Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Day 7- Obsessive Compulsive Handwashing

A recurring experience that I've had in my reality has to do with obsessive compulsive tendencies. These tendencies are actually a new development as I've never before been so obsessed with certain small aspects of my reality. In fact, as a younger person, I was quite messy and disorganized at times and certainly wouldn't be on the more obsessive spectrum of compulsiveness. Yet, here I am, finding myself bothered by many little things in my reality that didn't bother me in the past.

One example is making sure my hands are 'perfectly' clean. Thus, if I am for example washing my hands and my hand accidentally touches the inside of the sink as I am washing them, the hand washing process is ruined and I am compelled to begin washing my hands once again. When I try to resist such a compulsion, often times the idea that I should go back to the bathroom and rewash sticks with me for a long time. There have been times when I've gone back some time later just to rewash my hands so as to prevent the spread of the dirtiness within whatever activity I am doing.

Sometimes I am able to think-talk my way out of the situation by reasoning that perhaps I would only make the situation worse by going back to the bathroom, picking up some unknown bacteria that I would otherwise avoid if I just got on with my life.

It's funny, because I can think back to my childhood where my mother would constantly have to remind me to wash my hands before a meal- it's like I wouldn't even think about it. Now, it bothers me.

I can see that this obsessiveness has to do with trying to set the stage for the implementation of something new in my life, where I am obsessed with getting the starting point correct and thus, if I can leave the bathroom knowing that my hands are clean, I have set the stage for the new implementation. If I don't get it just right, its like there is no point in doing anything else because I've already begun wrong.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Day 6- Mental Illness, Homelessness, and Basic Income

A problem that I have been dealing with that also relates to the last post is that I am homeless.

Thus, its almost as if, in addition to being out of the world system, I am also unable to even use the Desteni tools. Where a Destonian would be able to ground themselves in a safe space while at home, for example, or might have access to the internet/be able to use their computer or a light to write at any time, I do not have that luxury.

The very place where I sleep it is likely not legal for me to be there, but I haven't found a better location so that's where I'm forced to stay. For purposes of wanting to keep a low profile, I've found myself having to suppress certain actions that would ground me in my body, actions that would be available to me if I had a place of my own.

It's almost harder being aware of the Desteni materials than not at this point, as it's like I am in a prison unable to use them. At least in prison I would be allowed to utilize the space of my cell to move my body as I like, instead of always crouching down to hide from others who might cause more strife to my life than already exists.

As I work on aligning the body and the mind to even make the tools of self-forgiveness and self-writing workable, it's hard to differentiate between when I am using my circumstances as an excuse through the mind and when I am actually limited by not having my own place, enough money, etc.

I see many homeless people around me- I would say the extent of the problem is far greater than many realize with countless people sleeping in their cars or under highways where they aren't always seen- but for the most part, they are just like other people. Many of them are deliberate in their abdication and just have taken their spite and refusal to stand up so far that they are having to face the extremely difficult circumstances of being homeless in order to learn.

However, there are those of us who are actually unable to work and to socialize like normal people, homeless or not, due to actual mental illnesses as misalignments in the mind-body-being relationship. For these people, there are not many options: many are simply unemployable and so are forced to sleep in the streets and rely upon handouts and whatever public assistance for which they may qualify. Even in the best case scenario, where I for example have been exposed to the Desteni material and so have an inkling of Process and what is going on, the situation doesn't get better.

So, I would say, on behalf of myself and other mentally ill homeless: please, work towards a basic income, change yourselves and thus the system into one that cares for those unable to care for themselves.  It's the only chance we've got.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Day 5- My life has seemed to come to exist in really only two modes.

The first is long periods of confusion. During these times, I am unsure as to what I should be doing and even small decisions are difficult; I find myself second guessing or changing my mind about nearly every decision I make. Unfortunately, I am so used to such periods that by this point, I realize that they are only the dark of night before the second type of mode in my life.

The second type of mode my life consists of are intermittent bursts that I call moments-as-opportunities. I can be existing in the darkness of the first type and then, all of a sudden, wham! I am hit with a moment-as-opportunity to make a change in my life. I have seized these moments more than once and both times what was required was that I continued to take specific action to follow up on the initial movement.

I resisted such actions more than once and the result seems to be that the opportunity was lost.

When I have resisted even the initial movement, what has happened is that I seem to get plunged back into the darkness (the first type of life-mode).