I’ve made receiving sex a big thing, wherein receiving it was connected to my self-esteem, wherein I defined being someone who receives regular sex is better than someone who eschews such behavior, as if it made someone more normal or more powerful or more bold. Thus, when opportunities actually come up to express myself sexually, I denied myself also those parts of myself that I have defined as connected with being someone who has regular sex.

I commit myself to not engage in sex from the starting point of wanting to compare myself to another, but to instead redefine sex for myself as a natural outflow/expression of myself, one which I am allowed to explore and apply in my reality without fearing backlash in the form of judgements from either myself or others.

I commit myself to decouple sexual expression from society’s definition of such, to instead explore and learn about and own my own sexual expression- one that I am ok with and comfortable inhabiting.

Day 9- When Process Threatens to Expand Outside of Yourself

What I have been resisting in my reality is communicating in a timely fashion. This is where I have no control over the situation/circumstances within which I find myself and yet the point arises where if I were to be self-honest, I would know what to do. What generally happens is that I resist doing the self-honest right thing to do, sometimes experienced by me in the form of needing to speak up/out to someone my reality. Instead, I will resist and resist this point until it passes. Despite the negative feedback I’ve received through such behavior, it seems as if my preprogramming has predisposed me to resist communicating in ways that will bring about substantial change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist acting on points that involve directing another in my reality, because of fearing retaliation and fearing what would come after acting on such a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the belief within me that I shouldn’t be responsible for acting on points that could direct another in ways that wouldn’t have otherwise considered, due to and because of a belief within me that everyone is on their own in this world and thus helping others should come with some sort of financial or social benefit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear retaliation when directing another in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself not realize that fearing retaliation when directing another in my reality in ways that is best for all implies that I haven’t actually taken on this point for real, but instead of projected my fears and desires on such a point without ever actually having walked it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing retaliation for directing another as myself in this reality to justify resisting acting on points that involve directing another in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what comes after directing another as myself in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing what comes after directing myself as another in my reality implies I am utilizing future projections as an excuse to not take even the first step in walking as what’s best for all, essentially sabotaging my entire process before I even let it begin.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what comes after directing another as myself in my reality —instead of utilizing breath to make sure I am grounded and prepared to take on such a point so that what comes next isn’t negatively consequential but is simply continuing to move into the next point, taking it on, and continuing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that fearing retaliation and fearing the future indicate that I am only in this process for myself.

Day 8- Are We Ever Really Owed Anything?

Today, I faced the experience of needing to stand up for myself on a certain point or at least direct myself in order to bring the point into reality. Unfortunately, I really needed this point and, after not standing up when I had the opportunity, I am now in a position where I still haven’t done what’s needed to bring stability or what’s best for all through into life. 

As those that’s walked the Mind know, the other thing that happens when you fall on a point is the flood of emotions and thoughts in the form of justifications or excuses that follow as to why you shouldn’t have had to face the point or why the conditions weren’t ‘correct’ for you to have taken advantage of the opportunity. In my case, I am specifically dealing with the point of needing to bring stability through in my life as someone who has dealt with mental illness for a long time. Thus, the excuse has come up within my mind that ‘I shouldn’t have to fight/act/struggle to bring through this point for myself but other people/my family should assist me in creating this point for myself’

Child drinking dirty water

Unfortunately, as someone who hasn’t always had the gift of the best support in my life, I’ve learned the hard way that life owes me nothing and its unlikely to afford me even those things all humans would ideally take for granted such as, in my case, stability in terms of access to resources and the time and space necessary to ground myself and move forward with making a decision for myself within common sense principles. Instead, what I’ve experienced within myself is this constant and continuous pushback from reality where nobody was ready and willing to move forward with me as an ally when I was healthy and, now that I’ve experienced a setback, instead of coming to my side and rallying to assist me, even those who are “supposed” to be close to me, as well as others, are the very ones acting to prevent me from gaining any sort of comfort or stability.

Now, this is a complicated situation for me as there is also the fact that those who are close to me and have an idea related to what I’ve gone through also are not equipped to understand/deal with/process what it means for me to have a mental illness. I mean, these are people who weren’t prepared to assist me in my life journey when I had great potential as an extremely intelligent and relatively healthy being- it would be unrealistic for me to expect that they would be prepared to assist me in getting back (at least some, if not all) of that potential from the compromised state I have gotten myself into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the excuse ‘I should not have to stand up for myself’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world or the people in it must give me the experience of stability.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, in believing the world must give me the experience of stability, I am ignoring not only the ridiculousness of any such belief that someone else must give me anything, but also disregarding the fact that millions of people are in similar if not ‘worse’ situations inasmuch as they lack access to even the basic healthcare, food, or water they need to even continue living.

This is not to diminish the reality of mental illness and the grossly inadequate preparedness of human beings in this world to understand mental illness and assist those suffering from its related problems. However, it is important for me to put into perspective that the stable reality I am seeking is also one that is propped up by the money system and requires me to become a have in a world of have-nots. If anything, this only reinforces the ridiculousness of expecting ANYTHING from other people, as these people are the same who would not budge from their positions of privilege to even support those who are starving at this very moment.

There is assistance and support available in this world for people who wish to walk a journey of self-honesty:

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